There are still times when I am coming down the stairs and thinking of something that I'll think, "Oh perhaps Ray left a message and we can talk now that the kids are in bed." Times that it still feels like he's just in DC and I'm hoping we can connect really soon.
That feeling permeates, I dream it. That feeling of, Ray's been gone a little while and I really miss him, but that he's right around the corner, almost close enough to touch.
How I wish it were so.
I think the girls feel it, talking so often of him. That we can split the donut four ways because Daddy isn't here. That Daddy would have done this, or liked this or the other.
It's still just so hard to believe that he won't be coming back any day. Healthy, well, with all of this just a bad dream.
There is a lot to do. A lot of things to fix, a lot of decisions, a lot of parenting of girls who have been shaken, a lot of a lot. In the early days I focused as much as I could on finding fun and being together; now focusing more on the routines, returning to as much order as I can muster.
Some days I can't muster any order! So I appreciate my saintly family and friends who listen and help and load the dishwasher and fold laundry.
And, there are some days that I feel my husband helping me out. Making sure I saw yes, that most obvious sign. Or reinforcing my leanings one way or another in those most hardest of parenting decisions. I am so grateful for those days.
We leave Thursday to visit family for Spring Break in Texas. We'll think, of course, of our trip last September. And more happily of our trip two years ago, where none of this was on the horizon.
We continue to be so grateful for your prayers.
"But the eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love, We wait in hope for the LORD; he is our help and our shield In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD, even as we put our hope in you." Psalm 33: 18, 20-22
not alone and not afraid --