I think the discussions of Jesus' death on the cross at Easter bring up Ray's death for the girls. Lucy asked me today if she could write a cross on her forehead for her dad. I said of course, and she promptly did so, a pink one, sideways on her forehead. She did not use washable marker! And after I did my best to wash it off in the bath, she got out and wrote another one.
I am glad for any reminder of Ray for them. I wish it wasn't a reminder of his death, but I am so glad he feels close for Lucy.
She has not expressed too many outward signs of grief about her dad's death, just given her age, but thoughts of him were with her all day and she told me tonight how sad she was because she wanted to tell him something.
I said, let's tell him! Let's tell him, I'm sure he is listening.
She said, "can we open the window?"
So we opened the window and she called out to him that Meredith next door broke her arm and that Nora was getting a new desk in her room.
After a few more things, she settled in bed, with the window open.
I hear you girl. There are so many times that I wish I could tell Ray so many many things.
I felt the need for his presence especially this weekend too. At the Easter Vigil Service at our church I was received into full Communion in the Catholic Church. It was an enormously big step, one that I wished Ray was able to support me in. And the beautiful service reminded me so much of my wedding. There's a part in our wedding video, I've just arrived from down the aisle and we've taken our places at the kneelers in the front of the church. "How are you doing?" Ray asks me.
I wished so much he was at my side at that service, asking me how I was doing.
I pray that he was. And that my remembrance of him at our wedding was his way of sending me that little message. Just a little courage and solidarity along the way.
"How are you doing Lucy?" "Thanks for keeping me up to date."
not alone and not afraid --
"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." Matthew 5:4