Vacation

Loved Ones,

We are finally back at home after our vacation.

The weeks in Rehoboth were wonderful. A true rest for us. We spent most days at the beach; I always had the drag the girls home at 5 or 6 pm. They are true beach lovers like their mom.

We were able to attend our family reunion in Pennsylvania and had a good week seeing friends in DC. Nowhere do I have memories of Ray like DC; every street, each neighborhood is a pearl of our past.

The vacation culminated with a softball tournament in DC in honor of Ray. We were so glad to be able to attend and be with our friends who loved Ray. It was a special day.

God's provision for us was manifest in many ways: my saintly cousin who flew out to DC to drive home with us, our car battery which died completely Monday morning after we returned home but made it through our long drive home!

Oh how we wished to return home to find our husband and dad!

But we are glad to be back home with our family who reminds us of him.

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

A Happy Birthday

Loved Ones,

Thank you for your prayers, cards, emails and thoughtfulness this birthday. The girls and I had a lovely day.

There are some days where the winds are light and the waters are calm and the sun shines so brightly --the weather a perfect parallel for our hearts. Today was one of those days. I wondered if it was Ray's birthday present for me.

I've wondered, on the stormy days like Father's Day, just why they have to occur. Why death, why pain, why grief, fear and sadness? I don't know the answer to that. But I know that those hard hard times deepen our appreciation of the peaceful times so much more completely. Even the peaceful minutes! The simple beauty of observing undetected the joyful moments of our children.

This trip has held countless beautiful moments like that. Yesterday was filled with them.I know that this is an answer to many prayers.

“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace. What does the worker gain from his toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on men. He has made everything beautiful in its time.” Ecclesiastes 3:1-11

not alone and not afraid,

kristin

Vacation

Loved ones,

We are here in Rehoboth Beach.The drive was long, but the girls were great.

This spot is filled with memories. Ray and I were here many times in our early life together and it was our very first family vacation with Nora.

I am having fun pointing out special spots to the girls.

We made an early visit to DC on Wednesday for the Congressional Baseball game where Ray's old boss, Congressman John Shimkus, honored him by wearing a White Sox jersey with the name Fitzgerald and the number 37. It was a very special night for all of us, and thrilling too that Ray's sisters who joined us for a few days at the beach, were also able to attend.

Now we are back at the beach where the quieter life provides special family time and room for reflection. We are glad for this respite.

We will be thinking of Ray especially this Father's Day.

“I will not forget you. Behold, I have inscribed you on the palms of my hands.” Isaiah 49:15-16

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

Family Vacation

Loved Ones,

Tomorrow the girls and I are off to the East Coast for some time at the beach and at various locales with family and friends.

We are looking forward to the time together, although not so much the some 44 hours in the car!

We'll be in DC at a few key points for some Congressional events honoring Ray which bookend our vacation time.

A friend watched the girls today while I packed up the car.

During our day to day life, we have come to expect Ray's absence and thus are rarely suprised, for example, by his car parked in the driveway. It is most often the evenings and weekends -- times he would have been home -- that we miss him. And, we are even becoming more accustomed to those times.

However, because a vacation is not day to day life, I was reminded of Ray throughout today. As I did the jobs he usually did to prepare, and as I thought of our vacation, even our drive, without him there. I remember when both Ray and I were working, there was nothing so delicious as stepping away from it all, together. Because a family vacation is by definition, family time, it emphasizes, even more than our daily life, that our family has changed.

Today I was reminded of how much I miss our old family!

I've hoped so much that this vacation will strengthen the tenacity of our smaller family unit, bringing all of us joy, even and especially in our new world.

I pray for the strength to lead us on that path, for safety and patience on the road, and for time and tenderness with our family and our friends.

"I am laid low in the dust; preserve my life according to your word.
I recounted my ways and you answered me; teach me your decrees.
Let me understand the teaching of your precepts; then I will meditate on your wonders.
My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word.
I have chosen the way of truth; I have set my heart on your laws.
I run in the path of your commands, for you have set my heart free." Psalm 119:25-28,30,32

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

Remembering Their Dad

Loved Ones,

Ray has been so present for the girls the past few days. All three of them have talked about memories with their dad.

A few nights ago we were watching Animal Planet and a preview for a show came on. Nora told us that she used to watch that show with Daddy. Similarly, Maggie mentioned the way he used to scratch her back. Not to be forgotten, as we left Costco today, the checker drew a smiley face for Lucy on our receipt. She said it was a picture of her dad.

There is such poignance in all of this for me. When Ray was feeling a little better last summer, I would send the girls in with him while I put Lucy to bed. They usually watched TV and once I asked if they wanted to read books. Ray told me that he hoped they would remember watching Animal Planet with him.

They remember Ray!!

Along with the many things I want to tell him about their progress in school, soccer and ballet; their efforts to help clean up the house; all their growing beauty; I just wish I could tell Ray that he was right! That this memory will stand out for them.

Lucy told me today that Daddy had a Doctor with him in heaven. I told her, no, Daddy is well. She then told me that Jesus and God were with him in heaven.

I am thankful for all the things Ray taught them, for every special memory and for each reflection of him in the girls.

"Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates." Deuteronomy 5:4-9

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

Softball Season

Loved Ones,

Last night we attended a softball game of the Cress Creek Coyotes. Ray played softball on the team with our friends and neighbors for two years and was just entering his third season last year when he got sick.

The team got new shirts this year and on each sleeve is a shamrock with RMF.

They presented us with Ray's "Fitzgerald" jersey after the game.

And while it is so hard to bear Ray's absence at events like this, it is so meaningful to see the visible representation of love from Ray's friends.

We so appreciate this love and support and the comment from one friend, "We just want you to know, we won't forget Ray."

This makes Ray seem not so far away.

I ran a race this morning and as I glanced up I saw a man that looked just like Ray. His baseball cap, gray t-shirt, two little girls, smile for his wife. It seemed like just a little farther up Ray might be there too.

It still seems impossible that he won't be coming in from the infield, cheering me on in a race, wearing those t-shirts he wore a thousand times.

We all miss him so so much. I'm so glad that someday, we will see him again in heaven.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—kept in heaven for you." 1 Peter 1:3-4

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

Missing my Husband

Loved Ones,

They say that sickness and death reveal the real core of a person. I think that is probably true and if it is, the core of my husband was faith in God; kindness, thoughtfulness and love for others; graciousness in suffering; and of course, love of the White Sox.

I thought back today to a moment in the hospital that first time. When we got there and he had the first round of chemo, Ray was just so so sick. It was hard to imagine but in the week since his diagnosis the cancer had just weakened him so greatly, he wasn't himself at all. He started that first round of chemo really late at night and it knocked him out for a few days.

So we were getting closer to leaving and they'd prescribed a ton of different medications for Ray which I was attempting to fill at the hospital pharmacy. This took many trips back and forth for various reasons and when I was heading back downstairs once again, Ray looked at me and winked.

It was like my heart stopped. My husband! He was back!

Because of all things, Ray was an exceptional husband. Encouraging me in my small task of filling the prescriptions. While he fought cancer.

That was Ray.

Of all the things I miss, I really miss being Ray's wife.

"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her." Ephesians 5:25

not alone and not afraid --

kristin