Five Years

Loved Ones,

Today is the five year anniversary of Ray's death.

I've been reflecting on Ray so much.  I am always amazed by Ray's attitude during his illness.  When Ray was diagnosed with cancer, with a few exceptions, he consistently had the worst possible case scenarios.  Yet he endured all that without complaint.  Not without sadness.  But without complaint.  I admire this so much -- such a testimony to his faith and spirit that he could bear this heavy load.

We gathered at mass Sunday with Ray's family and mine in Ray's honor.  Our reading talked about how it wasn't enough for Christ to be a servant.  He was to be a light for the nations.

I feel that way with Ray.  He was God's servant, but that wasn't enough.  His example, his light, his witness was to be a story for others.  A guiding light.  Something to look up to.

I feel that way about him.  Whenever I think to complain I think of him and I try desperately not to do it.   Not that Ray was super human!!  But he was good.  He was good like that even before he was sick and after watching him when he was sick, I just feel like to honor his memory, how can I complain?

I have already been given so much!  Five more years!  Five more years than Ray!  Each hour, each day, each week with my girls a blessing to me and something I wish he could have experienced.  I know he must savor this from heaven!  But here.  To hug these girls here.  To see these moments here.

I know so many of you are thinking of him because you're calling me or emailing me.

When the girls were leaving that last time, I asked Ray if he had anything else to say to them and he said, "Remember me."

Today and every day we remember you Ray.  We remember your light.  We remember your uncomplaining spirit.  We remember your unshakable faith.

In your honor -- we won't complain. We will live each day like everything could change tomorrow -- because of you - we know it can.

We will do our best to work our hardest for the things that have the most value.  Our faith.  Our family.  The causes and cases that strengthen others and pass on love, kindness and value.

And Ray.  We will do our best to rid the world of cancer.  To spare others from what you endured. Another young friend of ours was recently lost to cancer and his father made this observation at his funeral.  He contrasted the 58,000 Americans that were lost through Vietnam to the over 600,000 Americans we lose each year to cancer -- asking why we are not protesting in the streets.  Preach it Mr. Battle.  Over the years we have done a lot of advocacy for our fellow cancer patients and families.  Each year we hope that advocacy turns into actual progress for patients.  I will say this, we will not stop until it does.

And so.  A memory.  A rallying cry.  An example for the ages.

Ray, we miss you.  We remember you.  We will not stop.  And we will savor each day, loving the blessing of life, wishing you were here to savor with us.

not alone and not afraid -

kristin

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.  Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam  and the mountains quake with their surging.  There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells.  God is within her, she will not fall;  God will help her at break of day. Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;   he lifts his voice, the earth melts.  The Lord Almighty is with us;  the God of Jacob is our fortress.  Psalm 46:1-7

Happy Anniversary Ray

Loved Ones,

Today was supposed to be our first day back to school but the cold weather gave us a few more days of break.  The girls cheered!!!  When I was putting Lucy to bed last night I told her that today was our Anniversary.  She was so excited!!  When she woke up I was on a conference call but she ran into the room and said, "Happy Anniversary!"

I am so glad to remember this day even with Ray gone.  Through the years we've done different things to remember.  Ray and I always had chocolates and champagne!  The girls and I look at pictures or watch the video.  I am so glad to continue the celebration of our love and commitment.

Of course we wish so much that Ray was here to dance with us!  I am sorry that the girls will never get to see that side of him personally.  He was such a great dancer!

A friend posted a quote on Facebook a few days ago and I just wanted to cheer.  It was something so beautiful about how our life is for others - that contributing our very best effort for others is such an honorable way to live life.  That was RAY.  No complaining.  No worrying about his own happiness.  Doing his best at his job, at his life.  Living and loving others.

So in your honor Ray I was planning our lobby day and our hill briefing on stomach cancer today on this day. And I will be at School Board later tonight working hard!

You will always live on in us.

not alone and not afraid -

kristin

"For me to live is Christ..." Phillippians 1:21

Oh Holy Night

Loved Ones,

I know it's not Christmas but it's coming soon.  This weekend I am not sure if it is the cold air, the Starbucks red cups, or the Hallmark Channel's Countdown to Christmas Movies, but we turned on the Christmas music.

My favorite Christmas song I think of all time is "Oh Holy Night."

On my computer I have a copy of an instrumental version done by a New Orleans Jazz Group shortly after the Hurricane.  We saw in on TV and Ray found the version for me because I loved it.  I am techno-challenged and when Ray was sick another friend came and put that version on my computer.

I love it.  I think of Ray and I think of overcoming.

Another dear friend of mine lost her husband to cancer this summer.  We had reflected on that song last year.  I was caught by the "weary world rejoices..."  She by "A thrill of hope..."

Which are you this year?  As we enter the holiday season I'm not sure.

I am grateful for a God who holds our weariness in his hand and gives us reason to hope.

This Christmas season I pray for more hope than weariness.  I pray that like the City of New Orleans, we are able to overcome.

not alone and not afraid -

kristin

"A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices, for yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.  Fall on your knees.  Oh hear the angel voices.  Oh night divine.  Oh night when Christ was born."  Oh Holy Night
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I4YMxGUiwyY

Ray Birthday Part Two

Loved Ones,

Thanks for your emails and posts on this special day.

This morning I was listening to the Rent soundtrack's "Seasons of Love."  It was such a poignant song on this day, asking the question how do you measure the life of a man?

The song's answer, in seasons of love was running through my mind this whole day.

I watched that love play soccer this morning.

I ate lunch with that love this afternoon.

I rode bikes with that love this evening.

Nora, Maggie and Lucy, your legacies of love will carry you with them always.  When their eyes sparkle, when they give that easy grin, when they choose not to make a fuss over something small or large.

That legacy of un-measurable love will live in my heart always. In the hearts of your sisters.  In the hearts of your daughters.  In the hearts of your friends, of your family.

We miss you, we honor you, above all, we love and remember you on this day.

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

Happy Birthday Ray!

Loved Ones,

Today is Ray's 42nd Birthday.  We celebrated with Ray's family last night, going to a special mass and eating dinner at a restaurant together.

Five years ago we celebrated with Ray.  We did a surprise party that year he was sick, inviting all of his friends to celebrate with him.

It's hard to believe that January will mark five years without him.

When I am with his family, Ray is all around us.  No one is more like him than his family.  The lightness of spirit, the love and care, are the way Ray marked the world.  I always feel a special "home" when I am with them.

But the truth is that Ray continues to mark the world.

I was reflecting a few weeks ago on the path that our family has taken.  As I have said many times -- no one chooses this path, it is not what you expect for your life, it is not what Ray expected from his.

However, I am often reminded of the homily where our pastor said that the translation of "my yoke is easy and my burden is light" is not light but well fitting.  Well fitting.

Could it be that there are some people who live life in such a meaningful way that they can be remembered far after they are gone, continuing to mark our lives with their legacy??

Ray's nephew and Godson Patrick interned in Washington D.C. this summer in Ray's old office.  He walked in Ray's footsteps, working for his boss, with his colleagues.  While Patrick was there I was working on a letter about stomach cancer, asking the Illinois Congressional Delegation to sign on in support, in memory of Ray.

Five years is a long time, it's light years in politics and many of the old offices that actually worked with Ray are gone.  New Members, new staff.

But the memory of Ray is not gone.  As I know Patrick will attest, Ray's legacy is large.

Every single Member of the Illinois Delegation signed that letter.  Every one.  Every new office.  Every old office.  From every point in the political spectrum.

At the Ray Fitzgerald Lectureship last month, the room was filled.  Filled with students, teachers, the Taylor University President.  People who were listening to a message they would not have heard, if it had not been for Ray.  If it had not been for Ray's example of love, his example of faith.

Oh that Ray had the opportunity to live the life that we all dream of, where we grow old, where we have the chance to do all the things we hoped to do.

But Ray's life lives on.

The people he touched will not forget.

The legacy that he lived, the beauty of his life, it just doesn't end.

Oh I am so grateful to all that remember Ray on this day.  Those that help to carry his legacy.  Those that tell the story of his life and the story of his death.

Ray, your legacy is well fitting.

Happy Birthday.

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

"Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”  Matthew 11: 29-30

Thinking of Ray

Loved Ones,

Ray has been on our minds this week in many special ways.

On Tuesday we journeyed to Taylor University for the third annual Ray Fitzgerald Lectureship.  At the Lectureship, Dr. David Bjork spoke to the partnership of the Evangelical and Catholic Churches in making disciples of Christ.  It was a meaningful and inspiring evening.  Dr. Bjork, who knew Ray and I when we lived in D.C., was a fantastic speaker for the event.  We are very excited at the progress that was made in educating Taylor students and others about the Catholic Church and our mission of encouraging partnerships.

Just last night the girls and I went to the White Sox game in Ray's honor, a gift of the Family Lives on Foundation.  Last year we were connected with this neat group that helps families celebrate the birthday of their loved one, doing something special that they did together.  My girls were interviewed and they told about Nora's trip to the White Sox game with Ray, along with times that they watched the Incredibles together and ate Sour Patch Kids.

A week ago a package arrived for us with White Sox tickets, sour patch kids and an Incredibles ornament.

And so we set off to the White Sox game with Ray in our hearts.

I wondered what the night would hold?  Beyond our memories and thoughts, would we feel a connection to Ray in a special way?

We headed out from soccer with just enough time to make it to the game.  When we arrived, we went about the process of selecting our brats and popcorn and finding our seats.  Just as we sat down, the White Sox hit a homerun and fireworks went off.  I wasn't quite able to concentrate as the girls were still settling in, but the Sox immediately hit ANOTHER homerun and we all watched the beautiful fireworks.

After a bit of time, we got up to get some sweet treats and then returned to our seats.  Again, immediately as we sat down, the Sox hit a homerun, followed by fireworks.

I do not know the nature of angels and what they can do to keep us safe and assure us of their love and presence.

But I do know this.  If it was within his power, our White Sox loving angel would do everything he could to assure us of his loving presence and further, ensure that his girls continued to be White Sox fans, by setting off fireworks and being sure that his girls enjoyed their game, while thinking of him.

We got your message Ray!

not alone and not afraid,

kristin

"And I will make every effort to see that after my departure you will always be able to remember these things." 2 Peter 1:14-16

First Day of School

Loved Ones,

It's the end of an era today.  For much of the last 11 years I have had a child at my side.  The last few with Lucy who my friends called a little monkey I would swing up on my hip.

Today all my girls go to school all day.

I'm one of those moms that hates this day!  For all the moms at the bus stop who cheer, I am the one with tears.

Last night I cleaned and packed lunches and straightened and set out clothes and set alarms and when I finally dropped in bed I felt sadness.  I didn't want to take the next step!

It reminds me of when I took Nora to day care for the very first time.  I prepared and labeled all of her stuff and got through those first three days to decide that I hated it!  I hated leaving my child!  I did it long enough to be sure that I wanted to quit and then I embraced mommy-hood.

What a joy and a privilege to be a mom.  To be entrusted with those lives, those souls, those spirits.

My beautiful girls are growing up so quickly.  Of course they are ready!  The last days of the "Mommy/Lucy club" are over, and all three are so excited for their wonderful teachers -- happiness all around.

Still.  Like so many times in my life, I wish I could turn back the clock.  I am grateful for each day I enjoyed with each girl.  I am grateful for the chance to celebrate and navigate the challenges and the joys of each stage and each day.  I wouldn't trade it and I'll always cherish it.

I am very grateful for the fact that I planned for this day and as my kids took steps forward I did too!

But I will always miss them at my side.

Happy fall.  Happy back to school.

not alone and not afraid --

kristin