Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Fear

Loved Ones,

One of the last vestiges of cancer is fear. As I had always been afraid of cancer, of death, of loss, even before Ray, this experience in some ways confirms those fears, and thus heightens their intensity. What next? How to prevent? How to catch? How to avoid?

I believe Ray has triumphed over cancer and thus I pray for his help (and our Lord's) when I feel afraid. And there are days when the fears are at bay.

However, there are other times where fear is a thundering enemy, pressing in on all sides.

And, in my fear, I must also shepherd these little ones, whose security has also been rocked, doing my best to quiet our shaken hearts.

With the example of my courageous husband before me, the one who stared down far scarier things, I know I cannot be defeated by this smallest portion of his battle. I pray for strength. For God's own peace. For victory to pour down for me, and especially for my little girls.

"O LORD, how many are my foes! How many rise up against me! Many are saying of me, "God will not deliver him." But you are a shield around me, O LORD; you bestow glory on me and lift up my head. To the LORD I cry aloud, and he answers me from his holy hill. I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the LORD sustains me. I will not fear the tens of thousands drawn up against me on every side. Arise, O LORD! Deliver me, O my God! From the LORD comes deliverance. May your blessing be on your people." Psalm 3

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

6 comments:

amywb said...

we pray for you, too. you are not alone. xo

Morgs said...

Hi Kristin,

Morgs

Melissa Anderson said...

Kristin,
I'm sure night time is very difficult, but please know that every night a prayer is said for you and the girls at our house.

Layna said...

When you are weak, He is strong. We contiue to pray for you and the girls. Never far from my thoughts. We are here for you and love you all.

Jill L said...

Kristin,
Hi...just read this blog and want you to know all of us at different times have fears that feel huge and overwhelming...and the great news is we can all relate to "fear" and all you need to do is reach out when you feel it is too much! And we carry each other through....
We love you and think of you often!

Anonymous said...

Dear Kristin, Susan Baldauf Wright here. Blythe recently referred me to your blog. I cried my way through, overcome with grief for your sadness and challenges and amazed by your steady faith and wisdom. God gave you such a gift through his promise articulated in Ray's words "not afraid and not alone." This convicts me and I confess fear of losing my husband or family members -- of being alone. The day I read your blog I was rereading part of The Shack and this passage stood out:

"do you not realize that your imagination of the future, which is almost always dictatated by fear of some kind, rarely, if ever, pictures me there with you? ....To the degree that those fears have a place in your life, you neither believe I am good nor know deep in your heart that I love you."

Kristin, your blog, your life is a powerful testimony to God's goodness and presence. Thank you. Blessings and prayers for each day ahead.