And then there was one

Loved Ones,

Maggie returned to preschool this week. Maggie's teacher knew Ray, we spoke in Nora's class two years ago about DC, so she knew Ray before he was even sick. And she is as close to a fairy princess as any preschool teacher I have ever seen. So I was excited about the year for Maggie. But Maggie had a hard time with school last year after Ray died, so we weren't sure exactly how it would go.

Here is the picture, and you can see for yourself.

I am so glad for God's healing hand for myself and the girls. Our grief and sadness for Ray are so big. We have a lot ahead. But I am so thankful to see healing and restoration along the way.

"Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good. His love endures forever." Psalm 136:1

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

Back to School

Loved Ones,

The Fitzgeralds have begun another school year with the start of first grade for Nora on August 19. And just tonight, her first grade soccer practice with Mom as Assistant Coach. Maggie doesn't start school until after Labor Day but she and Lucy had their first gymnastics class this week too.

Our days have been filled with milestones and we miss Ray very much. We know how proud he is. And we are glad for his love and the love of our Savior.

"The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 3:17

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

Hearing Ray's Voice

Loved Ones,

Of all the things I search for, it is Ray's voice. Knowing what things he would want, doing what would have made him happy. Sometimes it is hard to know what choice he would make, sometimes harder to do what I know he would say. And then there are days that everything seems right and I know that we are exactly where we should be.

We had some moments like that this weekend and today. Cookouts with friends and family, caring for friends who've lost a loved one, and watching golf at the Solheim Cup in nearby Sugar Grove.

Oh how glad I am to continue to be able to strengthen the link between the girls and their dad.

"Keep yourselves in God's love as you wait for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ to bring you to eternal life." Jude 1:21

not alone and not afraid

kristin

White Lake 2009

White Lake 2008

Loved Ones,

We are back from White Lake. We had a great week there. Though it was heartbreaking to arrive without Ray, we felt very close to him, doing the things he did each summer since he was a little boy. It was great to be with his family as well. Uncle Joe renamed the White Lake Golf scramble in Ray's honor and made special shirts with his picture -- a lovely one of Ray at last year's golf event.

It is still very hard to believe that we were all together at White Lake only one year ago. And it is always very hard to get back in the car to go home without him.

Now that we are back at home, we are busy swimming every day so that we are ready to begin school on August 19! That's the first day of first grade for Nora so we are making the most of our time at the pool.

We are thankful for your continued prayers.

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Matthew 5:4

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

Loved Ones,

We leave Friday (7/31) for Wisconsin for a few days with my relatives and then a week at White Lake with Ray's family.

This week each summer was the most heralded of Ray's childhood. It was his happiest week while battling cancer; the most normal of the days we had together.

I know we will desperately miss his presence there this summer, while knowing that we can't be far from his sights.

Lucy has been saying lately that daddy is following us home when we drive. She points to the moon or the clouds which do seem to follow our car.

I know he'll follow us to White Lake.

"If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast." Psalm 139:8-10

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

Six Months of Missing Ray

Loved Ones,

Though hard to believe, it was six months today since Ray went to heaven.

I find myself so surprised by this milestone. Six months seems like such a long time. It doesn't seem possible that we have been missing Ray in our daily lives for such a long time.

Perhaps in recognition of this, Ray was so present today. I dreamed last night that he was here. It was so wonderful and puzzling, and I told him that he couldn't go on any more trips.

In reading my emails, in hearing a joke, I know my husband would be amused. Oh how I wish that I could share them with him.

I am thankful for every dream, every memory, every thought that ties us to him.

"I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness, and you will acknowledge the LORD." Hosea 2:19-20

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

Remembering Ray

Loved Ones,

We are adjusting to being back at home. We spent all day Friday cleaning and Saturday weeding, catching up on the tasks that we escaped at the beach.
The house and yard are accordingly organized. And this is comforting.

Today we had time for a little fun and we went fishing with neighbors. Nora caught twelve fish! Maggie caught a lot also and Lucy had lots of snacks. It was good to be with our neighbors and we've been glad to reconnect with our friends here.

While we were away a friend from chemo passed away. A bright and lovely light, snuffed out far too quickly by cancer. His passing and the grief of his wife and children have been on our hearts and minds, reminding us of our grief and filling us with empathy for our friends.

We found out while we were in DC that the language I worked on, requesting the National Cancer Institute to study GI cancer in patients under 40, will be included in the House and Senate Appropriations bills. We are so glad that research attention will be paid to this dreadful disease.

When Ray was sick, I had no doubts about the tasks and work that God had for me. Helping Ray and the girls and expressing the words God put in my heart were the things that I knew I had to do -- the burdens on my heart and mind.

Our favorite golfer Phil Mickelson is also fighting cancer; his wife began treatment for breast cancer July 1. Reading his blog I recall so dearly our fight against cancer. "We begin treatment..." The words are so familiar. I remember writing that "we" and sometimes correcting it. Our fight. But one that left us both in such different spots.

With Ray gone, God's plan for me in all of this is harder to find -- fighting cancer, helping others, living faithfully, telling our story, healing with the girls -- all these are important tasks -- ones to balance and weigh.

I would never summon back the tenor and veracity of the fight we fought. But I pray for that clarity of God's mission upon me -- it's very strength gives continued meaning to Ray's death.

"On this mountain he will destroy the shroud that enfolds all peoples, the sheet that covers all nations; he will swallow up death forever. The Sovereign LORD will wipe away the tears from all faces; he will remove the disgrace of his people from all the earth. The LORD has spoken. In that day they will say, "Surely this is our God; we trusted in him, and he saved us. This is the LORD, we trusted in him; let us rejoice and be glad in his salvation." Isaiah 25:7-9

not alone and not afraid --

kristin