Happy New Year 2012

Loved Ones,

We had a wonderful time at Disney. We sure remembered our time there with Ray four years ago, and we made very special new memories together.

We thank you for your love and friendship in 2011 and we look forward to 2012 -- we pray for a year filled with faith, hope, joy and love.

Tomorrow would have been our 11th anniversary. How grateful I am for Ray. His mark will always be on me and on our girls. He gave us each other, and because of this, our lives will always be full of joy.

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

My Uncle Sam read these verses at our wedding; how well they capture to me our task in walking this life on earth.

"Hear O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your forehead. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates." Deuteronomy 6:4-9

Christmas

Loved Ones,

We had a very nice Christmas. The girls were overjoyed with their Christmas present -- a surprise trip to Disney -- and we all look forward to heading to Florida in a few days.

As if I need to say this, but faith is everything.

I struggled this Christmas. I have learned enough about what to expect from the holidays that I know how to manage them for myself. And that makes a huge difference. We keep busy at the right times and I adjust expectations at other times and that really helps.

In addition, thanks to the Christmas chain, we just kept enjoying Christmas no matter how many errands were calling my name. (The Christmas Chain is my family's tradition -- one Christmas activity for each day. The girls and I are faithful to the Chain and we did all kinds of fun things together each day of December)

But the joy of the season was a struggle for me. To quote the lyrics of my favorite Christmas song Oh Holy Night, I really felt more the "weary world" than the "thrill of hope."

Even Disney. As glad as I am to go for the girls sake, I know it will be difficult, thinking of our last time there, just before Ray got sick, and wishing he could be there now.

But God is faithful. I was teaching Religious Ed a few weeks ago for Nora's class and I was reminded of one of the great truths from Ray's funeral. Thinking of what I had to do, bury Ray, I just thought, I can't do it! But when Father Brankin started the prayers and the liturgy, focusing on Christ, I knew I could do it. Likewise. When teaching Nora's class my mind was off of what I had to do, and focused on my source of strength. And I knew I could do it.

But far more than that. Through a variety of events over the season, God has shown me that he cares not just that I can do it. But how I feel doing it. Just, a reminder that he has joy for me. Not everyday!! There's been a long dry spell! But some days! And some moments!

My joy at this recollection is great.

I want to thank all of you who we heard from this Christmas and Thanksgiving. We love and adore all of our friends and we are tremendously thankful for you. You are part of the joy in our lives.

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

"Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me."
Psalm 51:12

Ray's 40th

Loved Ones,

This Thursday October 13, would have been Ray's 40th birthday.


His friends and family will honor him in many ways this week, as they have throughout the summer at events such as the Third Annual Ray Fitzgerald Illinois Delegation Softball Tournament, and the Ray Fitzgerald White Lake Classic Golf Tournament.


This Friday night will be the inaugeral Ray Fitzgerald Lectureship at Taylor University. There, Ray's lasting legacy will be an annual lecture dedicated to Ray's Catholic faith, honoring him as an example of faith, to educate and inspire decades of Taylor students. All of Ray's family and mine will be present for this special event. And I will tell our story.


Reflecting on it as I have been writing it into my comments for this Friday is still very hard. Just as I honor Ray's dedication to his wife and daughters I miss his presence.


I am so proud of the way that Ray's life and faith did and will inspire so many. That it lives as a testimony of faith to the world.

As part of the lecture, I reflect that this was Ray's task for the Kingdom. His life, his Christian witness.


And now is my task. The telling of the story. The living of the life that continues. Still as a testament to faith.

A few months ago the reading for our church service was Matthew 11:30, "For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." The speaker explained that what was meant by "easy" was well-fitting.


I struggle to find the yoke easy and well-fitting. Yes, there are days, the good days, when I can praise God for all that has been accomplished through him from all that has occurred. And I can even say, well fitting, well suited, capable to the task. But there are many days when the burden seems anything but light, the task anything but well fitting.


And that's the truth of it.


There are just those tasks, those jobs in the Kingdom that are hard. The ones that don't have a lot of volunteers.

Ray had one of those jobs, the hardest of hard. And in a different way, I do too.

The struggle is to somehow find the task-master's presence enough to lighten the load. And to remember, and be at peace with, the breadth and importance of the task.


Ray did those things!!

And I pray these things for my life.

May Ray's example be my constant reminder and inspiration.

not alone and not afraid --

kristin


"Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble of heart. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:29-30

Nora's Communion

Loved Ones,

Nora had her First Communion celebration today. It was a wonderful day, commencing with a celebratory church service and ending with a special celebration of family and friends.

No one would have loved this day more than Ray. In so many ways I could feel his joy today with our beautiful daughter and our special celebration.

Thank you to the many friends who surrounded our precious daughter and our whole family with love today.

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

"Then Jesus declared, "I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never be hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty." John 6:35

Easter

Loved Ones,

I think the discussions of Jesus' death on the cross at Easter bring up Ray's death for the girls. Lucy asked me today if she could write a cross on her forehead for her dad. I said of course, and she promptly did so, a pink one, sideways on her forehead. She did not use washable marker! And after I did my best to wash it off in the bath, she got out and wrote another one.

I am glad for any reminder of Ray for them. I wish it wasn't a reminder of his death, but I am so glad he feels close for Lucy.

She has not expressed too many outward signs of grief about her dad's death, just given her age, but thoughts of him were with her all day and she told me tonight how sad she was because she wanted to tell him something.

I said, let's tell him! Let's tell him, I'm sure he is listening.

She said, "can we open the window?"

So we opened the window and she called out to him that Meredith next door broke her arm and that Nora was getting a new desk in her room.

After a few more things, she settled in bed, with the window open.

I hear you girl. There are so many times that I wish I could tell Ray so many many things.

I felt the need for his presence especially this weekend too. At the Easter Vigil Service at our church I was received into full Communion in the Catholic Church. It was an enormously big step, one that I wished Ray was able to support me in. And the beautiful service reminded me so much of my wedding. There's a part in our wedding video, I've just arrived from down the aisle and we've taken our places at the kneelers in the front of the church. "How are you doing?" Ray asks me.

I wished so much he was at my side at that service, asking me how I was doing.

I pray that he was. And that my remembrance of him at our wedding was his way of sending me that little message. Just a little courage and solidarity along the way.

"How are you doing Lucy?" "Thanks for keeping me up to date."

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." Matthew 5:4

A Message from Ray

We got your message Ray! The girls and their Grandad and I were painting our guest room this weekend. It is to be Nora's new room; Maggie and Nora having too much stuff to cram into one space. Grandad and I worked hard all day and we were almost finished. He suggested we just paint over the vent in the room, but I wanted to leave it white so he unscrewed the cover and lifted it off to find: NORA

A love note! A love note from her Dad written before he ever knew that this would be her room. Written when he thought he would be painting her rooms forever. But now, something linking her Dad to her present, her new room, the Nora that is growing older.

We do not always have the opportunity to tell our own story. Sometimes others have to carry on our legacy for us. How glad I am for actions like this that remind us of Ray. The Dad that painted his daughter's name inside the vent. A secret love note.

What is lost is found.

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

"Jesus answered, "He was born blind so that the works of God might be revealed in him." John 9:3

Happy Birthday Lucy

Loved Ones,

Today is Lucy's birthday. My sweet darling girl, not even two when her dad died, is four years old. My energetic, creative, strong-willed baby girl is growing up! How much her father would have loved to see her with goggles on swimming in the pool, talking about "fonge bob," writing her name in preschool, playing her barbies!

A few weeks ago Lucy was at her uncle's house and he offered to dance with her while she waited for her turn on the karaoke. Lucy was overjoyed. She danced and danced and flipped and smiled. Her uncle decided to get a drink of water and Lucy followed on his heels and stood and waited while he drank until she could pull him back to the dance floor. Likewise, last weekend at the pool, a friend's dad began playing wtih Lucy while he played with his son. I will not forget the sight of Lucy hanging over the pool rope with unadulterated joy on her face as her friend's dad threw her a toy to find in the pool or picked her up and helped her make a big splash.

The girls are very happy, well adjusted ladies. They are not somber. They do not not appear to be in mourning. But when they have the opportunity to play with a dad, it is the one time you can see what they are missing. They can't stop. They want to play and play. They have found what they need, what they are missing, the need they don't even think about or know, except when it is presented in front of them.

We have a choice in this world.

Everytime I see this situation play out I could be angry for my children. Angry that their wonderful father isn't here to shower upon them the attention and love that they need and deserve. Sad, that they are missing this so deeply, so greatly, so obviously.

I could think these thoughts every time. Forever.

I choose instead to be glad. So glad that I am there to give them everything I can. And in those moments where they can play with a dad, so glad that they can joyfully gain what they need. Glad at the joy in their faces when they experience what some children have everyday. Glad that they are not embarrassed, glad that they are joyful, unashamedly enjoying the love of someone standing in the gap. For a moment. For an hour.

To all those friends and family out there, the ones that say hello to Maggie and Lucy when they walk by them, cheer extra hard for Nora on the soccer field, put them on their shoulders, throw them in the pool, thank you. Thank you for being there for my children. Whether or not you knew their father, you can be sure that HE KNOWS YOU.

Happy Birthday Lucy girl.

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

"Zion said, "The Lord has forsaken me; my Lord has forgotten me." Can a mother forget her infant, be without tenderness for the child of her womb? Even should she forget, I will never forget you." Isaiah 49:14-15