Saturday, March 28, 2009

Spring Break

Loved Ones,

So we're not exactly in Texas. Lucy came down with raging stomach flu on Thursday and we had to postpone our trip. Our suitcases are still packed and sitting on the kitchen floor, but we're sort of in limbo with continued vomiting and diahrrea. All the kids are in front of the TV with gatorade and crackers. As Ray would always say, "The magic of Ariel..." I'm hoping Nora and Maggie are just having sympathy pains because if this really spreads to them we may not get to Texas by the time Spring Break is over! I am very proud of them though, they've been so patient in their disappointment.

So let's see, the good news is that it has given me more time to work on my gastric cancer research project -- hoping to get some federal dollars directed toward researching young people like Ray with an early incidence of GI cancer. Working on this makes me feel good but we have a long road ahead as federal dollars are somewhat scarce.

At this point I'm not sure how to pray except to pray for wisdom as to making decisions and spending my time. It's one of the many things I miss so much about Ray -- his sound guidance.

"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."
Zephaniah 3:17

not alone and not afraid --


Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Two Months

Loved Ones,

There are still times when I am coming down the stairs and thinking of something that I'll think, "Oh perhaps Ray left a message and we can talk now that the kids are in bed." Times that it still feels like he's just in DC and I'm hoping we can connect really soon.

That feeling permeates, I dream it. That feeling of, Ray's been gone a little while and I really miss him, but that he's right around the corner, almost close enough to touch.

How I wish it were so.

I think the girls feel it, talking so often of him. That we can split the donut four ways because Daddy isn't here. That Daddy would have done this, or liked this or the other.

It's still just so hard to believe that he won't be coming back any day. Healthy, well, with all of this just a bad dream.

There is a lot to do. A lot of things to fix, a lot of decisions, a lot of parenting of girls who have been shaken, a lot of a lot. In the early days I focused as much as I could on finding fun and being together; now focusing more on the routines, returning to as much order as I can muster.

Some days I can't muster any order! So I appreciate my saintly family and friends who listen and help and load the dishwasher and fold laundry.

And, there are some days that I feel my husband helping me out. Making sure I saw yes, that most obvious sign. Or reinforcing my leanings one way or another in those most hardest of parenting decisions. I am so grateful for those days.

We leave Thursday to visit family for Spring Break in Texas. We'll think, of course, of our trip last September. And more happily of our trip two years ago, where none of this was on the horizon.

We continue to be so grateful for your prayers.

"But the eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him,
on those whose hope is in his unfailing love, We wait in hope for the LORD; he is our help and our shield In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD, even as we put our hope in you." Psalm 33: 18, 20-22

not alone and not afraid --