10 Years in Heaven

Loved Ones,

Today marked 10 years with Ray in Heaven.

We celebrated Ray all weekend, with a mass by Father Brankin, at an Irish bar, at the grave and with family meals.

It was so good to see our friends and family and celebrate Ray with them.

I've been writing Ray's story the last six month. It has connected us so deeply with Ray's struggle with cancer.

Though we always remember Ray, the stories we tell are usually about his humor and who he was before cancer. Going through all the memories has brought back how it felt to endure this very difficult journey.

Remembering this has brought new insights and renewed mission. Over Christmas we spent time at the same cancer ward that we spent that last Christmas with Ray. We made cards and delivered them to patients. I thought it would be terrible to connect to the struggle others are now facing. I felt glad. I felt glad to use those very hard memories to help others.

Being with those who face the threat of their very life, brings back just how inspirational Ray was as he coped with this same threat. Over time the things I say about him lose the freshness of that feeling. Writing the story and connecting with others in the same spot, brings it all back.

Ray really was this amazing. He really did deal with this incredibly sad loss with such grace, sacrifice, and acceptance. Without complaint. With God at his side.

I know this. I've known this. It has influenced so greatly my own path in going forward after losing him. But, it's good to have a fresh reminder, even for me. To remember this perspective. To remember how much we have with each day. To remember that he was blessed. And that we are. And to feel that, not with strife, but with love. In truth. To then use these gifts in love.

It's the task of life.

We remember all of you Ray. We remember your humor, your partnership, your kindness to others. But we especially your example. You set the bar really high. Right up to heaven.

You are in our hearts always.

not alone and not afraid -

kristin

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they will be filled. Blessed are the merciful, for they shall be shown mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called the sons of God. Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." Mathew 5:2-10

"Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth." I John 3:18

Ray's 47th Birthday

Happy Birthday Ray!!


We've been thinking about Ray all fall. I want the girls to know more of Ray, more of his story and I've been digging in to the memories. He's constantly on our minds.


Maggie is doing a paper for school about children who have lost a parent. She interviewed me.


Ray, who he was and losing him to heaven so soon makes me who I am.


It influences every part of who I am as a mother -- and thus every part of who they will be.


I'm on a soccer trip with Maggie this weekend and the girls are with my mom and dad.


We've never been apart on Ray's birthday but such is life and today we are.


Never in the entire time of their soccer careers have they ever played on the South Side.


Tonight, Nora's game was at Marist High School - so near to Ray's Brother Rice.


There has been no question in my mind that Ray would be there with Nora while I was gone.


But I really missed him here in St. Louis.


I asked him if he could help Maggie with a birthday goal while she wore his lucky number 13 on October 13th, his birthday.


Game winner that goal!


As I drove out of the complex I saw a political sign. It wasn't until then that I realized that Maggie was playing in John Shimkus' district - Ray's boss.


One on the South Side. One in Shimkusland.


We needed Ray here too. And he was here.


Happy Birthday Ray. You're here with us everyday. But especially today.


not alone and not afraid --


kristin


"As for me, this is my covenant with them," says the Lord. "My spirit, who is on you, will not depart from you, and my words that I have put in your mouth will always be on your lips, on the lips of your children and on the lips of their descendants -- from this time on and forever," says the Lord." Isaiah 59:21

The 9th Anniversary of Ray's Entrance to Heaven

Loved Ones,

Today marks nine years since Ray entered heaven. He will be ever-present in our thoughts.

In Ray's own words, it is a "Love without End." He loved that song by George Stait, he taught it to the girls and the pictures he loved the most are arranged in a folder with this name. The pictures I post today are from that folder.

We remember him always and we miss him so much today and everyday. I know he would be so proud of all the girls are doing in school, in soccer and in life! It is a grief for all of us that we can't share this with him - the good times and bad.

But, we know he watches over us, and we are grateful for every reminder of our connection still and the many memories we have when we were together.

We are so grateful for our family and friends - many who knew him - some who did not. We know that the love, empathy and prayers you so generously bestow on us are God's arms around us -- helping us to continue on in faithfulness with thoughts of Ray in our hearts.

not alone and not afraid -

kristin

"Comfort, comfort my people,
    says your God.
 Speak tenderly to Jerusalem,
    and proclaim to her
that her hard service has been completed,
    that her sin has been paid for,
that she has received from the Lord’s hand
    double for all her sins." Isaiah 40:1-2

Happy 46th Birthday Ray

Loved Ones -

With my three girls in travel soccer we are driving up and down 294 often. Lucy and I were heading to South Holland for a game a few weeks ago on 294. When we are heading to Indiana this way we always watch for Holy Sepulchre Cemetery to come up on the left but this time it caught us by surprise. I wouldn't have imagined how much we would love being able to drive by and almost see right to Ray's grave but we do. We always call out a message. This time was no different.

We sure miss Ray! This fall has been more busy than any other and any connection we find to him we cherish! I wouldn't have imagined how much soccer would have me on 294 either back then so it seems like divine planning that we have that special gift as we barrel down the highway on our way.

For Ray's birthday we were interviewed by our local neighborhood magazine. We talked about his love of White Sox and hatred of Cubs. When we were in DC last we ran into a hill staffer who recounted how Ray had called her when the White Sox won the World Series to make sure that the speech she wrote for her boss to give on the House floor was adequately full of White Sox facts. That was like found gold to have that new memory and to picture Ray calling.

We'll be thinking of him today and missing him more than any other! Happy Birthday Ray!!

not alone and not afraid -

kristin

"I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers." Ephesians 1:16

Reaching Paris

Loved Ones,

I write this with joy and anticipation. I wrote three years ago about wanting to travel to Europe. I am so excited to say that we are on our way later tonight.

What a journey this has been. Emblematic of the journey of life itself, this long-awaited trip has been in the corner of my mind since I last wrote.

We are so excited to see the places that Ray and I traveled in Paris, and to connect with those memories. We are equally excited to make memories of our own.

Many things are similar to the first trip Ray and I took so many years ago when we got engaged. Can it be that this is 17 years later?

We are grateful for your prayers and wanted you to share in our joy and our adventure.

not alone and not afraid –

kristin

“all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be” Psalm 139

Eight Years

Loved Ones -

How is it possible that it has been eight years since Ray went to heaven? All at once it seems so long and so short. 

I am so grateful for every memory of Ray. We went to Disney over break because Nora was playing in a tournament. Because we've only been there three times, the time with Ray just before Ray got sick, was still fresh in my mind. We would turn a corner and a memory that I hadn't thought of in years would pop up, and I would pass it on to the girls. I am so grateful for every sentence. Every glimpse. 

One of those memories is the memory of the inauguration just before he died. Of course, you all know that Ray loved politics. I remember asking him what he thought during that election. And he would say, it just doesn't matter. It was so hard to hear that because it was of such shared importance during our whole relationship. People ask me all the time what I think he would think about all that has transpired since then. I wish I knew!! It is one of the things I miss most about him being gone!!! I so wish I could ask him. The old him before he got sick, and the person with all perspective later. 

I didn't really have that perspective problem when the Cubs won. I was pretty sure I knew what his thoughts would be and the girls and I did our best to stay true!!

I remember thinking once when we were at the hospital, will I ever hold these painful times as dear, just because they were still with him? I think I have reached that time now. I will take any memory. They are all a connection to him. 

One of the quotes I love the most about Ray is this: "To know Ray, was to be his friend." Today the depth and breadth of that truth was so evident. I am so grateful for the love of all our friends and family who surrounded us in every way today. God's love and Ray's I can feel through all of you. 

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

"All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."

Psalm 139:16

Happy 45th Ray!

Loved Ones,

Happy Birthday Ray!

Today caught me by surprise. It’s been so long that Ray’s been gone that I don’t expect a strongly emotional reaction from myself. The power of time I think.

I always want to honor Ray and mark the day in a special way so I went to my computer to find a picture to post for his birthday. I was looking through all my computer files, all named and arranged by Ray, and came upon the file he had for pictures of himself with the girls.

Love Without End.

And just like that, it broke my heart. 

At the beginning with the grief, my grief was not just for myself and the girls and our loss of Ray. It was for Ray’s loss of us. The pain of that was so great and so deep for him and it was all there in “Love Without End.”

These days my emotional connection to Ray's pain is less. I feel his pain hardly at all. But looking at that file, it was all there. His deep grief that he just wanted to live and be with his girls. That he wanted them to remember him. That he loved them so much.

And yet. He was right that his love was a love without end. 

Just last weekend Nora was battling a tough fight on the soccer field. Her challenge, not just to play well, but to earn her coach’s trust.

One of the hard things about Ray not being here with us on earth is that sometimes when one of my kids needs me, so does the other.

It was Lucy’s turn for me to watch her game, not Nora so she went alone. When it came time for her game to start, though she was in a different city, Maggie, Lucy and I in our car prayed hard for Nora.

I asked her to feel us by her side and her dad too. I asked for all the help that he could give her and that in the end, that when she succeeded, all the glory would go to God.

I got a text a few minutes after Nora got on the field, that she had scored a goal.

Prayer answered.

I was not surprised. I call on Ray sometimes when the strength of my mothering is just not enough. I don’t know what things are like in heaven but I am never disappointed and the reliability and power often brings me to tears.

In that spirit, I will paste the lyrics that I can still hear Ray and the girls singing.

“Let me tell you a secret about a father's love

A secret that my daddy said was just between us

He said daddies don't just love their children every now and then

It's a love without end, Amen, it's a love without end, Amen.”

not alone and not afraid –

kristin

“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you” Mathew 6:28-30