Loved Ones,
We've had contagious illness after contagious illness, rounds of antibiotics and other medicines, strep, coughs, colds, strep, strep. We keep catching things over again and so I am constantly disinfecting. So in addition to doctors and medicines, sleepless nights and humidifiers, I am buried in a mountain of laundry and an avalanche of cleaning.
Almost anyone who has ever met me or been in my house will vouch for me that these are not my strong suits. A speech to write, a game to coach, a class to teach, a meal to cook, ANYTHING but cleaning and laundry.
I am a slave to the washing machine, changing out each bed each night, washing every item of clothing over and over.
And here's what I have to say:
Oh the joy to be a slave!
I wish you could hear me say it to know that I am 1000 percent serious. Oh the joy to only have to worry about tedious tasks. I will take this mountain and this avalanche over any I have already climbed.
I am so grateful for the laundry and the cleaning and the packing of lunches and the driving.
Oh to have the only tiredness I face be that from climbing the stairs over and over, the worry over only the amount of hot water I've used.
I know how blessed I am to face only this. To have food on the table and clothes to wash and fold. To have an illness that can be cured by a round of antibiotics.
Having been to that other mountain, it is a constant struggle for me to not fear it's return. And thus I am grateful for strep. I am grateful for laundry. I am grateful to have the opportunity to be the handmaid for my beautiful and precious girls.
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Phillipians 4:6-7
Friday, February 3, 2012
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
3 Years
Loved Ones,
Saturday will be the third anniversary of Ray's death. We will spend the day with family, honoring Ray with Masses in his memory and thinking of him.
It's hard to believe that it has been three years since he died. For Lucy and Maggie, it's been more time without him than with him.
But his memory is large. Even though he is not here, he is a constant presence in our family. The girls pray each night for Mommy and Daddy, not distinguishing between presence here or in heaven.
They know who smiles like him, who likes milk like him, that he would be glad that we were singing silly songs, that he would be embarassed that we made a fuss. They know him.
After Ray died a friend wrote me a letter and said that after some time the grief would subside and I would feel the wound of his loss less, and simply be grateful for the time that he was here. I think that's true. Though I'll always wish he was with us, though I still miss him terribly, I am truly grateful just for the fact that he was here at all. That he marked my life. That he gave me the girls.
And I know that's true for many of you.
How grateful I am for the mark he made on the world. On our friends. On our families.
Ray. We are thinking of you so much on this anniversary and always.
Love always,
kristin
"Give thanks to the Lord for he is good, his love endures forever." Psalm 136:1
Saturday will be the third anniversary of Ray's death. We will spend the day with family, honoring Ray with Masses in his memory and thinking of him.
It's hard to believe that it has been three years since he died. For Lucy and Maggie, it's been more time without him than with him.
But his memory is large. Even though he is not here, he is a constant presence in our family. The girls pray each night for Mommy and Daddy, not distinguishing between presence here or in heaven.
They know who smiles like him, who likes milk like him, that he would be glad that we were singing silly songs, that he would be embarassed that we made a fuss. They know him.
After Ray died a friend wrote me a letter and said that after some time the grief would subside and I would feel the wound of his loss less, and simply be grateful for the time that he was here. I think that's true. Though I'll always wish he was with us, though I still miss him terribly, I am truly grateful just for the fact that he was here at all. That he marked my life. That he gave me the girls.
And I know that's true for many of you.
How grateful I am for the mark he made on the world. On our friends. On our families.
Ray. We are thinking of you so much on this anniversary and always.
Love always,
kristin
"Give thanks to the Lord for he is good, his love endures forever." Psalm 136:1
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Happy New Year 2012
Loved Ones,
We had a wonderful time at Disney. We sure remembered our time there with Ray four years ago, and we made very special new memories together.
We thank you for your love and friendship in 2011 and we look forward to 2012 -- we pray for a year filled with faith, hope, joy and love.
Tomorrow would have been our 11th anniversary. How grateful I am for Ray. His mark will always be on me and on our girls. He gave us each other, and because of this, our lives will always be full of joy.
Tomorrow would have been our 11th anniversary. How grateful I am for Ray. His mark will always be on me and on our girls. He gave us each other, and because of this, our lives will always be full of joy.
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
My Uncle Sam read these verses at our wedding; how well they capture to me our task in walking this life on earth.
"Hear O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your forehead. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates." Deuteronomy 6:4-9
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Christmas
Loved Ones,
We had a very nice Christmas. The girls were overjoyed with their Christmas present -- a surprise trip to Disney -- and we all look forward to heading to Florida in a few days.
As if I need to say this, but faith is everything.
I struggled this Christmas. I have learned enough about what to expect from the holidays that I know how to manage them for myself. And that makes a huge difference. We keep busy at the right times and I adjust expectations at other times and that really helps.
In addition, thanks to the Christmas chain, we just kept enjoying Christmas no matter how many errands were calling my name. (The Christmas Chain is my family's tradition -- one Christmas activity for each day. The girls and I are faithful to the Chain and we did all kinds of fun things together each day of December)
But the joy of the season was a struggle for me. To quote the lyrics of my favorite Christmas song Oh Holy Night, I really felt more the "weary world" than the "thrill of hope."
Even Disney. As glad as I am to go for the girls sake, I know it will be difficult, thinking of our last time there, just before Ray got sick, and wishing he could be there now.
But God is faithful. I was teaching Religious Ed a few weeks ago for Nora's class and I was reminded of one of the great truths from Ray's funeral. Thinking of what I had to do, bury Ray, I just thought, I can't do it! But when Father Brankin started the prayers and the liturgy, focusing on Christ, I knew I could do it. Likewise. When teaching Nora's class my mind was off of what I had to do, and focused on my source of strength. And I knew I could do it.
But far more than that. Through a variety of events over the season, God has shown me that he cares not just that I can do it. But how I feel doing it. Just, a reminder that he has joy for me. Not everyday!! There's been a long dry spell! But some days! And some moments!
My joy at this recollection is great.
I want to thank all of you who we heard from this Christmas and Thanksgiving. We love and adore all of our friends and we are tremendously thankful for you. You are part of the joy in our lives.
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
"Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me."
Psalm 51:12
We had a very nice Christmas. The girls were overjoyed with their Christmas present -- a surprise trip to Disney -- and we all look forward to heading to Florida in a few days.
As if I need to say this, but faith is everything.
I struggled this Christmas. I have learned enough about what to expect from the holidays that I know how to manage them for myself. And that makes a huge difference. We keep busy at the right times and I adjust expectations at other times and that really helps.
In addition, thanks to the Christmas chain, we just kept enjoying Christmas no matter how many errands were calling my name. (The Christmas Chain is my family's tradition -- one Christmas activity for each day. The girls and I are faithful to the Chain and we did all kinds of fun things together each day of December)
But the joy of the season was a struggle for me. To quote the lyrics of my favorite Christmas song Oh Holy Night, I really felt more the "weary world" than the "thrill of hope."
Even Disney. As glad as I am to go for the girls sake, I know it will be difficult, thinking of our last time there, just before Ray got sick, and wishing he could be there now.
But God is faithful. I was teaching Religious Ed a few weeks ago for Nora's class and I was reminded of one of the great truths from Ray's funeral. Thinking of what I had to do, bury Ray, I just thought, I can't do it! But when Father Brankin started the prayers and the liturgy, focusing on Christ, I knew I could do it. Likewise. When teaching Nora's class my mind was off of what I had to do, and focused on my source of strength. And I knew I could do it.
But far more than that. Through a variety of events over the season, God has shown me that he cares not just that I can do it. But how I feel doing it. Just, a reminder that he has joy for me. Not everyday!! There's been a long dry spell! But some days! And some moments!
My joy at this recollection is great.
I want to thank all of you who we heard from this Christmas and Thanksgiving. We love and adore all of our friends and we are tremendously thankful for you. You are part of the joy in our lives.
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
"Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me."
Psalm 51:12
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
Ray's 40th
Loved Ones,
This Thursday October 13, would have been Ray's 40th birthday.
His friends and family will honor him in many ways this week, as they have throughout the summer at events such as the Third Annual Ray Fitzgerald Illinois Delegation Softball Tournament, and the Ray Fitzgerald White Lake Classic Golf Tournament.
This Friday night will be the inaugeral Ray Fitzgerald Lectureship at Taylor University. There, Ray's lasting legacy will be an annual lecture dedicated to Ray's Catholic faith, honoring him as an example of faith, to educate and inspire decades of Taylor students. All of Ray's family and mine will be present for this special event. And I will tell our story.
Reflecting on it as I have been writing it into my comments for this Friday is still very hard. Just as I honor Ray's dedication to his wife and daughters I miss his presence.
I am so proud of the way that Ray's life and faith did and will inspire so many. That it lives as a testimony of faith to the world.
As part of the lecture, I reflect that this was Ray's task for the Kingdom. His life, his Christian witness.
And now is my task. The telling of the story. The living of the life that continues. Still as a testament to faith.
A few months ago the reading for our church service was Matthew 11:30, "For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." The speaker explained that what was meant by "easy" was well-fitting.
I struggle to find the yoke easy and well-fitting. Yes, there are days, the good days, when I can praise God for all that has been accomplished through him from all that has occurred. And I can even say, well fitting, well suited, capable to the task. But there are many days when the burden seems anything but light, the task anything but well fitting.
And that's the truth of it.
There are just those tasks, those jobs in the Kingdom that are hard. The ones that don't have a lot of volunteers.
Ray had one of those jobs, the hardest of hard. And in a different way, I do too.
The struggle is to somehow find the task-master's presence enough to lighten the load. And to remember, and be at peace with, the breadth and importance of the task.
Ray did those things!!
And I pray these things for my life.
kristin
"Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble of heart. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:29-30
This Thursday October 13, would have been Ray's 40th birthday.
His friends and family will honor him in many ways this week, as they have throughout the summer at events such as the Third Annual Ray Fitzgerald Illinois Delegation Softball Tournament, and the Ray Fitzgerald White Lake Classic Golf Tournament.
This Friday night will be the inaugeral Ray Fitzgerald Lectureship at Taylor University. There, Ray's lasting legacy will be an annual lecture dedicated to Ray's Catholic faith, honoring him as an example of faith, to educate and inspire decades of Taylor students. All of Ray's family and mine will be present for this special event. And I will tell our story.
Reflecting on it as I have been writing it into my comments for this Friday is still very hard. Just as I honor Ray's dedication to his wife and daughters I miss his presence.
I am so proud of the way that Ray's life and faith did and will inspire so many. That it lives as a testimony of faith to the world.
As part of the lecture, I reflect that this was Ray's task for the Kingdom. His life, his Christian witness.
And now is my task. The telling of the story. The living of the life that continues. Still as a testament to faith.
A few months ago the reading for our church service was Matthew 11:30, "For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." The speaker explained that what was meant by "easy" was well-fitting.
I struggle to find the yoke easy and well-fitting. Yes, there are days, the good days, when I can praise God for all that has been accomplished through him from all that has occurred. And I can even say, well fitting, well suited, capable to the task. But there are many days when the burden seems anything but light, the task anything but well fitting.
And that's the truth of it.
There are just those tasks, those jobs in the Kingdom that are hard. The ones that don't have a lot of volunteers.
Ray had one of those jobs, the hardest of hard. And in a different way, I do too.
The struggle is to somehow find the task-master's presence enough to lighten the load. And to remember, and be at peace with, the breadth and importance of the task.
Ray did those things!!
And I pray these things for my life.
May Ray's example be my constant reminder and inspiration.
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
"Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble of heart. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:29-30
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Nora's Communion
Loved Ones,
Nora had her First Communion celebration today. It was a wonderful day, commencing with a celebratory church service and ending with a special celebration of family and friends.
No one would have loved this day more than Ray. In so many ways I could feel his joy today with our beautiful daughter and our special celebration.
Thank you to the many friends who surrounded our precious daughter and our whole family with love today.
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
"Then Jesus declared, "I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never be hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty." John 6:35
Monday, April 25, 2011
Easter
Loved Ones,
I think the discussions of Jesus' death on the cross at Easter bring up Ray's death for the girls. Lucy asked me today if she could write a cross on her forehead for her dad. I said of course, and she promptly did so, a pink one, sideways on her forehead. She did not use washable marker! And after I did my best to wash it off in the bath, she got out and wrote another one.
I am glad for any reminder of Ray for them. I wish it wasn't a reminder of his death, but I am so glad he feels close for Lucy.
She has not expressed too many outward signs of grief about her dad's death, just given her age, but thoughts of him were with her all day and she told me tonight how sad she was because she wanted to tell him something.
I said, let's tell him! Let's tell him, I'm sure he is listening.
She said, "can we open the window?"
So we opened the window and she called out to him that Meredith next door broke her arm and that Nora was getting a new desk in her room.
After a few more things, she settled in bed, with the window open.
I hear you girl. There are so many times that I wish I could tell Ray so many many things.
I felt the need for his presence especially this weekend too. At the Easter Vigil Service at our church I was received into full Communion in the Catholic Church. It was an enormously big step, one that I wished Ray was able to support me in. And the beautiful service reminded me so much of my wedding. There's a part in our wedding video, I've just arrived from down the aisle and we've taken our places at the kneelers in the front of the church. "How are you doing?" Ray asks me.
I wished so much he was at my side at that service, asking me how I was doing.
I pray that he was. And that my remembrance of him at our wedding was his way of sending me that little message. Just a little courage and solidarity along the way.
"How are you doing Lucy?" "Thanks for keeping me up to date."
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." Matthew 5:4
I think the discussions of Jesus' death on the cross at Easter bring up Ray's death for the girls. Lucy asked me today if she could write a cross on her forehead for her dad. I said of course, and she promptly did so, a pink one, sideways on her forehead. She did not use washable marker! And after I did my best to wash it off in the bath, she got out and wrote another one.
I am glad for any reminder of Ray for them. I wish it wasn't a reminder of his death, but I am so glad he feels close for Lucy.
She has not expressed too many outward signs of grief about her dad's death, just given her age, but thoughts of him were with her all day and she told me tonight how sad she was because she wanted to tell him something.
I said, let's tell him! Let's tell him, I'm sure he is listening.
She said, "can we open the window?"
So we opened the window and she called out to him that Meredith next door broke her arm and that Nora was getting a new desk in her room.
After a few more things, she settled in bed, with the window open.
I hear you girl. There are so many times that I wish I could tell Ray so many many things.
I felt the need for his presence especially this weekend too. At the Easter Vigil Service at our church I was received into full Communion in the Catholic Church. It was an enormously big step, one that I wished Ray was able to support me in. And the beautiful service reminded me so much of my wedding. There's a part in our wedding video, I've just arrived from down the aisle and we've taken our places at the kneelers in the front of the church. "How are you doing?" Ray asks me.
I wished so much he was at my side at that service, asking me how I was doing.
I pray that he was. And that my remembrance of him at our wedding was his way of sending me that little message. Just a little courage and solidarity along the way.
"How are you doing Lucy?" "Thanks for keeping me up to date."
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." Matthew 5:4
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