Loved Ones,
Today marks the entrance to our cancer memories. It was this day, one year ago, that Ray came home so very white and tired from his trip to DC. Remarkably for me, it was only then that I put "burping" into google and came up with cancer. And so, from this day forward, what would actually become reality, was in my sights.
The next few weeks hold so many turning point memories. Ray's diagnosis. Ray's prognosis. The days that changed us all forever.
I do not want or like to look back on those memories, I will be glad to get into the summer where we have other better memories from the year before. However, in looking back, I am still so very grateful for your prayers. That carried us through those days. That strengthened our very cores. And, that help to carry us still, one year later.
Nora asked me tonight how many days of kindergarten Daddy was alive. And so we counted it out. And there were more days with Daddy here on earth than there were with him in heaven. Even this is a blessing, the proximity to the days that Ray was here.
We are grateful for your continued support, the friends who listen and listen, the cards and emails, the thoughts and prayers.
We are ever so grateful to our Saviour, always with us.
"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength." Isaiah 40:28-31
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Monday, May 11, 2009
Mother's Day
Loved Ones,
It was a good day. It was a day that I felt Ray with us.
The girls "made" me breakfast in bed with a little help from Dunkin Donuts and Aunt Molly. One of my favorite things was this comment from Nora last night, "Mom, I don't want you to have to do any work on Mother's Day. So could you please get all your work done tonight?" She's a smart kid! But also so sweet, as she got Lucy out of bed herself so that I wouldn't wake up till at least 6:30!
The girls and I had fun just being together, along with a lovely brunch with my mom and sister, and fun times with the Fitzgeralds this evening.
A special spot in the day was our time at the cemetary. The girls and I headed there by ourselves, but when we arrived we were met by Ray's mom and sisters. Coincidence? I didn't think so and I thanked Ray for that, as it was so good to be there together instead of by ourselves.
We are so grateful for our family who played such a special part in this day, and in this whole year.
"For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God." Ephesians 3:14-19
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
It was a good day. It was a day that I felt Ray with us.
The girls "made" me breakfast in bed with a little help from Dunkin Donuts and Aunt Molly. One of my favorite things was this comment from Nora last night, "Mom, I don't want you to have to do any work on Mother's Day. So could you please get all your work done tonight?" She's a smart kid! But also so sweet, as she got Lucy out of bed herself so that I wouldn't wake up till at least 6:30!
The girls and I had fun just being together, along with a lovely brunch with my mom and sister, and fun times with the Fitzgeralds this evening.
A special spot in the day was our time at the cemetary. The girls and I headed there by ourselves, but when we arrived we were met by Ray's mom and sisters. Coincidence? I didn't think so and I thanked Ray for that, as it was so good to be there together instead of by ourselves.
We are so grateful for our family who played such a special part in this day, and in this whole year.
"For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God." Ephesians 3:14-19
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Loved Ones,
In rereading my last posting, I found it so ironic that the title was "fear" and it was signed, "not alone and not afraid!" I did not even catch that as I wrote, just reaching out for help in trying to stand strong. I hope it is not disappointing to all of you, the fears; we have felt them all along. "Not afraid" is truly my highest hope and goal. For me, however, it takes prayer and determination to be in that spot.
The girls and I are getting along. We are doing our best to learn how to keep going, knowing that God's care for us can and has meant that we may experience things we are afraid of. How I wish this wasn't true!
However, I am trying to be thankful for my fears, knowing that it truly gives me a window to understand how my girls may feel, and help all of us to find a way through for our life.
I am so thankful for the girls! They are looking forward to making me breakfast in bed for Mother's Day. Ray did this with them last year and they are excited to continue the tradition.
I know it will be a bittersweet day for all of us. We are looking forward to visiting Ray's grave as the gravestone has finally arrived, exciting news since our visit there last week. I am so thankful it will be there for Mother's Day.
We all continue to be so thankful for your prayers, your company, and your encouragement.
"We wait in hope for the LORD; he is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD, even as we put our hope in you." Psalm 33:20-22
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
In rereading my last posting, I found it so ironic that the title was "fear" and it was signed, "not alone and not afraid!" I did not even catch that as I wrote, just reaching out for help in trying to stand strong. I hope it is not disappointing to all of you, the fears; we have felt them all along. "Not afraid" is truly my highest hope and goal. For me, however, it takes prayer and determination to be in that spot.
The girls and I are getting along. We are doing our best to learn how to keep going, knowing that God's care for us can and has meant that we may experience things we are afraid of. How I wish this wasn't true!
However, I am trying to be thankful for my fears, knowing that it truly gives me a window to understand how my girls may feel, and help all of us to find a way through for our life.
I am so thankful for the girls! They are looking forward to making me breakfast in bed for Mother's Day. Ray did this with them last year and they are excited to continue the tradition.
I know it will be a bittersweet day for all of us. We are looking forward to visiting Ray's grave as the gravestone has finally arrived, exciting news since our visit there last week. I am so thankful it will be there for Mother's Day.
We all continue to be so thankful for your prayers, your company, and your encouragement.
"We wait in hope for the LORD; he is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD, even as we put our hope in you." Psalm 33:20-22
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Fear
Loved Ones,
One of the last vestiges of cancer is fear. As I had always been afraid of cancer, of death, of loss, even before Ray, this experience in some ways confirms those fears, and thus heightens their intensity. What next? How to prevent? How to catch? How to avoid?
I believe Ray has triumphed over cancer and thus I pray for his help (and our Lord's) when I feel afraid. And there are days when the fears are at bay.
However, there are other times where fear is a thundering enemy, pressing in on all sides.
And, in my fear, I must also shepherd these little ones, whose security has also been rocked, doing my best to quiet our shaken hearts.
With the example of my courageous husband before me, the one who stared down far scarier things, I know I cannot be defeated by this smallest portion of his battle. I pray for strength. For God's own peace. For victory to pour down for me, and especially for my little girls.
"O LORD, how many are my foes! How many rise up against me! Many are saying of me, "God will not deliver him." But you are a shield around me, O LORD; you bestow glory on me and lift up my head. To the LORD I cry aloud, and he answers me from his holy hill. I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the LORD sustains me. I will not fear the tens of thousands drawn up against me on every side. Arise, O LORD! Deliver me, O my God! From the LORD comes deliverance. May your blessing be on your people." Psalm 3
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
One of the last vestiges of cancer is fear. As I had always been afraid of cancer, of death, of loss, even before Ray, this experience in some ways confirms those fears, and thus heightens their intensity. What next? How to prevent? How to catch? How to avoid?
I believe Ray has triumphed over cancer and thus I pray for his help (and our Lord's) when I feel afraid. And there are days when the fears are at bay.
However, there are other times where fear is a thundering enemy, pressing in on all sides.
And, in my fear, I must also shepherd these little ones, whose security has also been rocked, doing my best to quiet our shaken hearts.
With the example of my courageous husband before me, the one who stared down far scarier things, I know I cannot be defeated by this smallest portion of his battle. I pray for strength. For God's own peace. For victory to pour down for me, and especially for my little girls.
"O LORD, how many are my foes! How many rise up against me! Many are saying of me, "God will not deliver him." But you are a shield around me, O LORD; you bestow glory on me and lift up my head. To the LORD I cry aloud, and he answers me from his holy hill. I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the LORD sustains me. I will not fear the tens of thousands drawn up against me on every side. Arise, O LORD! Deliver me, O my God! From the LORD comes deliverance. May your blessing be on your people." Psalm 3
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Three Months
Loved Ones,
It was three months ago today that Ray went to heaven.
In some ways it seems so very long ago. The routines of our life have continued, many new ones, swimming at the pool, watching Food Network's "Chopped," getting bagels after church. We think of Ray so often when we do the things we used to do, but it seems a long time since we did them together.
And of course, there are times when it seems like yesterday that all was well.
When the girls talk about their dad, daddy golfing, scratching their backs, singing their songs, it is among my happiest of times.
We thank you all for your continued prayers, love and aid.
"There is no one like the God of Israel, who rides on the heavens to help you and on the clouds in his majesty. The eternal God is your refuge,and underneath are the everlasting arms." Deuteronomy 33:26-27
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
It was three months ago today that Ray went to heaven.
In some ways it seems so very long ago. The routines of our life have continued, many new ones, swimming at the pool, watching Food Network's "Chopped," getting bagels after church. We think of Ray so often when we do the things we used to do, but it seems a long time since we did them together.
And of course, there are times when it seems like yesterday that all was well.
When the girls talk about their dad, daddy golfing, scratching their backs, singing their songs, it is among my happiest of times.
We thank you all for your continued prayers, love and aid.
"There is no one like the God of Israel, who rides on the heavens to help you and on the clouds in his majesty. The eternal God is your refuge,and underneath are the everlasting arms." Deuteronomy 33:26-27
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Home From Texas
Loved Ones,
We're home from Texas. We had a good trip. Our hearts were full of memories from our past trips to Austin.
One of the girls' highlights was returning to Sea World. While there we rode the log ride that Ray and Nora rode when we visited in May of 07. She has a pink key chain with their picture from the ride. Now we have matching ones, this one with Maggie and Mommy in attendance too. We miss Ray so much!
I was glad that we had a different Easter. Like so many things now, we have fun, but in a different way than we did before. The girls are the girls. They are still running around searching for eggs and stuffing their faces with candy! I adore those girls so much. And I miss so much smiling at those girls with Ray.
A friend sent me a verse that meant so much to me. I read and reflected on in on Easter night and it has stayed with me as I have made the difficult transition back to reality at home.
In addition to our many happy memories, I have sad ones that I reflect on also. Especially from that last month. While nothing can ever lift the sadness I feel from watching my precious husband suffer so greatly, this verse gave so much hope in suffering, and offered me so much comfort.
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
We're home from Texas. We had a good trip. Our hearts were full of memories from our past trips to Austin.
One of the girls' highlights was returning to Sea World. While there we rode the log ride that Ray and Nora rode when we visited in May of 07. She has a pink key chain with their picture from the ride. Now we have matching ones, this one with Maggie and Mommy in attendance too. We miss Ray so much!
I was glad that we had a different Easter. Like so many things now, we have fun, but in a different way than we did before. The girls are the girls. They are still running around searching for eggs and stuffing their faces with candy! I adore those girls so much. And I miss so much smiling at those girls with Ray.
A friend sent me a verse that meant so much to me. I read and reflected on in on Easter night and it has stayed with me as I have made the difficult transition back to reality at home.
In addition to our many happy memories, I have sad ones that I reflect on also. Especially from that last month. While nothing can ever lift the sadness I feel from watching my precious husband suffer so greatly, this verse gave so much hope in suffering, and offered me so much comfort.
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
Monday, April 6, 2009
Texas Redux
Loved Ones,
The girls and I are off to Texas today. As they were sick most of last week we cancelled our Spring Break trip but decided to go for Easter instead. Nora will miss a few days of kindergarten but I think that will be ok. We are excited to see all of our cousins and soak up some of the warm weather, especially since it snowed here last night.
This will be our first major holiday without Ray. He's been so much on my mind throughout this Lenten season for so many reasons. Ray's death calls to mind Christ's suffering in so many ways. His willingness to follow God's plan. His patient suffering. His continued presence with us.
And in other ways we think of him. Dying eggs together. Hiding our Easter eggs for the Easter egg hunt and calling out hints during the hunt from behind the video camara.
Last Easter was just before things changed in our lives. Ray had given up soda last Lent and just after he resumed drinkning it the burping that would bring the cancer diagnosis began. Still, even without a cloud in our sky, I felt the coming darkness last Easter. As we went to bed that night I told Ray that I could hardly go to sleep, knowing what could happen before the next Easter, wishing I could hold on to this day.
Our hearts and minds will be full of many thoughts as we celebrate this Easter. Above all, we are grateful for the great and shining hope of eternal life in heaven together with Ray!
"You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last." John 15:16
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
The girls and I are off to Texas today. As they were sick most of last week we cancelled our Spring Break trip but decided to go for Easter instead. Nora will miss a few days of kindergarten but I think that will be ok. We are excited to see all of our cousins and soak up some of the warm weather, especially since it snowed here last night.
This will be our first major holiday without Ray. He's been so much on my mind throughout this Lenten season for so many reasons. Ray's death calls to mind Christ's suffering in so many ways. His willingness to follow God's plan. His patient suffering. His continued presence with us.
And in other ways we think of him. Dying eggs together. Hiding our Easter eggs for the Easter egg hunt and calling out hints during the hunt from behind the video camara.
Last Easter was just before things changed in our lives. Ray had given up soda last Lent and just after he resumed drinkning it the burping that would bring the cancer diagnosis began. Still, even without a cloud in our sky, I felt the coming darkness last Easter. As we went to bed that night I told Ray that I could hardly go to sleep, knowing what could happen before the next Easter, wishing I could hold on to this day.
Our hearts and minds will be full of many thoughts as we celebrate this Easter. Above all, we are grateful for the great and shining hope of eternal life in heaven together with Ray!
"You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last." John 15:16
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
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