Loved Ones,
In honor of Ray, his mom and sisters and I (and my little Maggie) went to church today for a mass.
The mass included this prayer:
Glorious St. Paul,
Most zealous Apostle,
Martyr for the love of Christ,
Give us a deep faith,
A steadfast hope,
A burning love for our Lord
So that we can proclaim with you
"It is no longer I who live,
But Christ who lives in me."
How truly appropriate a prayer for Ray. One who died to himself, but LIVES ON in Christ.
I am so thankful for his example.
Daily I fail at this endeavor, but I do believe that the answer to fears of cancer, fears of death, fears of loss, is not to say that this will not occur. But rather, to know that it can, and to cling to our hope in Christ. Our hope that Christ has overcome the world.
My husband overcame the world and cancer.
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Loved Ones,The Tuesday after Memorial Day, May 27th, was the day it all changed for us. Ray stayed home from work and the doctor called to say he wanted to go over Ray's tests.
The girls and Ray planted flowers and I tried not to think about my fears.
When they told us about the cancer in Ray's liver we were so unaware of cancer that we just didn't know what that even meant. I heard my ears ringing as I realized that I had just heard the words I feared. Ray simply said, God will not give us more than we can handle.
We reached out with hope to friends to help us navigate. And others to pray. We started collecting survivor stories and miracles. We prayed that God, who is bigger than cancer, would beat this thing.
We knew our world had changed. We didn't know how much.
I thought of Ray so often today. Thinking of that day. Thinking of him in heaven.
We are so grateful for your prayers today and always.
"For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." Ephesians 3:14-19
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Memorial Day Weekend
Loved Ones,
With the memory of Ray's diagnosis the day after Memorial Day last year, I've dreaded this weekend. I so appreciate the many of you who appear to have conspired to keep us busy this weekend. That helps a lot.
The girls have prayed so much of late about cancer. Sparing us and others from cancer. Helping scientists to find a cure for cancer. Helping us not to die if we get cancer. We cannot know what the future holds! We are working on praying that God will always be near.
I find that the future feels so very tenuous. Knowing that it changes so quickly, I wonder that we will even experience it.
And, always on my mind is the fact that my dear husband did not get to do so. As we travel to my niece's softball game, as we plan cookouts on the Southside, the many things I seek out, things that he would have loved, because they make him seem so close, then I particularly feel the sadness that he cannot be with us. He would have loved to do all this. And he didn't get to!
And I go back to our prayers. That in the inexplicable, God will be near. That his love for us, will be as present as the love we've lost.
"Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus... let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith... Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful." Hebrews 10:19, 22, 23
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
With the memory of Ray's diagnosis the day after Memorial Day last year, I've dreaded this weekend. I so appreciate the many of you who appear to have conspired to keep us busy this weekend. That helps a lot.
The girls have prayed so much of late about cancer. Sparing us and others from cancer. Helping scientists to find a cure for cancer. Helping us not to die if we get cancer. We cannot know what the future holds! We are working on praying that God will always be near.
I find that the future feels so very tenuous. Knowing that it changes so quickly, I wonder that we will even experience it.
And, always on my mind is the fact that my dear husband did not get to do so. As we travel to my niece's softball game, as we plan cookouts on the Southside, the many things I seek out, things that he would have loved, because they make him seem so close, then I particularly feel the sadness that he cannot be with us. He would have loved to do all this. And he didn't get to!
And I go back to our prayers. That in the inexplicable, God will be near. That his love for us, will be as present as the love we've lost.
"Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus... let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith... Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful." Hebrews 10:19, 22, 23
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Memories
Loved Ones,
Today marks the entrance to our cancer memories. It was this day, one year ago, that Ray came home so very white and tired from his trip to DC. Remarkably for me, it was only then that I put "burping" into google and came up with cancer. And so, from this day forward, what would actually become reality, was in my sights.
The next few weeks hold so many turning point memories. Ray's diagnosis. Ray's prognosis. The days that changed us all forever.
I do not want or like to look back on those memories, I will be glad to get into the summer where we have other better memories from the year before. However, in looking back, I am still so very grateful for your prayers. That carried us through those days. That strengthened our very cores. And, that help to carry us still, one year later.
Nora asked me tonight how many days of kindergarten Daddy was alive. And so we counted it out. And there were more days with Daddy here on earth than there were with him in heaven. Even this is a blessing, the proximity to the days that Ray was here.
We are grateful for your continued support, the friends who listen and listen, the cards and emails, the thoughts and prayers.
We are ever so grateful to our Saviour, always with us.
"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength." Isaiah 40:28-31
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
Today marks the entrance to our cancer memories. It was this day, one year ago, that Ray came home so very white and tired from his trip to DC. Remarkably for me, it was only then that I put "burping" into google and came up with cancer. And so, from this day forward, what would actually become reality, was in my sights.
The next few weeks hold so many turning point memories. Ray's diagnosis. Ray's prognosis. The days that changed us all forever.
I do not want or like to look back on those memories, I will be glad to get into the summer where we have other better memories from the year before. However, in looking back, I am still so very grateful for your prayers. That carried us through those days. That strengthened our very cores. And, that help to carry us still, one year later.
Nora asked me tonight how many days of kindergarten Daddy was alive. And so we counted it out. And there were more days with Daddy here on earth than there were with him in heaven. Even this is a blessing, the proximity to the days that Ray was here.
We are grateful for your continued support, the friends who listen and listen, the cards and emails, the thoughts and prayers.
We are ever so grateful to our Saviour, always with us.
"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength." Isaiah 40:28-31
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
Monday, May 11, 2009
Mother's Day
Loved Ones,
It was a good day. It was a day that I felt Ray with us.
The girls "made" me breakfast in bed with a little help from Dunkin Donuts and Aunt Molly. One of my favorite things was this comment from Nora last night, "Mom, I don't want you to have to do any work on Mother's Day. So could you please get all your work done tonight?" She's a smart kid! But also so sweet, as she got Lucy out of bed herself so that I wouldn't wake up till at least 6:30!
The girls and I had fun just being together, along with a lovely brunch with my mom and sister, and fun times with the Fitzgeralds this evening.
A special spot in the day was our time at the cemetary. The girls and I headed there by ourselves, but when we arrived we were met by Ray's mom and sisters. Coincidence? I didn't think so and I thanked Ray for that, as it was so good to be there together instead of by ourselves.
We are so grateful for our family who played such a special part in this day, and in this whole year.
"For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God." Ephesians 3:14-19
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
It was a good day. It was a day that I felt Ray with us.
The girls "made" me breakfast in bed with a little help from Dunkin Donuts and Aunt Molly. One of my favorite things was this comment from Nora last night, "Mom, I don't want you to have to do any work on Mother's Day. So could you please get all your work done tonight?" She's a smart kid! But also so sweet, as she got Lucy out of bed herself so that I wouldn't wake up till at least 6:30!
The girls and I had fun just being together, along with a lovely brunch with my mom and sister, and fun times with the Fitzgeralds this evening.
A special spot in the day was our time at the cemetary. The girls and I headed there by ourselves, but when we arrived we were met by Ray's mom and sisters. Coincidence? I didn't think so and I thanked Ray for that, as it was so good to be there together instead of by ourselves.
We are so grateful for our family who played such a special part in this day, and in this whole year.
"For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God." Ephesians 3:14-19
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Loved Ones,
In rereading my last posting, I found it so ironic that the title was "fear" and it was signed, "not alone and not afraid!" I did not even catch that as I wrote, just reaching out for help in trying to stand strong. I hope it is not disappointing to all of you, the fears; we have felt them all along. "Not afraid" is truly my highest hope and goal. For me, however, it takes prayer and determination to be in that spot.
The girls and I are getting along. We are doing our best to learn how to keep going, knowing that God's care for us can and has meant that we may experience things we are afraid of. How I wish this wasn't true!
However, I am trying to be thankful for my fears, knowing that it truly gives me a window to understand how my girls may feel, and help all of us to find a way through for our life.
I am so thankful for the girls! They are looking forward to making me breakfast in bed for Mother's Day. Ray did this with them last year and they are excited to continue the tradition.
I know it will be a bittersweet day for all of us. We are looking forward to visiting Ray's grave as the gravestone has finally arrived, exciting news since our visit there last week. I am so thankful it will be there for Mother's Day.
We all continue to be so thankful for your prayers, your company, and your encouragement.
"We wait in hope for the LORD; he is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD, even as we put our hope in you." Psalm 33:20-22
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
In rereading my last posting, I found it so ironic that the title was "fear" and it was signed, "not alone and not afraid!" I did not even catch that as I wrote, just reaching out for help in trying to stand strong. I hope it is not disappointing to all of you, the fears; we have felt them all along. "Not afraid" is truly my highest hope and goal. For me, however, it takes prayer and determination to be in that spot.
The girls and I are getting along. We are doing our best to learn how to keep going, knowing that God's care for us can and has meant that we may experience things we are afraid of. How I wish this wasn't true!
However, I am trying to be thankful for my fears, knowing that it truly gives me a window to understand how my girls may feel, and help all of us to find a way through for our life.
I am so thankful for the girls! They are looking forward to making me breakfast in bed for Mother's Day. Ray did this with them last year and they are excited to continue the tradition.
I know it will be a bittersweet day for all of us. We are looking forward to visiting Ray's grave as the gravestone has finally arrived, exciting news since our visit there last week. I am so thankful it will be there for Mother's Day.
We all continue to be so thankful for your prayers, your company, and your encouragement.
"We wait in hope for the LORD; he is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD, even as we put our hope in you." Psalm 33:20-22
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Fear
Loved Ones,
One of the last vestiges of cancer is fear. As I had always been afraid of cancer, of death, of loss, even before Ray, this experience in some ways confirms those fears, and thus heightens their intensity. What next? How to prevent? How to catch? How to avoid?
I believe Ray has triumphed over cancer and thus I pray for his help (and our Lord's) when I feel afraid. And there are days when the fears are at bay.
However, there are other times where fear is a thundering enemy, pressing in on all sides.
And, in my fear, I must also shepherd these little ones, whose security has also been rocked, doing my best to quiet our shaken hearts.
With the example of my courageous husband before me, the one who stared down far scarier things, I know I cannot be defeated by this smallest portion of his battle. I pray for strength. For God's own peace. For victory to pour down for me, and especially for my little girls.
"O LORD, how many are my foes! How many rise up against me! Many are saying of me, "God will not deliver him." But you are a shield around me, O LORD; you bestow glory on me and lift up my head. To the LORD I cry aloud, and he answers me from his holy hill. I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the LORD sustains me. I will not fear the tens of thousands drawn up against me on every side. Arise, O LORD! Deliver me, O my God! From the LORD comes deliverance. May your blessing be on your people." Psalm 3
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
One of the last vestiges of cancer is fear. As I had always been afraid of cancer, of death, of loss, even before Ray, this experience in some ways confirms those fears, and thus heightens their intensity. What next? How to prevent? How to catch? How to avoid?
I believe Ray has triumphed over cancer and thus I pray for his help (and our Lord's) when I feel afraid. And there are days when the fears are at bay.
However, there are other times where fear is a thundering enemy, pressing in on all sides.
And, in my fear, I must also shepherd these little ones, whose security has also been rocked, doing my best to quiet our shaken hearts.
With the example of my courageous husband before me, the one who stared down far scarier things, I know I cannot be defeated by this smallest portion of his battle. I pray for strength. For God's own peace. For victory to pour down for me, and especially for my little girls.
"O LORD, how many are my foes! How many rise up against me! Many are saying of me, "God will not deliver him." But you are a shield around me, O LORD; you bestow glory on me and lift up my head. To the LORD I cry aloud, and he answers me from his holy hill. I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the LORD sustains me. I will not fear the tens of thousands drawn up against me on every side. Arise, O LORD! Deliver me, O my God! From the LORD comes deliverance. May your blessing be on your people." Psalm 3
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
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