Loved Ones,
The girls and I are off to Texas today. As they were sick most of last week we cancelled our Spring Break trip but decided to go for Easter instead. Nora will miss a few days of kindergarten but I think that will be ok. We are excited to see all of our cousins and soak up some of the warm weather, especially since it snowed here last night.
This will be our first major holiday without Ray. He's been so much on my mind throughout this Lenten season for so many reasons. Ray's death calls to mind Christ's suffering in so many ways. His willingness to follow God's plan. His patient suffering. His continued presence with us.
And in other ways we think of him. Dying eggs together. Hiding our Easter eggs for the Easter egg hunt and calling out hints during the hunt from behind the video camara.
Last Easter was just before things changed in our lives. Ray had given up soda last Lent and just after he resumed drinkning it the burping that would bring the cancer diagnosis began. Still, even without a cloud in our sky, I felt the coming darkness last Easter. As we went to bed that night I told Ray that I could hardly go to sleep, knowing what could happen before the next Easter, wishing I could hold on to this day.
Our hearts and minds will be full of many thoughts as we celebrate this Easter. Above all, we are grateful for the great and shining hope of eternal life in heaven together with Ray!
"You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last." John 15:16
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
Monday, April 6, 2009
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Spring Break Part 2
Loved Ones,
It's good we're not in Texas. The flu has been strong and lasting. After Lucy came Maggie and she is still struggling. I am hopeful that tomorrow will be our first well day. That way I can stop trying to remember how to spell diarrhea!!
I've worked really hard on my gastric cancer research project -- working toward starting a national project to study gastrointestinal cancers in young people. It's the right time to work on it with so many helpful Congressional Members and staff. And, to save one person from these cancers would be a victory. I feel relieved to have something to do that could help.
However, I would sit at my computer and finish 100 Congressional research projects rather than sit still and think about how hard it is to be here alone with the kids this week.
It's a discipline really to be at home. We can't escape anywhere with sick kids, so it forces me to take care of the things on my list I'd rather ignore. Like dentist appointments. Like difficult decisions. And most importantly, like grief.
And so, when we finally go to Texas this coming Monday, I'll feel a little better. Like we've cleared the decks just a little bit and are leaving with things a little more in hand to enjoy ourselves.
This time now is different. I don't have the daily interaction with so many of you. We are more on our own. And yet, we feel God's quiet hand, strengthened by so many of your prayers, upon us still.
"He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul." Psalm 23:2-3
not alone and not afraid,
kristin
It's good we're not in Texas. The flu has been strong and lasting. After Lucy came Maggie and she is still struggling. I am hopeful that tomorrow will be our first well day. That way I can stop trying to remember how to spell diarrhea!!
I've worked really hard on my gastric cancer research project -- working toward starting a national project to study gastrointestinal cancers in young people. It's the right time to work on it with so many helpful Congressional Members and staff. And, to save one person from these cancers would be a victory. I feel relieved to have something to do that could help.
However, I would sit at my computer and finish 100 Congressional research projects rather than sit still and think about how hard it is to be here alone with the kids this week.
It's a discipline really to be at home. We can't escape anywhere with sick kids, so it forces me to take care of the things on my list I'd rather ignore. Like dentist appointments. Like difficult decisions. And most importantly, like grief.
And so, when we finally go to Texas this coming Monday, I'll feel a little better. Like we've cleared the decks just a little bit and are leaving with things a little more in hand to enjoy ourselves.
This time now is different. I don't have the daily interaction with so many of you. We are more on our own. And yet, we feel God's quiet hand, strengthened by so many of your prayers, upon us still.
"He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul." Psalm 23:2-3
not alone and not afraid,
kristin
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Spring Break
Loved Ones,
So we're not exactly in Texas. Lucy came down with raging stomach flu on Thursday and we had to postpone our trip. Our suitcases are still packed and sitting on the kitchen floor, but we're sort of in limbo with continued vomiting and diahrrea. All the kids are in front of the TV with gatorade and crackers. As Ray would always say, "The magic of Ariel..." I'm hoping Nora and Maggie are just having sympathy pains because if this really spreads to them we may not get to Texas by the time Spring Break is over! I am very proud of them though, they've been so patient in their disappointment.
So let's see, the good news is that it has given me more time to work on my gastric cancer research project -- hoping to get some federal dollars directed toward researching young people like Ray with an early incidence of GI cancer. Working on this makes me feel good but we have a long road ahead as federal dollars are somewhat scarce.
At this point I'm not sure how to pray except to pray for wisdom as to making decisions and spending my time. It's one of the many things I miss so much about Ray -- his sound guidance.
"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."
Zephaniah 3:17
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
So we're not exactly in Texas. Lucy came down with raging stomach flu on Thursday and we had to postpone our trip. Our suitcases are still packed and sitting on the kitchen floor, but we're sort of in limbo with continued vomiting and diahrrea. All the kids are in front of the TV with gatorade and crackers. As Ray would always say, "The magic of Ariel..." I'm hoping Nora and Maggie are just having sympathy pains because if this really spreads to them we may not get to Texas by the time Spring Break is over! I am very proud of them though, they've been so patient in their disappointment.
So let's see, the good news is that it has given me more time to work on my gastric cancer research project -- hoping to get some federal dollars directed toward researching young people like Ray with an early incidence of GI cancer. Working on this makes me feel good but we have a long road ahead as federal dollars are somewhat scarce.
At this point I'm not sure how to pray except to pray for wisdom as to making decisions and spending my time. It's one of the many things I miss so much about Ray -- his sound guidance.
"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."
Zephaniah 3:17
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Two Months
Loved Ones,
There are still times when I am coming down the stairs and thinking of something that I'll think, "Oh perhaps Ray left a message and we can talk now that the kids are in bed." Times that it still feels like he's just in DC and I'm hoping we can connect really soon.
That feeling permeates, I dream it. That feeling of, Ray's been gone a little while and I really miss him, but that he's right around the corner, almost close enough to touch.
How I wish it were so.
I think the girls feel it, talking so often of him. That we can split the donut four ways because Daddy isn't here. That Daddy would have done this, or liked this or the other.
It's still just so hard to believe that he won't be coming back any day. Healthy, well, with all of this just a bad dream.
There is a lot to do. A lot of things to fix, a lot of decisions, a lot of parenting of girls who have been shaken, a lot of a lot. In the early days I focused as much as I could on finding fun and being together; now focusing more on the routines, returning to as much order as I can muster.
Some days I can't muster any order! So I appreciate my saintly family and friends who listen and help and load the dishwasher and fold laundry.
And, there are some days that I feel my husband helping me out. Making sure I saw yes, that most obvious sign. Or reinforcing my leanings one way or another in those most hardest of parenting decisions. I am so grateful for those days.
We leave Thursday to visit family for Spring Break in Texas. We'll think, of course, of our trip last September. And more happily of our trip two years ago, where none of this was on the horizon.
We continue to be so grateful for your prayers.
"But the eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love, We wait in hope for the LORD; he is our help and our shield In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD, even as we put our hope in you." Psalm 33: 18, 20-22
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
There are still times when I am coming down the stairs and thinking of something that I'll think, "Oh perhaps Ray left a message and we can talk now that the kids are in bed." Times that it still feels like he's just in DC and I'm hoping we can connect really soon.
That feeling permeates, I dream it. That feeling of, Ray's been gone a little while and I really miss him, but that he's right around the corner, almost close enough to touch.
How I wish it were so.
I think the girls feel it, talking so often of him. That we can split the donut four ways because Daddy isn't here. That Daddy would have done this, or liked this or the other.
It's still just so hard to believe that he won't be coming back any day. Healthy, well, with all of this just a bad dream.
There is a lot to do. A lot of things to fix, a lot of decisions, a lot of parenting of girls who have been shaken, a lot of a lot. In the early days I focused as much as I could on finding fun and being together; now focusing more on the routines, returning to as much order as I can muster.
Some days I can't muster any order! So I appreciate my saintly family and friends who listen and help and load the dishwasher and fold laundry.
And, there are some days that I feel my husband helping me out. Making sure I saw yes, that most obvious sign. Or reinforcing my leanings one way or another in those most hardest of parenting decisions. I am so grateful for those days.
We leave Thursday to visit family for Spring Break in Texas. We'll think, of course, of our trip last September. And more happily of our trip two years ago, where none of this was on the horizon.
We continue to be so grateful for your prayers.
"But the eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love, We wait in hope for the LORD; he is our help and our shield In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD, even as we put our hope in you." Psalm 33: 18, 20-22
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
St. Patrick's Day
Loved Ones,
The girls and I had a Happy St. Patrick's weekend. We talked on Saturday night, saying that Ray would have loved everything about our day. We went to the Naperville Irish Parade, played games at Chuck E Cheese, Nora learned to ride a bike and thanks to Navistar, we went to see Mary Poppins on Saturday night.
Every one of those things were things Ray loved to do. We marched in the Irish parade every year except the year Lucy was born. We missed Ray racking up the points for us like he used to at Chuck E Cheese. We know he would have been so proud of Nora riding that bike! And he loved to go to the theater so I especially missed his presence as he and I had gone many times before.
We saw Ray's family on Sunday at the Southside Irish parade so it always makes us feel close to him to be with them. And we sent off balloons at Ray's grave which of course, got stuck in the trees!
All this to say that we thought of Ray all weekend and of course today on St. Patrick's Day.
Today was a little bit harder. It is often in our little family times that we really miss Ray's presence. And we all wished that he was here. A friend sent us an Irish Dancing Jib Jab with our faces cut out on the Irish Dance girls. It began and I was just so sad to see only the four of us. But then Ray appeared and it was so nice to see his smiling face with ours. How I miss that face.
It's kind of an appropriate parallel for what I feel these days. The girls and I are going along and doing our best to have special family times together as a little family unit just like we used to. But goodness, we miss his presence so much.
We appreciate so much your prayers for us. For us to be able to grieve and heal. For wisdom in all things -- especially for me. I've been working the past few days on trying to get some funding for gastric cancer research. Tight timeframes, lots of work. In my old life I could handle this. It's much harder now and the girls need me so much more. And I need myself! But I know that my involvement may be very important. So just for wisdom and direction always in every way.
I can't stop with this verse. We need so much the crown of beauty, the oil of gladness, the garment of praise.
"The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor." Isaiah 61:1-3
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
The girls and I had a Happy St. Patrick's weekend. We talked on Saturday night, saying that Ray would have loved everything about our day. We went to the Naperville Irish Parade, played games at Chuck E Cheese, Nora learned to ride a bike and thanks to Navistar, we went to see Mary Poppins on Saturday night.
Every one of those things were things Ray loved to do. We marched in the Irish parade every year except the year Lucy was born. We missed Ray racking up the points for us like he used to at Chuck E Cheese. We know he would have been so proud of Nora riding that bike! And he loved to go to the theater so I especially missed his presence as he and I had gone many times before.
We saw Ray's family on Sunday at the Southside Irish parade so it always makes us feel close to him to be with them. And we sent off balloons at Ray's grave which of course, got stuck in the trees!
All this to say that we thought of Ray all weekend and of course today on St. Patrick's Day.
Today was a little bit harder. It is often in our little family times that we really miss Ray's presence. And we all wished that he was here. A friend sent us an Irish Dancing Jib Jab with our faces cut out on the Irish Dance girls. It began and I was just so sad to see only the four of us. But then Ray appeared and it was so nice to see his smiling face with ours. How I miss that face.
It's kind of an appropriate parallel for what I feel these days. The girls and I are going along and doing our best to have special family times together as a little family unit just like we used to. But goodness, we miss his presence so much.
We appreciate so much your prayers for us. For us to be able to grieve and heal. For wisdom in all things -- especially for me. I've been working the past few days on trying to get some funding for gastric cancer research. Tight timeframes, lots of work. In my old life I could handle this. It's much harder now and the girls need me so much more. And I need myself! But I know that my involvement may be very important. So just for wisdom and direction always in every way.
I can't stop with this verse. We need so much the crown of beauty, the oil of gladness, the garment of praise.
"The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor." Isaiah 61:1-3
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
Thursday, March 12, 2009
A Posting
Loved Ones,
With a sigh of relief we conclude birthday central at the Fitzgerald household. Maggie (now 4) and Lucy (now 2) had happy days, filled with our traditional birthday balloons, cakes and lots of well wishes.
We have a happy family -- both immediate and extended -- so we always have fun.
But it is never the same without Ray. His jokes while videotaping, his special touch picking out the balloons, his voice in the family chorus.
It seems impossible that our memories of Lucy's first birthday will be her only birthday memories that include her dad.
Our spring memories from last year are our last that didn't include cancer. The girls birthdays, Easter and Mother's Day were unblemished. We treasure those times with joy and look forward to reliving them in the coming weeks. However, in our minds they sometimes render our todays all but impossible. How great will be Ray's absence as the new year presses forward.
We continue to be grateful for your prayers.
"The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor." Isaiah 61:1-3
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
With a sigh of relief we conclude birthday central at the Fitzgerald household. Maggie (now 4) and Lucy (now 2) had happy days, filled with our traditional birthday balloons, cakes and lots of well wishes.
We have a happy family -- both immediate and extended -- so we always have fun.
But it is never the same without Ray. His jokes while videotaping, his special touch picking out the balloons, his voice in the family chorus.
It seems impossible that our memories of Lucy's first birthday will be her only birthday memories that include her dad.
Our spring memories from last year are our last that didn't include cancer. The girls birthdays, Easter and Mother's Day were unblemished. We treasure those times with joy and look forward to reliving them in the coming weeks. However, in our minds they sometimes render our todays all but impossible. How great will be Ray's absence as the new year presses forward.
We continue to be grateful for your prayers.
"The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor." Isaiah 61:1-3
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
Monday, March 2, 2009
Ray's Memorial Service
Loved Ones,
I want to say a special thank you to those of you who were able to come to the Memorial Service for Ray in DC on Thursday. It was such a lovely evening of reflections about Ray. I can't tell you how much I loved looking out at all of the loving faces at the church.
Several reflections shared such sweet memories and thoughts about our dear Ray. And the reception following included a time for toasts to Ray -- there many folks shared fun memories and funny stories. We so enjoyed this time to bask in the glow of love for Ray. We know the glow was shining up to heaven.
It was bittersweet to be in DC. As Ray and I never traveled back to DC during his illness, we had only happy and healthy memories there. While these are so wonderful to recall, in doing so, we feel so deeply Ray's absence. Never have I felt so strongly that this must simply be a dream.
However, to share our grief with many of those who knew Ray so well was comforting, so we did our best to soak up those times.
With this last Memorial complete, we return home to our new world. Each new day brings changes and growth in the girls that we just wish Ray could have shared here on earth. Tomorrow will be another first as Maggie turns four -- our first birthday without Ray.
We pray for God's continued hand on our family in this time.
"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." Ephesians 3:16-20
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
I want to say a special thank you to those of you who were able to come to the Memorial Service for Ray in DC on Thursday. It was such a lovely evening of reflections about Ray. I can't tell you how much I loved looking out at all of the loving faces at the church.
Several reflections shared such sweet memories and thoughts about our dear Ray. And the reception following included a time for toasts to Ray -- there many folks shared fun memories and funny stories. We so enjoyed this time to bask in the glow of love for Ray. We know the glow was shining up to heaven.
It was bittersweet to be in DC. As Ray and I never traveled back to DC during his illness, we had only happy and healthy memories there. While these are so wonderful to recall, in doing so, we feel so deeply Ray's absence. Never have I felt so strongly that this must simply be a dream.
However, to share our grief with many of those who knew Ray so well was comforting, so we did our best to soak up those times.
With this last Memorial complete, we return home to our new world. Each new day brings changes and growth in the girls that we just wish Ray could have shared here on earth. Tomorrow will be another first as Maggie turns four -- our first birthday without Ray.
We pray for God's continued hand on our family in this time.
"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." Ephesians 3:16-20
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
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