Loved Ones,
Though hard to believe, it was six months today since Ray went to heaven.
I find myself so surprised by this milestone. Six months seems like such a long time. It doesn't seem possible that we have been missing Ray in our daily lives for such a long time.
Perhaps in recognition of this, Ray was so present today. I dreamed last night that he was here. It was so wonderful and puzzling, and I told him that he couldn't go on any more trips.
In reading my emails, in hearing a joke, I know my husband would be amused. Oh how I wish that I could share them with him.
I am thankful for every dream, every memory, every thought that ties us to him.
"I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness, and you will acknowledge the LORD." Hosea 2:19-20
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
Remembering Ray
Loved Ones,
We are adjusting to being back at home. We spent all day Friday cleaning and Saturday weeding, catching up on the tasks that we escaped at the beach.
The house and yard are accordingly organized. And this is comforting.
Today we had time for a little fun and we went fishing with neighbors. Nora caught twelve fish! Maggie caught a lot also and Lucy had lots of snacks. It was good to be with our neighbors and we've been glad to reconnect with our friends here.
While we were away a friend from chemo passed away. A bright and lovely light, snuffed out far too quickly by cancer. His passing and the grief of his wife and children have been on our hearts and minds, reminding us of our grief and filling us with empathy for our friends.
We found out while we were in DC that the language I worked on, requesting the National Cancer Institute to study GI cancer in patients under 40, will be included in the House and Senate Appropriations bills. We are so glad that research attention will be paid to this dreadful disease.
When Ray was sick, I had no doubts about the tasks and work that God had for me. Helping Ray and the girls and expressing the words God put in my heart were the things that I knew I had to do -- the burdens on my heart and mind.
Our favorite golfer Phil Mickelson is also fighting cancer; his wife began treatment for breast cancer July 1. Reading his blog I recall so dearly our fight against cancer. "We begin treatment..." The words are so familiar. I remember writing that "we" and sometimes correcting it. Our fight. But one that left us both in such different spots.
With Ray gone, God's plan for me in all of this is harder to find -- fighting cancer, helping others, living faithfully, telling our story, healing with the girls -- all these are important tasks -- ones to balance and weigh.
I would never summon back the tenor and veracity of the fight we fought. But I pray for that clarity of God's mission upon me -- it's very strength gives continued meaning to Ray's death.
"On this mountain he will destroy the shroud that enfolds all peoples, the sheet that covers all nations; he will swallow up death forever. The Sovereign LORD will wipe away the tears from all faces; he will remove the disgrace of his people from all the earth. The LORD has spoken. In that day they will say, "Surely this is our God; we trusted in him, and he saved us. This is the LORD, we trusted in him; let us rejoice and be glad in his salvation." Isaiah 25:7-9
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
We are adjusting to being back at home. We spent all day Friday cleaning and Saturday weeding, catching up on the tasks that we escaped at the beach.
The house and yard are accordingly organized. And this is comforting.
Today we had time for a little fun and we went fishing with neighbors. Nora caught twelve fish! Maggie caught a lot also and Lucy had lots of snacks. It was good to be with our neighbors and we've been glad to reconnect with our friends here.
While we were away a friend from chemo passed away. A bright and lovely light, snuffed out far too quickly by cancer. His passing and the grief of his wife and children have been on our hearts and minds, reminding us of our grief and filling us with empathy for our friends.
We found out while we were in DC that the language I worked on, requesting the National Cancer Institute to study GI cancer in patients under 40, will be included in the House and Senate Appropriations bills. We are so glad that research attention will be paid to this dreadful disease.
When Ray was sick, I had no doubts about the tasks and work that God had for me. Helping Ray and the girls and expressing the words God put in my heart were the things that I knew I had to do -- the burdens on my heart and mind.
Our favorite golfer Phil Mickelson is also fighting cancer; his wife began treatment for breast cancer July 1. Reading his blog I recall so dearly our fight against cancer. "We begin treatment..." The words are so familiar. I remember writing that "we" and sometimes correcting it. Our fight. But one that left us both in such different spots.
With Ray gone, God's plan for me in all of this is harder to find -- fighting cancer, helping others, living faithfully, telling our story, healing with the girls -- all these are important tasks -- ones to balance and weigh.
I would never summon back the tenor and veracity of the fight we fought. But I pray for that clarity of God's mission upon me -- it's very strength gives continued meaning to Ray's death.
"On this mountain he will destroy the shroud that enfolds all peoples, the sheet that covers all nations; he will swallow up death forever. The Sovereign LORD will wipe away the tears from all faces; he will remove the disgrace of his people from all the earth. The LORD has spoken. In that day they will say, "Surely this is our God; we trusted in him, and he saved us. This is the LORD, we trusted in him; let us rejoice and be glad in his salvation." Isaiah 25:7-9
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Vacation
Loved Ones,We are finally back at home after our vacation.
The weeks in Rehoboth were wonderful. A true rest for us. We spent most days at the beach; I always had the drag the girls home at 5 or 6 pm. They are true beach lovers like their mom.
We were able to attend our family reunion in Pennsylvania and had a good week seeing friends in DC. Nowhere do I have memories of Ray like DC; every street, each neighborhood is a pearl of our past.
The vacation culminated with a softball tournament in DC in honor of Ray. We were so glad to be able to attend and be with our friends who loved Ray. It was a special day.
God's provision for us was manifest in many ways: my saintly cousin who flew out to DC to drive home with us, our car battery which died completely Monday morning after we returned home but made it through our long drive home!
Oh how we wished to return home to find our husband and dad!
But we are glad to be back home with our family who reminds us of him.
"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
A Happy Birthday
Loved Ones,
Thank you for your prayers, cards, emails and thoughtfulness this birthday. The girls and I had a lovely day.
There are some days where the winds are light and the waters are calm and the sun shines so brightly --the weather a perfect parallel for our hearts. Today was one of those days. I wondered if it was Ray's birthday present for me.
I've wondered, on the stormy days like Father's Day, just why they have to occur. Why death, why pain, why grief, fear and sadness? I don't know the answer to that. But I know that those hard hard times deepen our appreciation of the peaceful times so much more completely. Even the peaceful minutes! The simple beauty of observing undetected the joyful moments of our children.
This trip has held countless beautiful moments like that. Yesterday was filled with them.I know that this is an answer to many prayers.
“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace. What does the worker gain from his toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on men. He has made everything beautiful in its time.” Ecclesiastes 3:1-11
not alone and not afraid,
kristin
Thank you for your prayers, cards, emails and thoughtfulness this birthday. The girls and I had a lovely day.
There are some days where the winds are light and the waters are calm and the sun shines so brightly --the weather a perfect parallel for our hearts. Today was one of those days. I wondered if it was Ray's birthday present for me.
I've wondered, on the stormy days like Father's Day, just why they have to occur. Why death, why pain, why grief, fear and sadness? I don't know the answer to that. But I know that those hard hard times deepen our appreciation of the peaceful times so much more completely. Even the peaceful minutes! The simple beauty of observing undetected the joyful moments of our children.
This trip has held countless beautiful moments like that. Yesterday was filled with them.I know that this is an answer to many prayers.
“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace. What does the worker gain from his toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on men. He has made everything beautiful in its time.” Ecclesiastes 3:1-11
not alone and not afraid,
kristin
Friday, June 19, 2009
Vacation
Loved ones,
We are here in Rehoboth Beach.The drive was long, but the girls were great.
This spot is filled with memories. Ray and I were here many times in our early life together and it was our very first family vacation with Nora.
I am having fun pointing out special spots to the girls.
We made an early visit to DC on Wednesday for the Congressional Baseball game where Ray's old boss, Congressman John Shimkus, honored him by wearing a White Sox jersey with the name Fitzgerald and the number 37. It was a very special night for all of us, and thrilling too that Ray's sisters who joined us for a few days at the beach, were also able to attend.
Now we are back at the beach where the quieter life provides special family time and room for reflection. We are glad for this respite.
We will be thinking of Ray especially this Father's Day.
“I will not forget you. Behold, I have inscribed you on the palms of my hands.” Isaiah 49:15-16
We are here in Rehoboth Beach.The drive was long, but the girls were great.
This spot is filled with memories. Ray and I were here many times in our early life together and it was our very first family vacation with Nora.
I am having fun pointing out special spots to the girls.
We made an early visit to DC on Wednesday for the Congressional Baseball game where Ray's old boss, Congressman John Shimkus, honored him by wearing a White Sox jersey with the name Fitzgerald and the number 37. It was a very special night for all of us, and thrilling too that Ray's sisters who joined us for a few days at the beach, were also able to attend.
Now we are back at the beach where the quieter life provides special family time and room for reflection. We are glad for this respite.
We will be thinking of Ray especially this Father's Day.
“I will not forget you. Behold, I have inscribed you on the palms of my hands.” Isaiah 49:15-16
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
Friday, June 12, 2009
Family Vacation
Loved Ones,
Tomorrow the girls and I are off to the East Coast for some time at the beach and at various locales with family and friends.
We are looking forward to the time together, although not so much the some 44 hours in the car!
We'll be in DC at a few key points for some Congressional events honoring Ray which bookend our vacation time.
A friend watched the girls today while I packed up the car.
During our day to day life, we have come to expect Ray's absence and thus are rarely suprised, for example, by his car parked in the driveway. It is most often the evenings and weekends -- times he would have been home -- that we miss him. And, we are even becoming more accustomed to those times.
However, because a vacation is not day to day life, I was reminded of Ray throughout today. As I did the jobs he usually did to prepare, and as I thought of our vacation, even our drive, without him there. I remember when both Ray and I were working, there was nothing so delicious as stepping away from it all, together. Because a family vacation is by definition, family time, it emphasizes, even more than our daily life, that our family has changed.
Today I was reminded of how much I miss our old family!
I've hoped so much that this vacation will strengthen the tenacity of our smaller family unit, bringing all of us joy, even and especially in our new world.
I pray for the strength to lead us on that path, for safety and patience on the road, and for time and tenderness with our family and our friends.
"I am laid low in the dust; preserve my life according to your word.
I recounted my ways and you answered me; teach me your decrees.
Let me understand the teaching of your precepts; then I will meditate on your wonders.
My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word.
I have chosen the way of truth; I have set my heart on your laws.
I run in the path of your commands, for you have set my heart free." Psalm 119:25-28,30,32
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
Tomorrow the girls and I are off to the East Coast for some time at the beach and at various locales with family and friends.
We are looking forward to the time together, although not so much the some 44 hours in the car!
We'll be in DC at a few key points for some Congressional events honoring Ray which bookend our vacation time.
A friend watched the girls today while I packed up the car.
During our day to day life, we have come to expect Ray's absence and thus are rarely suprised, for example, by his car parked in the driveway. It is most often the evenings and weekends -- times he would have been home -- that we miss him. And, we are even becoming more accustomed to those times.
However, because a vacation is not day to day life, I was reminded of Ray throughout today. As I did the jobs he usually did to prepare, and as I thought of our vacation, even our drive, without him there. I remember when both Ray and I were working, there was nothing so delicious as stepping away from it all, together. Because a family vacation is by definition, family time, it emphasizes, even more than our daily life, that our family has changed.
Today I was reminded of how much I miss our old family!
I've hoped so much that this vacation will strengthen the tenacity of our smaller family unit, bringing all of us joy, even and especially in our new world.
I pray for the strength to lead us on that path, for safety and patience on the road, and for time and tenderness with our family and our friends.
"I am laid low in the dust; preserve my life according to your word.
I recounted my ways and you answered me; teach me your decrees.
Let me understand the teaching of your precepts; then I will meditate on your wonders.
My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word.
I have chosen the way of truth; I have set my heart on your laws.
I run in the path of your commands, for you have set my heart free." Psalm 119:25-28,30,32
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Remembering Their Dad
Loved Ones,
Ray has been so present for the girls the past few days. All three of them have talked about memories with their dad.
A few nights ago we were watching Animal Planet and a preview for a show came on. Nora told us that she used to watch that show with Daddy. Similarly, Maggie mentioned the way he used to scratch her back. Not to be forgotten, as we left Costco today, the checker drew a smiley face for Lucy on our receipt. She said it was a picture of her dad.
There is such poignance in all of this for me. When Ray was feeling a little better last summer, I would send the girls in with him while I put Lucy to bed. They usually watched TV and once I asked if they wanted to read books. Ray told me that he hoped they would remember watching Animal Planet with him.
They remember Ray!!
Along with the many things I want to tell him about their progress in school, soccer and ballet; their efforts to help clean up the house; all their growing beauty; I just wish I could tell Ray that he was right! That this memory will stand out for them.
Lucy told me today that Daddy had a Doctor with him in heaven. I told her, no, Daddy is well. She then told me that Jesus and God were with him in heaven.
I am thankful for all the things Ray taught them, for every special memory and for each reflection of him in the girls.
"Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates." Deuteronomy 5:4-9
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
Ray has been so present for the girls the past few days. All three of them have talked about memories with their dad.
A few nights ago we were watching Animal Planet and a preview for a show came on. Nora told us that she used to watch that show with Daddy. Similarly, Maggie mentioned the way he used to scratch her back. Not to be forgotten, as we left Costco today, the checker drew a smiley face for Lucy on our receipt. She said it was a picture of her dad.
There is such poignance in all of this for me. When Ray was feeling a little better last summer, I would send the girls in with him while I put Lucy to bed. They usually watched TV and once I asked if they wanted to read books. Ray told me that he hoped they would remember watching Animal Planet with him.
They remember Ray!!
Along with the many things I want to tell him about their progress in school, soccer and ballet; their efforts to help clean up the house; all their growing beauty; I just wish I could tell Ray that he was right! That this memory will stand out for them.
Lucy told me today that Daddy had a Doctor with him in heaven. I told her, no, Daddy is well. She then told me that Jesus and God were with him in heaven.
I am thankful for all the things Ray taught them, for every special memory and for each reflection of him in the girls.
"Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates." Deuteronomy 5:4-9
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
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