One of the last vestiges of cancer is fear. As I had always been afraid of cancer, of death, of loss, even before Ray, this experience in some ways confirms those fears, and thus heightens their intensity. What next? How to prevent? How to catch? How to avoid?
I believe Ray has triumphed over cancer and thus I pray for his help (and our Lord's) when I feel afraid. And there are days when the fears are at bay.
However, there are other times where fear is a thundering enemy, pressing in on all sides.
And, in my fear, I must also shepherd these little ones, whose security has also been rocked, doing my best to quiet our shaken hearts.
With the example of my courageous husband before me, the one who stared down far scarier things, I know I cannot be defeated by this smallest portion of his battle. I pray for strength. For God's own peace. For victory to pour down for me, and especially for my little girls.
"O LORD, how many are my foes! How many rise up against me! Many are saying of me, "God will not deliver him." But you are a shield around me, O LORD; you bestow glory on me and lift up my head. To the LORD I cry aloud, and he answers me from his holy hill. I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the LORD sustains me. I will not fear the tens of thousands drawn up against me on every side. Arise, O LORD! Deliver me, O my God! From the LORD comes deliverance. May your blessing be on your people." Psalm 3
not alone and not afraid --