Loved Ones,
In rereading my last posting, I found it so ironic that the title was "fear" and it was signed, "not alone and not afraid!" I did not even catch that as I wrote, just reaching out for help in trying to stand strong. I hope it is not disappointing to all of you, the fears; we have felt them all along. "Not afraid" is truly my highest hope and goal. For me, however, it takes prayer and determination to be in that spot.
The girls and I are getting along. We are doing our best to learn how to keep going, knowing that God's care for us can and has meant that we may experience things we are afraid of. How I wish this wasn't true!
However, I am trying to be thankful for my fears, knowing that it truly gives me a window to understand how my girls may feel, and help all of us to find a way through for our life.
I am so thankful for the girls! They are looking forward to making me breakfast in bed for Mother's Day. Ray did this with them last year and they are excited to continue the tradition.
I know it will be a bittersweet day for all of us. We are looking forward to visiting Ray's grave as the gravestone has finally arrived, exciting news since our visit there last week. I am so thankful it will be there for Mother's Day.
We all continue to be so thankful for your prayers, your company, and your encouragement.
"We wait in hope for the LORD; he is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD, even as we put our hope in you." Psalm 33:20-22
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Fear
Loved Ones,
One of the last vestiges of cancer is fear. As I had always been afraid of cancer, of death, of loss, even before Ray, this experience in some ways confirms those fears, and thus heightens their intensity. What next? How to prevent? How to catch? How to avoid?
I believe Ray has triumphed over cancer and thus I pray for his help (and our Lord's) when I feel afraid. And there are days when the fears are at bay.
However, there are other times where fear is a thundering enemy, pressing in on all sides.
And, in my fear, I must also shepherd these little ones, whose security has also been rocked, doing my best to quiet our shaken hearts.
With the example of my courageous husband before me, the one who stared down far scarier things, I know I cannot be defeated by this smallest portion of his battle. I pray for strength. For God's own peace. For victory to pour down for me, and especially for my little girls.
"O LORD, how many are my foes! How many rise up against me! Many are saying of me, "God will not deliver him." But you are a shield around me, O LORD; you bestow glory on me and lift up my head. To the LORD I cry aloud, and he answers me from his holy hill. I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the LORD sustains me. I will not fear the tens of thousands drawn up against me on every side. Arise, O LORD! Deliver me, O my God! From the LORD comes deliverance. May your blessing be on your people." Psalm 3
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
One of the last vestiges of cancer is fear. As I had always been afraid of cancer, of death, of loss, even before Ray, this experience in some ways confirms those fears, and thus heightens their intensity. What next? How to prevent? How to catch? How to avoid?
I believe Ray has triumphed over cancer and thus I pray for his help (and our Lord's) when I feel afraid. And there are days when the fears are at bay.
However, there are other times where fear is a thundering enemy, pressing in on all sides.
And, in my fear, I must also shepherd these little ones, whose security has also been rocked, doing my best to quiet our shaken hearts.
With the example of my courageous husband before me, the one who stared down far scarier things, I know I cannot be defeated by this smallest portion of his battle. I pray for strength. For God's own peace. For victory to pour down for me, and especially for my little girls.
"O LORD, how many are my foes! How many rise up against me! Many are saying of me, "God will not deliver him." But you are a shield around me, O LORD; you bestow glory on me and lift up my head. To the LORD I cry aloud, and he answers me from his holy hill. I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the LORD sustains me. I will not fear the tens of thousands drawn up against me on every side. Arise, O LORD! Deliver me, O my God! From the LORD comes deliverance. May your blessing be on your people." Psalm 3
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Three Months
Loved Ones,
It was three months ago today that Ray went to heaven.
In some ways it seems so very long ago. The routines of our life have continued, many new ones, swimming at the pool, watching Food Network's "Chopped," getting bagels after church. We think of Ray so often when we do the things we used to do, but it seems a long time since we did them together.
And of course, there are times when it seems like yesterday that all was well.
When the girls talk about their dad, daddy golfing, scratching their backs, singing their songs, it is among my happiest of times.
We thank you all for your continued prayers, love and aid.
"There is no one like the God of Israel, who rides on the heavens to help you and on the clouds in his majesty. The eternal God is your refuge,and underneath are the everlasting arms." Deuteronomy 33:26-27
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
It was three months ago today that Ray went to heaven.
In some ways it seems so very long ago. The routines of our life have continued, many new ones, swimming at the pool, watching Food Network's "Chopped," getting bagels after church. We think of Ray so often when we do the things we used to do, but it seems a long time since we did them together.
And of course, there are times when it seems like yesterday that all was well.
When the girls talk about their dad, daddy golfing, scratching their backs, singing their songs, it is among my happiest of times.
We thank you all for your continued prayers, love and aid.
"There is no one like the God of Israel, who rides on the heavens to help you and on the clouds in his majesty. The eternal God is your refuge,and underneath are the everlasting arms." Deuteronomy 33:26-27
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Home From Texas
Loved Ones,
We're home from Texas. We had a good trip. Our hearts were full of memories from our past trips to Austin.
One of the girls' highlights was returning to Sea World. While there we rode the log ride that Ray and Nora rode when we visited in May of 07. She has a pink key chain with their picture from the ride. Now we have matching ones, this one with Maggie and Mommy in attendance too. We miss Ray so much!
I was glad that we had a different Easter. Like so many things now, we have fun, but in a different way than we did before. The girls are the girls. They are still running around searching for eggs and stuffing their faces with candy! I adore those girls so much. And I miss so much smiling at those girls with Ray.
A friend sent me a verse that meant so much to me. I read and reflected on in on Easter night and it has stayed with me as I have made the difficult transition back to reality at home.
In addition to our many happy memories, I have sad ones that I reflect on also. Especially from that last month. While nothing can ever lift the sadness I feel from watching my precious husband suffer so greatly, this verse gave so much hope in suffering, and offered me so much comfort.
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
We're home from Texas. We had a good trip. Our hearts were full of memories from our past trips to Austin.
One of the girls' highlights was returning to Sea World. While there we rode the log ride that Ray and Nora rode when we visited in May of 07. She has a pink key chain with their picture from the ride. Now we have matching ones, this one with Maggie and Mommy in attendance too. We miss Ray so much!
I was glad that we had a different Easter. Like so many things now, we have fun, but in a different way than we did before. The girls are the girls. They are still running around searching for eggs and stuffing their faces with candy! I adore those girls so much. And I miss so much smiling at those girls with Ray.
A friend sent me a verse that meant so much to me. I read and reflected on in on Easter night and it has stayed with me as I have made the difficult transition back to reality at home.
In addition to our many happy memories, I have sad ones that I reflect on also. Especially from that last month. While nothing can ever lift the sadness I feel from watching my precious husband suffer so greatly, this verse gave so much hope in suffering, and offered me so much comfort.
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
Monday, April 6, 2009
Texas Redux
Loved Ones,
The girls and I are off to Texas today. As they were sick most of last week we cancelled our Spring Break trip but decided to go for Easter instead. Nora will miss a few days of kindergarten but I think that will be ok. We are excited to see all of our cousins and soak up some of the warm weather, especially since it snowed here last night.
This will be our first major holiday without Ray. He's been so much on my mind throughout this Lenten season for so many reasons. Ray's death calls to mind Christ's suffering in so many ways. His willingness to follow God's plan. His patient suffering. His continued presence with us.
And in other ways we think of him. Dying eggs together. Hiding our Easter eggs for the Easter egg hunt and calling out hints during the hunt from behind the video camara.
Last Easter was just before things changed in our lives. Ray had given up soda last Lent and just after he resumed drinkning it the burping that would bring the cancer diagnosis began. Still, even without a cloud in our sky, I felt the coming darkness last Easter. As we went to bed that night I told Ray that I could hardly go to sleep, knowing what could happen before the next Easter, wishing I could hold on to this day.
Our hearts and minds will be full of many thoughts as we celebrate this Easter. Above all, we are grateful for the great and shining hope of eternal life in heaven together with Ray!
"You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last." John 15:16
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
The girls and I are off to Texas today. As they were sick most of last week we cancelled our Spring Break trip but decided to go for Easter instead. Nora will miss a few days of kindergarten but I think that will be ok. We are excited to see all of our cousins and soak up some of the warm weather, especially since it snowed here last night.
This will be our first major holiday without Ray. He's been so much on my mind throughout this Lenten season for so many reasons. Ray's death calls to mind Christ's suffering in so many ways. His willingness to follow God's plan. His patient suffering. His continued presence with us.
And in other ways we think of him. Dying eggs together. Hiding our Easter eggs for the Easter egg hunt and calling out hints during the hunt from behind the video camara.
Last Easter was just before things changed in our lives. Ray had given up soda last Lent and just after he resumed drinkning it the burping that would bring the cancer diagnosis began. Still, even without a cloud in our sky, I felt the coming darkness last Easter. As we went to bed that night I told Ray that I could hardly go to sleep, knowing what could happen before the next Easter, wishing I could hold on to this day.
Our hearts and minds will be full of many thoughts as we celebrate this Easter. Above all, we are grateful for the great and shining hope of eternal life in heaven together with Ray!
"You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last." John 15:16
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Spring Break Part 2
Loved Ones,
It's good we're not in Texas. The flu has been strong and lasting. After Lucy came Maggie and she is still struggling. I am hopeful that tomorrow will be our first well day. That way I can stop trying to remember how to spell diarrhea!!
I've worked really hard on my gastric cancer research project -- working toward starting a national project to study gastrointestinal cancers in young people. It's the right time to work on it with so many helpful Congressional Members and staff. And, to save one person from these cancers would be a victory. I feel relieved to have something to do that could help.
However, I would sit at my computer and finish 100 Congressional research projects rather than sit still and think about how hard it is to be here alone with the kids this week.
It's a discipline really to be at home. We can't escape anywhere with sick kids, so it forces me to take care of the things on my list I'd rather ignore. Like dentist appointments. Like difficult decisions. And most importantly, like grief.
And so, when we finally go to Texas this coming Monday, I'll feel a little better. Like we've cleared the decks just a little bit and are leaving with things a little more in hand to enjoy ourselves.
This time now is different. I don't have the daily interaction with so many of you. We are more on our own. And yet, we feel God's quiet hand, strengthened by so many of your prayers, upon us still.
"He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul." Psalm 23:2-3
not alone and not afraid,
kristin
It's good we're not in Texas. The flu has been strong and lasting. After Lucy came Maggie and she is still struggling. I am hopeful that tomorrow will be our first well day. That way I can stop trying to remember how to spell diarrhea!!
I've worked really hard on my gastric cancer research project -- working toward starting a national project to study gastrointestinal cancers in young people. It's the right time to work on it with so many helpful Congressional Members and staff. And, to save one person from these cancers would be a victory. I feel relieved to have something to do that could help.
However, I would sit at my computer and finish 100 Congressional research projects rather than sit still and think about how hard it is to be here alone with the kids this week.
It's a discipline really to be at home. We can't escape anywhere with sick kids, so it forces me to take care of the things on my list I'd rather ignore. Like dentist appointments. Like difficult decisions. And most importantly, like grief.
And so, when we finally go to Texas this coming Monday, I'll feel a little better. Like we've cleared the decks just a little bit and are leaving with things a little more in hand to enjoy ourselves.
This time now is different. I don't have the daily interaction with so many of you. We are more on our own. And yet, we feel God's quiet hand, strengthened by so many of your prayers, upon us still.
"He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul." Psalm 23:2-3
not alone and not afraid,
kristin
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Spring Break
Loved Ones,
So we're not exactly in Texas. Lucy came down with raging stomach flu on Thursday and we had to postpone our trip. Our suitcases are still packed and sitting on the kitchen floor, but we're sort of in limbo with continued vomiting and diahrrea. All the kids are in front of the TV with gatorade and crackers. As Ray would always say, "The magic of Ariel..." I'm hoping Nora and Maggie are just having sympathy pains because if this really spreads to them we may not get to Texas by the time Spring Break is over! I am very proud of them though, they've been so patient in their disappointment.
So let's see, the good news is that it has given me more time to work on my gastric cancer research project -- hoping to get some federal dollars directed toward researching young people like Ray with an early incidence of GI cancer. Working on this makes me feel good but we have a long road ahead as federal dollars are somewhat scarce.
At this point I'm not sure how to pray except to pray for wisdom as to making decisions and spending my time. It's one of the many things I miss so much about Ray -- his sound guidance.
"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."
Zephaniah 3:17
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
So we're not exactly in Texas. Lucy came down with raging stomach flu on Thursday and we had to postpone our trip. Our suitcases are still packed and sitting on the kitchen floor, but we're sort of in limbo with continued vomiting and diahrrea. All the kids are in front of the TV with gatorade and crackers. As Ray would always say, "The magic of Ariel..." I'm hoping Nora and Maggie are just having sympathy pains because if this really spreads to them we may not get to Texas by the time Spring Break is over! I am very proud of them though, they've been so patient in their disappointment.
So let's see, the good news is that it has given me more time to work on my gastric cancer research project -- hoping to get some federal dollars directed toward researching young people like Ray with an early incidence of GI cancer. Working on this makes me feel good but we have a long road ahead as federal dollars are somewhat scarce.
At this point I'm not sure how to pray except to pray for wisdom as to making decisions and spending my time. It's one of the many things I miss so much about Ray -- his sound guidance.
"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."
Zephaniah 3:17
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
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