Loved Ones,
They say that sickness and death reveal the real core of a person. I think that is probably true and if it is, the core of my husband was faith in God; kindness, thoughtfulness and love for others; graciousness in suffering; and of course, love of the White Sox.
I thought back today to a moment in the hospital that first time. When we got there and he had the first round of chemo, Ray was just so so sick. It was hard to imagine but in the week since his diagnosis the cancer had just weakened him so greatly, he wasn't himself at all. He started that first round of chemo really late at night and it knocked him out for a few days.
So we were getting closer to leaving and they'd prescribed a ton of different medications for Ray which I was attempting to fill at the hospital pharmacy. This took many trips back and forth for various reasons and when I was heading back downstairs once again, Ray looked at me and winked.
It was like my heart stopped. My husband! He was back!
Because of all things, Ray was an exceptional husband. Encouraging me in my small task of filling the prescriptions. While he fought cancer.
That was Ray.
Of all the things I miss, I really miss being Ray's wife.
"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her." Ephesians 5:25
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Remembering June 3
Loved Ones,
It was June 3rd that we first heard Ray's prognosis. We met with Ray's doctor at Northwestern and she said, "So, what have they told you?" We were so uneducated about cancer that we truly did not know what to expect. But she went on to tell us that Ray's cancer was incurable. And that chemo would help, but not forever, and then Ray would die.
It was the worst possible thing that we could have heard.
We fought it, asking her questions about liver transplants and clinical trials. But her response was certain, and even clinical trials didn't offer curative treatment.
After she left I said to Ray that this did not change anything. That our hopes, that our confidence that it is God alone who can heal, were unchanged. And so we began the journey of knowing that the worst could happen and praying the God would heal Ray.
This year June 3rd is significant for another reason. It is Nora's last day of school. Kindergarten, that she started with her dad and will finish with him in heaven.
I know that for Nora, Ray is still here in many ways. She never draws our family without him. Her latest creations have him in shorts with 4th of July fireworks in the sky. And we know that Ray is with us in our hearts.
How we wish that his healing had been here on earth! That he would be with us tomorrow when Nora comes off the bus from that last day of school -- just like he was when we sent her off on that first day!
I close with the verse from June 3rd last year. It gives me strength, just knowing that we clung to it last year, and that it still gives us power today in everything we face.
“For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds.” 2 Corinthians 10:3-4
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
It was June 3rd that we first heard Ray's prognosis. We met with Ray's doctor at Northwestern and she said, "So, what have they told you?" We were so uneducated about cancer that we truly did not know what to expect. But she went on to tell us that Ray's cancer was incurable. And that chemo would help, but not forever, and then Ray would die.
It was the worst possible thing that we could have heard.
We fought it, asking her questions about liver transplants and clinical trials. But her response was certain, and even clinical trials didn't offer curative treatment.
After she left I said to Ray that this did not change anything. That our hopes, that our confidence that it is God alone who can heal, were unchanged. And so we began the journey of knowing that the worst could happen and praying the God would heal Ray.
This year June 3rd is significant for another reason. It is Nora's last day of school. Kindergarten, that she started with her dad and will finish with him in heaven.
I know that for Nora, Ray is still here in many ways. She never draws our family without him. Her latest creations have him in shorts with 4th of July fireworks in the sky. And we know that Ray is with us in our hearts.
How we wish that his healing had been here on earth! That he would be with us tomorrow when Nora comes off the bus from that last day of school -- just like he was when we sent her off on that first day!
I close with the verse from June 3rd last year. It gives me strength, just knowing that we clung to it last year, and that it still gives us power today in everything we face.
“For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds.” 2 Corinthians 10:3-4
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Their Dad Would Be So Proud
Loved Ones,
So many times I think to myself how proud Ray would be of our girls. This weekend it was especially so.
The girls ran in "tot trots" and both ran so fast. Nora had her last outdoor soccer game. They were so quiet in church.
I know Ray would have particularly been proud of Nora for a time this weekend that she observed a friend who felt left out and without prompting, went quickly to her aid.
I tell the girls these things as often as I can. As often as it comes to my mind. I know this will teach them more about their dad. The things that he especially cherished. Like kindness.
They've been praying so faithfully for the wife of one of Ray's favorite golfers who was just diagnosed with cancer. They mention her often, and never forget her at night.
This helps me understand God's will for them. The riches of compassion and understanding that they have already from their own experience. The experience from which I prayed they would be spared, but one which will bear fruits in their life that will impact many others.
"Praise the LORD, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name. Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits - who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion." Psalm 103:1-4
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
So many times I think to myself how proud Ray would be of our girls. This weekend it was especially so.
The girls ran in "tot trots" and both ran so fast. Nora had her last outdoor soccer game. They were so quiet in church.
I know Ray would have particularly been proud of Nora for a time this weekend that she observed a friend who felt left out and without prompting, went quickly to her aid.
I tell the girls these things as often as I can. As often as it comes to my mind. I know this will teach them more about their dad. The things that he especially cherished. Like kindness.
They've been praying so faithfully for the wife of one of Ray's favorite golfers who was just diagnosed with cancer. They mention her often, and never forget her at night.
This helps me understand God's will for them. The riches of compassion and understanding that they have already from their own experience. The experience from which I prayed they would be spared, but one which will bear fruits in their life that will impact many others.
"Praise the LORD, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name. Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits - who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion." Psalm 103:1-4
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Our Day
Loved Ones,
In honor of Ray, his mom and sisters and I (and my little Maggie) went to church today for a mass.
The mass included this prayer:
Glorious St. Paul,
Most zealous Apostle,
Martyr for the love of Christ,
Give us a deep faith,
A steadfast hope,
A burning love for our Lord
So that we can proclaim with you
"It is no longer I who live,
But Christ who lives in me."
How truly appropriate a prayer for Ray. One who died to himself, but LIVES ON in Christ.
I am so thankful for his example.
Daily I fail at this endeavor, but I do believe that the answer to fears of cancer, fears of death, fears of loss, is not to say that this will not occur. But rather, to know that it can, and to cling to our hope in Christ. Our hope that Christ has overcome the world.
My husband overcame the world and cancer.
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
In honor of Ray, his mom and sisters and I (and my little Maggie) went to church today for a mass.
The mass included this prayer:
Glorious St. Paul,
Most zealous Apostle,
Martyr for the love of Christ,
Give us a deep faith,
A steadfast hope,
A burning love for our Lord
So that we can proclaim with you
"It is no longer I who live,
But Christ who lives in me."
How truly appropriate a prayer for Ray. One who died to himself, but LIVES ON in Christ.
I am so thankful for his example.
Daily I fail at this endeavor, but I do believe that the answer to fears of cancer, fears of death, fears of loss, is not to say that this will not occur. But rather, to know that it can, and to cling to our hope in Christ. Our hope that Christ has overcome the world.
My husband overcame the world and cancer.
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Loved Ones,The Tuesday after Memorial Day, May 27th, was the day it all changed for us. Ray stayed home from work and the doctor called to say he wanted to go over Ray's tests.
The girls and Ray planted flowers and I tried not to think about my fears.
When they told us about the cancer in Ray's liver we were so unaware of cancer that we just didn't know what that even meant. I heard my ears ringing as I realized that I had just heard the words I feared. Ray simply said, God will not give us more than we can handle.
We reached out with hope to friends to help us navigate. And others to pray. We started collecting survivor stories and miracles. We prayed that God, who is bigger than cancer, would beat this thing.
We knew our world had changed. We didn't know how much.
I thought of Ray so often today. Thinking of that day. Thinking of him in heaven.
We are so grateful for your prayers today and always.
"For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." Ephesians 3:14-19
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Memorial Day Weekend
Loved Ones,
With the memory of Ray's diagnosis the day after Memorial Day last year, I've dreaded this weekend. I so appreciate the many of you who appear to have conspired to keep us busy this weekend. That helps a lot.
The girls have prayed so much of late about cancer. Sparing us and others from cancer. Helping scientists to find a cure for cancer. Helping us not to die if we get cancer. We cannot know what the future holds! We are working on praying that God will always be near.
I find that the future feels so very tenuous. Knowing that it changes so quickly, I wonder that we will even experience it.
And, always on my mind is the fact that my dear husband did not get to do so. As we travel to my niece's softball game, as we plan cookouts on the Southside, the many things I seek out, things that he would have loved, because they make him seem so close, then I particularly feel the sadness that he cannot be with us. He would have loved to do all this. And he didn't get to!
And I go back to our prayers. That in the inexplicable, God will be near. That his love for us, will be as present as the love we've lost.
"Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus... let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith... Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful." Hebrews 10:19, 22, 23
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
With the memory of Ray's diagnosis the day after Memorial Day last year, I've dreaded this weekend. I so appreciate the many of you who appear to have conspired to keep us busy this weekend. That helps a lot.
The girls have prayed so much of late about cancer. Sparing us and others from cancer. Helping scientists to find a cure for cancer. Helping us not to die if we get cancer. We cannot know what the future holds! We are working on praying that God will always be near.
I find that the future feels so very tenuous. Knowing that it changes so quickly, I wonder that we will even experience it.
And, always on my mind is the fact that my dear husband did not get to do so. As we travel to my niece's softball game, as we plan cookouts on the Southside, the many things I seek out, things that he would have loved, because they make him seem so close, then I particularly feel the sadness that he cannot be with us. He would have loved to do all this. And he didn't get to!
And I go back to our prayers. That in the inexplicable, God will be near. That his love for us, will be as present as the love we've lost.
"Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus... let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith... Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful." Hebrews 10:19, 22, 23
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Memories
Loved Ones,
Today marks the entrance to our cancer memories. It was this day, one year ago, that Ray came home so very white and tired from his trip to DC. Remarkably for me, it was only then that I put "burping" into google and came up with cancer. And so, from this day forward, what would actually become reality, was in my sights.
The next few weeks hold so many turning point memories. Ray's diagnosis. Ray's prognosis. The days that changed us all forever.
I do not want or like to look back on those memories, I will be glad to get into the summer where we have other better memories from the year before. However, in looking back, I am still so very grateful for your prayers. That carried us through those days. That strengthened our very cores. And, that help to carry us still, one year later.
Nora asked me tonight how many days of kindergarten Daddy was alive. And so we counted it out. And there were more days with Daddy here on earth than there were with him in heaven. Even this is a blessing, the proximity to the days that Ray was here.
We are grateful for your continued support, the friends who listen and listen, the cards and emails, the thoughts and prayers.
We are ever so grateful to our Saviour, always with us.
"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength." Isaiah 40:28-31
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
Today marks the entrance to our cancer memories. It was this day, one year ago, that Ray came home so very white and tired from his trip to DC. Remarkably for me, it was only then that I put "burping" into google and came up with cancer. And so, from this day forward, what would actually become reality, was in my sights.
The next few weeks hold so many turning point memories. Ray's diagnosis. Ray's prognosis. The days that changed us all forever.
I do not want or like to look back on those memories, I will be glad to get into the summer where we have other better memories from the year before. However, in looking back, I am still so very grateful for your prayers. That carried us through those days. That strengthened our very cores. And, that help to carry us still, one year later.
Nora asked me tonight how many days of kindergarten Daddy was alive. And so we counted it out. And there were more days with Daddy here on earth than there were with him in heaven. Even this is a blessing, the proximity to the days that Ray was here.
We are grateful for your continued support, the friends who listen and listen, the cards and emails, the thoughts and prayers.
We are ever so grateful to our Saviour, always with us.
"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength." Isaiah 40:28-31
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
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