Loved Ones,
This time of year always has special significance for me. It was just around Memorial Day that Ray was diagnosed with cancer. I'll never forget -- we were at Nora's graduation from preschool and Ray was just back from some tests -- it was before the specter of cancer was even on our landscape, but I was worried. And he came back from the tests, and he looked fine!! And we went to the graduation. And when I watch the video from that day I hear his regular old voice. And then everything changed.
I'll go to Lucy's graduation from preschool this week. The same playground. A different world.
We've been SO busy this spring with soccer. SO busy! Four teams between the girls, our weekends sometimes have seven soccer games. It is insanely busy, we run from one to the next.
This weekend is the end of soccer for Lucy and Maggie, Nora has a few more weeks. I realized tonight as things slowed, how much being busy is easier for me.
It is the slow times, the times when we are sitting in the backyard eating and the girls begin to play, that I really miss Ray. What would it have been like to sit in the backyard together and watch the girls? There are so many things that we just never did. Or didn't do enough. I can hardly remember what it was like to have him as a companion on this journey. And I miss it.
I hope and pray for slow times this summer. YES. We will fill it up with swim team! And t-ball for Lucy! And everything else. But I also pray for slow times. And the strength and courage and peace to enjoy them even missing Ray.
"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you." John 14:27
not alone and not afraid -
kristin
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Advocating for Cancer Research
Loved Ones,
This week I went to Houston to advocate for gastric cancer research. It was a milestone, in so many ways.
When the girls were little I worked as a consultant and traveled frequently to D.C. to lobby in the health policy arena. Each trip was the subject of much anxiety though and when Ray died, I resolved that I wouldn't travel again without the girls.
It wasn't just that I don't like traveling. It was the fact that I was alone now and that traveling seemed to put the girls at risk of greater loss.
I don't like risk! Not for myself. Not for them. Much of my life, I control to try to avoid this, or any other risk!
And thus, my trip to Houston, with just me and Lucy, was a big step.
It wasn't that I thought there was no risk! How well I know that there is! As I thought it through the night before it was that, there was risk. But that there always is! That risk can fell us in our beds. No additional action required!
And thus, I resolved to take the risk. And trust that God would be there -- whatever the result. I find this trust difficult on a daily basis and that decision and mindset was a victory in itself.
The trip itself was uneventful, but the cancer meeting I attended was meaningful. This May will mark four years since Ray was diagnosed with cancer. How well I remembered that time as I walked the hallways of MD Anderson, the cancer center Ray and I visited for a second opinion on his prognosis and treatment.
And yet his doctor and I met on Wednesday not with sadness but with amazement. It seems the research to sequence the genome of diffuse gastric cancer is about to begin. This research we have advocated for during the last three years. This project which has met and overcome such hurdles, is about to begin.
I KNOW my husband is proud! I know that he is proud of how hard we worked! I know he is proud that this research can make a difference. I know he is proud of the constant and tireless advocacy we have directed to this project and the continued future for this research and the future for patients just like him who have so few options.
And I know he is proud of his wife who surmounted her fears, who trusted her God to keep her and the girls safe, so that she could fight on his behalf.
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
"I sought the Lord and he answered me; He delivered me from all my fears." Psalm 34:4
This week I went to Houston to advocate for gastric cancer research. It was a milestone, in so many ways.
When the girls were little I worked as a consultant and traveled frequently to D.C. to lobby in the health policy arena. Each trip was the subject of much anxiety though and when Ray died, I resolved that I wouldn't travel again without the girls.
It wasn't just that I don't like traveling. It was the fact that I was alone now and that traveling seemed to put the girls at risk of greater loss.
I don't like risk! Not for myself. Not for them. Much of my life, I control to try to avoid this, or any other risk!
And thus, my trip to Houston, with just me and Lucy, was a big step.
It wasn't that I thought there was no risk! How well I know that there is! As I thought it through the night before it was that, there was risk. But that there always is! That risk can fell us in our beds. No additional action required!
And thus, I resolved to take the risk. And trust that God would be there -- whatever the result. I find this trust difficult on a daily basis and that decision and mindset was a victory in itself.
The trip itself was uneventful, but the cancer meeting I attended was meaningful. This May will mark four years since Ray was diagnosed with cancer. How well I remembered that time as I walked the hallways of MD Anderson, the cancer center Ray and I visited for a second opinion on his prognosis and treatment.
And yet his doctor and I met on Wednesday not with sadness but with amazement. It seems the research to sequence the genome of diffuse gastric cancer is about to begin. This research we have advocated for during the last three years. This project which has met and overcome such hurdles, is about to begin.
I KNOW my husband is proud! I know that he is proud of how hard we worked! I know he is proud that this research can make a difference. I know he is proud of the constant and tireless advocacy we have directed to this project and the continued future for this research and the future for patients just like him who have so few options.
And I know he is proud of his wife who surmounted her fears, who trusted her God to keep her and the girls safe, so that she could fight on his behalf.
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
"I sought the Lord and he answered me; He delivered me from all my fears." Psalm 34:4
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Easter
Loved Ones,
Easter and Lent are huge at our house. When Ray was little he used to give up TV for Lent and for the last two Lents, the girls have decided to give up TV along with a slew of other things. They are cut from some cloth those kids! They are determined and they do not falter! TV, candy, red meat and several other banned things shall not touch their eyes and lips.
The truth is, that after watching Ray suffer and die, Easter just has more meaning.
I just cannot think of Christ without thinking of him. I just cannot think of taking up my own cross without thinking of that load he carried. So like Christ, he carried it so well.
It both inspires and terrifies me!
I am so grateful for Christ's victory. He made victory for Ray possible. Victory over death forever.
I was thinking back to right after Ray died and I felt that sense so greatly. Victory. Over death for him. Life again in heaven.
Oh I pray Christ's victory for each of us. That as we celebrate tomorrow - the joy of Easter from the desert of Lent - that we can claim Christ's victory. Over death. Over fear. Over all that divides us from him.
not alone and not afraid -
kristin
"On this mountain he will destroy the shroud that enfolds all peoples, the sheet that covers all nations; he will swallow up death forever. The Sovereign Lord will wipe away the tears from all faces; he will remove his people's disgrace from all the earth. The Lord has spoken. In that day they will say, "Surely this is our God; we trusted in him and he saved us. This is the Lord, we trusted in him; let us rejoice and be glad in his salvation." Isaiah 25:7-9
Easter and Lent are huge at our house. When Ray was little he used to give up TV for Lent and for the last two Lents, the girls have decided to give up TV along with a slew of other things. They are cut from some cloth those kids! They are determined and they do not falter! TV, candy, red meat and several other banned things shall not touch their eyes and lips.
The truth is, that after watching Ray suffer and die, Easter just has more meaning.
I just cannot think of Christ without thinking of him. I just cannot think of taking up my own cross without thinking of that load he carried. So like Christ, he carried it so well.
It both inspires and terrifies me!
I am so grateful for Christ's victory. He made victory for Ray possible. Victory over death forever.
I was thinking back to right after Ray died and I felt that sense so greatly. Victory. Over death for him. Life again in heaven.
Oh I pray Christ's victory for each of us. That as we celebrate tomorrow - the joy of Easter from the desert of Lent - that we can claim Christ's victory. Over death. Over fear. Over all that divides us from him.
not alone and not afraid -
kristin
"On this mountain he will destroy the shroud that enfolds all peoples, the sheet that covers all nations; he will swallow up death forever. The Sovereign Lord will wipe away the tears from all faces; he will remove his people's disgrace from all the earth. The Lord has spoken. In that day they will say, "Surely this is our God; we trusted in him and he saved us. This is the Lord, we trusted in him; let us rejoice and be glad in his salvation." Isaiah 25:7-9
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Lucy and Maggie's Birthdays
Loved Ones,
March is birthday month for two of the Fitzgerald Ladies. Today was Lucy's Birthday Party. She turns five tomorrow.
I was puttering around the house getting ready for the party and I just missed Ray. I remembered how for Nora's birthday parties I always gave him the job of the music when we played hot potato. He would download all the princess songs to his i-pod and he loved being the master of the music. I hate it so much that he wasn't doing the music for "Pass the Poison Apple" at Lucy's Princess and Knights party today. I know he would have loved it so much! He loved their parties!
These are the hard things to do without Ray! I get so used to the everyday. But the momentous occasions just aren't the same!!
I was at the grocery store the other day and "I'm Already There" by Lonestar was playing. It really made me think of Ray. And when I look at this picture of Lucy at her party, I see that sun in her hair and I think
I'm already there
Take a look around
I'm the sunshine in your hair
I'm the shadow on the ground
I'm the whisper in the wind
I'm your imaginary friend
And I know I'm in your prayers
Oh I'm already there
Oh Ray, I hope you were already there today.
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
"And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." Matthew 28:20
Friday, February 3, 2012
Oh the Joy
Loved Ones,
We've had contagious illness after contagious illness, rounds of antibiotics and other medicines, strep, coughs, colds, strep, strep. We keep catching things over again and so I am constantly disinfecting. So in addition to doctors and medicines, sleepless nights and humidifiers, I am buried in a mountain of laundry and an avalanche of cleaning.
Almost anyone who has ever met me or been in my house will vouch for me that these are not my strong suits. A speech to write, a game to coach, a class to teach, a meal to cook, ANYTHING but cleaning and laundry.
I am a slave to the washing machine, changing out each bed each night, washing every item of clothing over and over.
And here's what I have to say:
Oh the joy to be a slave!
I wish you could hear me say it to know that I am 1000 percent serious. Oh the joy to only have to worry about tedious tasks. I will take this mountain and this avalanche over any I have already climbed.
I am so grateful for the laundry and the cleaning and the packing of lunches and the driving.
Oh to have the only tiredness I face be that from climbing the stairs over and over, the worry over only the amount of hot water I've used.
I know how blessed I am to face only this. To have food on the table and clothes to wash and fold. To have an illness that can be cured by a round of antibiotics.
Having been to that other mountain, it is a constant struggle for me to not fear it's return. And thus I am grateful for strep. I am grateful for laundry. I am grateful to have the opportunity to be the handmaid for my beautiful and precious girls.
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Phillipians 4:6-7
We've had contagious illness after contagious illness, rounds of antibiotics and other medicines, strep, coughs, colds, strep, strep. We keep catching things over again and so I am constantly disinfecting. So in addition to doctors and medicines, sleepless nights and humidifiers, I am buried in a mountain of laundry and an avalanche of cleaning.
Almost anyone who has ever met me or been in my house will vouch for me that these are not my strong suits. A speech to write, a game to coach, a class to teach, a meal to cook, ANYTHING but cleaning and laundry.
I am a slave to the washing machine, changing out each bed each night, washing every item of clothing over and over.
And here's what I have to say:
Oh the joy to be a slave!
I wish you could hear me say it to know that I am 1000 percent serious. Oh the joy to only have to worry about tedious tasks. I will take this mountain and this avalanche over any I have already climbed.
I am so grateful for the laundry and the cleaning and the packing of lunches and the driving.
Oh to have the only tiredness I face be that from climbing the stairs over and over, the worry over only the amount of hot water I've used.
I know how blessed I am to face only this. To have food on the table and clothes to wash and fold. To have an illness that can be cured by a round of antibiotics.
Having been to that other mountain, it is a constant struggle for me to not fear it's return. And thus I am grateful for strep. I am grateful for laundry. I am grateful to have the opportunity to be the handmaid for my beautiful and precious girls.
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Phillipians 4:6-7
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
3 Years
Loved Ones,
Saturday will be the third anniversary of Ray's death. We will spend the day with family, honoring Ray with Masses in his memory and thinking of him.
It's hard to believe that it has been three years since he died. For Lucy and Maggie, it's been more time without him than with him.
But his memory is large. Even though he is not here, he is a constant presence in our family. The girls pray each night for Mommy and Daddy, not distinguishing between presence here or in heaven.
They know who smiles like him, who likes milk like him, that he would be glad that we were singing silly songs, that he would be embarassed that we made a fuss. They know him.
After Ray died a friend wrote me a letter and said that after some time the grief would subside and I would feel the wound of his loss less, and simply be grateful for the time that he was here. I think that's true. Though I'll always wish he was with us, though I still miss him terribly, I am truly grateful just for the fact that he was here at all. That he marked my life. That he gave me the girls.
And I know that's true for many of you.
How grateful I am for the mark he made on the world. On our friends. On our families.
Ray. We are thinking of you so much on this anniversary and always.
Love always,
kristin
"Give thanks to the Lord for he is good, his love endures forever." Psalm 136:1
Saturday will be the third anniversary of Ray's death. We will spend the day with family, honoring Ray with Masses in his memory and thinking of him.
It's hard to believe that it has been three years since he died. For Lucy and Maggie, it's been more time without him than with him.
But his memory is large. Even though he is not here, he is a constant presence in our family. The girls pray each night for Mommy and Daddy, not distinguishing between presence here or in heaven.
They know who smiles like him, who likes milk like him, that he would be glad that we were singing silly songs, that he would be embarassed that we made a fuss. They know him.
After Ray died a friend wrote me a letter and said that after some time the grief would subside and I would feel the wound of his loss less, and simply be grateful for the time that he was here. I think that's true. Though I'll always wish he was with us, though I still miss him terribly, I am truly grateful just for the fact that he was here at all. That he marked my life. That he gave me the girls.
And I know that's true for many of you.
How grateful I am for the mark he made on the world. On our friends. On our families.
Ray. We are thinking of you so much on this anniversary and always.
Love always,
kristin
"Give thanks to the Lord for he is good, his love endures forever." Psalm 136:1
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Happy New Year 2012
Loved Ones,
We had a wonderful time at Disney. We sure remembered our time there with Ray four years ago, and we made very special new memories together.
We thank you for your love and friendship in 2011 and we look forward to 2012 -- we pray for a year filled with faith, hope, joy and love.
Tomorrow would have been our 11th anniversary. How grateful I am for Ray. His mark will always be on me and on our girls. He gave us each other, and because of this, our lives will always be full of joy.
Tomorrow would have been our 11th anniversary. How grateful I am for Ray. His mark will always be on me and on our girls. He gave us each other, and because of this, our lives will always be full of joy.
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
My Uncle Sam read these verses at our wedding; how well they capture to me our task in walking this life on earth.
"Hear O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your forehead. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates." Deuteronomy 6:4-9
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