Loved Ones,
There are still times when I am coming down the stairs and thinking of something that I'll think, "Oh perhaps Ray left a message and we can talk now that the kids are in bed." Times that it still feels like he's just in DC and I'm hoping we can connect really soon.
That feeling permeates, I dream it. That feeling of, Ray's been gone a little while and I really miss him, but that he's right around the corner, almost close enough to touch.
How I wish it were so.
I think the girls feel it, talking so often of him. That we can split the donut four ways because Daddy isn't here. That Daddy would have done this, or liked this or the other.
It's still just so hard to believe that he won't be coming back any day. Healthy, well, with all of this just a bad dream.
There is a lot to do. A lot of things to fix, a lot of decisions, a lot of parenting of girls who have been shaken, a lot of a lot. In the early days I focused as much as I could on finding fun and being together; now focusing more on the routines, returning to as much order as I can muster.
Some days I can't muster any order! So I appreciate my saintly family and friends who listen and help and load the dishwasher and fold laundry.
And, there are some days that I feel my husband helping me out. Making sure I saw yes, that most obvious sign. Or reinforcing my leanings one way or another in those most hardest of parenting decisions. I am so grateful for those days.
We leave Thursday to visit family for Spring Break in Texas. We'll think, of course, of our trip last September. And more happily of our trip two years ago, where none of this was on the horizon.
We continue to be so grateful for your prayers.
"But the eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love, We wait in hope for the LORD; he is our help and our shield In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD, even as we put our hope in you." Psalm 33: 18, 20-22
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
St. Patrick's Day
Loved Ones,
The girls and I had a Happy St. Patrick's weekend. We talked on Saturday night, saying that Ray would have loved everything about our day. We went to the Naperville Irish Parade, played games at Chuck E Cheese, Nora learned to ride a bike and thanks to Navistar, we went to see Mary Poppins on Saturday night.
Every one of those things were things Ray loved to do. We marched in the Irish parade every year except the year Lucy was born. We missed Ray racking up the points for us like he used to at Chuck E Cheese. We know he would have been so proud of Nora riding that bike! And he loved to go to the theater so I especially missed his presence as he and I had gone many times before.
We saw Ray's family on Sunday at the Southside Irish parade so it always makes us feel close to him to be with them. And we sent off balloons at Ray's grave which of course, got stuck in the trees!
All this to say that we thought of Ray all weekend and of course today on St. Patrick's Day.
Today was a little bit harder. It is often in our little family times that we really miss Ray's presence. And we all wished that he was here. A friend sent us an Irish Dancing Jib Jab with our faces cut out on the Irish Dance girls. It began and I was just so sad to see only the four of us. But then Ray appeared and it was so nice to see his smiling face with ours. How I miss that face.
It's kind of an appropriate parallel for what I feel these days. The girls and I are going along and doing our best to have special family times together as a little family unit just like we used to. But goodness, we miss his presence so much.
We appreciate so much your prayers for us. For us to be able to grieve and heal. For wisdom in all things -- especially for me. I've been working the past few days on trying to get some funding for gastric cancer research. Tight timeframes, lots of work. In my old life I could handle this. It's much harder now and the girls need me so much more. And I need myself! But I know that my involvement may be very important. So just for wisdom and direction always in every way.
I can't stop with this verse. We need so much the crown of beauty, the oil of gladness, the garment of praise.
"The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor." Isaiah 61:1-3
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
The girls and I had a Happy St. Patrick's weekend. We talked on Saturday night, saying that Ray would have loved everything about our day. We went to the Naperville Irish Parade, played games at Chuck E Cheese, Nora learned to ride a bike and thanks to Navistar, we went to see Mary Poppins on Saturday night.
Every one of those things were things Ray loved to do. We marched in the Irish parade every year except the year Lucy was born. We missed Ray racking up the points for us like he used to at Chuck E Cheese. We know he would have been so proud of Nora riding that bike! And he loved to go to the theater so I especially missed his presence as he and I had gone many times before.
We saw Ray's family on Sunday at the Southside Irish parade so it always makes us feel close to him to be with them. And we sent off balloons at Ray's grave which of course, got stuck in the trees!
All this to say that we thought of Ray all weekend and of course today on St. Patrick's Day.
Today was a little bit harder. It is often in our little family times that we really miss Ray's presence. And we all wished that he was here. A friend sent us an Irish Dancing Jib Jab with our faces cut out on the Irish Dance girls. It began and I was just so sad to see only the four of us. But then Ray appeared and it was so nice to see his smiling face with ours. How I miss that face.
It's kind of an appropriate parallel for what I feel these days. The girls and I are going along and doing our best to have special family times together as a little family unit just like we used to. But goodness, we miss his presence so much.
We appreciate so much your prayers for us. For us to be able to grieve and heal. For wisdom in all things -- especially for me. I've been working the past few days on trying to get some funding for gastric cancer research. Tight timeframes, lots of work. In my old life I could handle this. It's much harder now and the girls need me so much more. And I need myself! But I know that my involvement may be very important. So just for wisdom and direction always in every way.
I can't stop with this verse. We need so much the crown of beauty, the oil of gladness, the garment of praise.
"The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor." Isaiah 61:1-3
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
Thursday, March 12, 2009
A Posting
Loved Ones,
With a sigh of relief we conclude birthday central at the Fitzgerald household. Maggie (now 4) and Lucy (now 2) had happy days, filled with our traditional birthday balloons, cakes and lots of well wishes.
We have a happy family -- both immediate and extended -- so we always have fun.
But it is never the same without Ray. His jokes while videotaping, his special touch picking out the balloons, his voice in the family chorus.
It seems impossible that our memories of Lucy's first birthday will be her only birthday memories that include her dad.
Our spring memories from last year are our last that didn't include cancer. The girls birthdays, Easter and Mother's Day were unblemished. We treasure those times with joy and look forward to reliving them in the coming weeks. However, in our minds they sometimes render our todays all but impossible. How great will be Ray's absence as the new year presses forward.
We continue to be grateful for your prayers.
"The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor." Isaiah 61:1-3
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
With a sigh of relief we conclude birthday central at the Fitzgerald household. Maggie (now 4) and Lucy (now 2) had happy days, filled with our traditional birthday balloons, cakes and lots of well wishes.
We have a happy family -- both immediate and extended -- so we always have fun.
But it is never the same without Ray. His jokes while videotaping, his special touch picking out the balloons, his voice in the family chorus.
It seems impossible that our memories of Lucy's first birthday will be her only birthday memories that include her dad.
Our spring memories from last year are our last that didn't include cancer. The girls birthdays, Easter and Mother's Day were unblemished. We treasure those times with joy and look forward to reliving them in the coming weeks. However, in our minds they sometimes render our todays all but impossible. How great will be Ray's absence as the new year presses forward.
We continue to be grateful for your prayers.
"The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor." Isaiah 61:1-3
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
Monday, March 2, 2009
Ray's Memorial Service
Loved Ones,
I want to say a special thank you to those of you who were able to come to the Memorial Service for Ray in DC on Thursday. It was such a lovely evening of reflections about Ray. I can't tell you how much I loved looking out at all of the loving faces at the church.
Several reflections shared such sweet memories and thoughts about our dear Ray. And the reception following included a time for toasts to Ray -- there many folks shared fun memories and funny stories. We so enjoyed this time to bask in the glow of love for Ray. We know the glow was shining up to heaven.
It was bittersweet to be in DC. As Ray and I never traveled back to DC during his illness, we had only happy and healthy memories there. While these are so wonderful to recall, in doing so, we feel so deeply Ray's absence. Never have I felt so strongly that this must simply be a dream.
However, to share our grief with many of those who knew Ray so well was comforting, so we did our best to soak up those times.
With this last Memorial complete, we return home to our new world. Each new day brings changes and growth in the girls that we just wish Ray could have shared here on earth. Tomorrow will be another first as Maggie turns four -- our first birthday without Ray.
We pray for God's continued hand on our family in this time.
"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." Ephesians 3:16-20
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
I want to say a special thank you to those of you who were able to come to the Memorial Service for Ray in DC on Thursday. It was such a lovely evening of reflections about Ray. I can't tell you how much I loved looking out at all of the loving faces at the church.
Several reflections shared such sweet memories and thoughts about our dear Ray. And the reception following included a time for toasts to Ray -- there many folks shared fun memories and funny stories. We so enjoyed this time to bask in the glow of love for Ray. We know the glow was shining up to heaven.
It was bittersweet to be in DC. As Ray and I never traveled back to DC during his illness, we had only happy and healthy memories there. While these are so wonderful to recall, in doing so, we feel so deeply Ray's absence. Never have I felt so strongly that this must simply be a dream.
However, to share our grief with many of those who knew Ray so well was comforting, so we did our best to soak up those times.
With this last Memorial complete, we return home to our new world. Each new day brings changes and growth in the girls that we just wish Ray could have shared here on earth. Tomorrow will be another first as Maggie turns four -- our first birthday without Ray.
We pray for God's continued hand on our family in this time.
"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." Ephesians 3:16-20
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Valentine's Day
Loved Ones,
On Valentine's Day 2008, Ray and I surprised the girls with news of a trip to Disney World the next day. That day and the days following are some of our most precious memories. So we didn't know what this day would be like.
To my precious friend Carmen who spent the night so the girls would wake up with a "slumber party," we thank you.
To our neighbors and friends who cheered extra hard for Nora at her Valentine's Day soccer "double-header," we thank you.
To our precious family who showed up en mass with videocameras and cameras to cheer for Nora and record this day, we love you and we thank you.
To my precious extended family who cooked up a Valentine's afternoon lovefest to hang out with us, we know you did it for us and we thank you.
To our many neighbors who brought over Valentine's treats tonight and many other times, we thank you.
To our friends and family far away who called, wrote and sent Valentines of all kinds, we thank you.
We celebrated our precious Ray with ten red balloons attached to 10 High School Musical Valentines we sent off to heaven. Those beautiful red balloons glittered and bobbed for so long in the air as we sent our love up to heaven for our beautiful daddy, husband, brother, son and uncle.
The last time I sent this verse I felt as I wrote it that it truly embodied my husband. His love. We felt this love all around us today.
"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." 1 Corinthians 13:1-8
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
On Valentine's Day 2008, Ray and I surprised the girls with news of a trip to Disney World the next day. That day and the days following are some of our most precious memories. So we didn't know what this day would be like.
To my precious friend Carmen who spent the night so the girls would wake up with a "slumber party," we thank you.
To our neighbors and friends who cheered extra hard for Nora at her Valentine's Day soccer "double-header," we thank you.
To our precious family who showed up en mass with videocameras and cameras to cheer for Nora and record this day, we love you and we thank you.
To my precious extended family who cooked up a Valentine's afternoon lovefest to hang out with us, we know you did it for us and we thank you.
To our many neighbors who brought over Valentine's treats tonight and many other times, we thank you.
To our friends and family far away who called, wrote and sent Valentines of all kinds, we thank you.
We celebrated our precious Ray with ten red balloons attached to 10 High School Musical Valentines we sent off to heaven. Those beautiful red balloons glittered and bobbed for so long in the air as we sent our love up to heaven for our beautiful daddy, husband, brother, son and uncle.
The last time I sent this verse I felt as I wrote it that it truly embodied my husband. His love. We felt this love all around us today.
"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." 1 Corinthians 13:1-8
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
Thursday, February 12, 2009
DC Memorial Service
Loved Ones,
We have news about the Washington Memorial Service for Ray. The Service will be February 26 at 5:00 pm at St. Peters on the House side. It will be followed by a reception in Ray's honor at the Capitol Hill Club from 6-8. We hope you will be able to join us. All of Ray's sisters and a large contingency from my family will be there as well, including of course me and Nora, Maggie and Lucy. Craig will be sending an e-vite to you to get an idea of numbers for the reception. This will follow shortly. I can't tell you how much we are looking forward to the service and seeing all of you.
Not alone and not afraid,
Kristin
We have news about the Washington Memorial Service for Ray. The Service will be February 26 at 5:00 pm at St. Peters on the House side. It will be followed by a reception in Ray's honor at the Capitol Hill Club from 6-8. We hope you will be able to join us. All of Ray's sisters and a large contingency from my family will be there as well, including of course me and Nora, Maggie and Lucy. Craig will be sending an e-vite to you to get an idea of numbers for the reception. This will follow shortly. I can't tell you how much we are looking forward to the service and seeing all of you.
Not alone and not afraid,
Kristin
Monday, February 9, 2009
Healing
Loved Ones,
The girls and I went to church yesterday for the first time since Ray died. None of the girls wanted to stay in childcare so all four of us sat in the row. Our pastor spoke eloquently of Christ's healing that he gave freely to so many. He said that sometimes this healing was physical, and other times it was emotional and spiritual, allowing us to journey the roads we must travel.
This spoke to me. It is always a wonder when so many pray for healing, how God answers those prayers. We hoped so much that Ray's healing would be on earth. While I am so grateful for Ray's healing in heaven, I do believe that part of his and our healing was here, giving us the very strength to travel the road we walked.
And, though the road we walk now is long, I do feel God's hand upon us as we walk. And Ray's. The girls and I laughed so hard as we thought of how happy Ray would have been with our car that we finally cleaned out yesterday.
I also want you to know that we do feel God's hand from yours. So many many things brighten our days, the gym and pool membership from our neighbors, the heart shaped cookies from friends, coordination of our sump pump (!), so many cards with loving and kind words about Ray, masses in his honor... The list is long and all of it together makes it a little easier to have joy in our days.
Our prayer requests are these: for those times when we feel Ray's loss so dearly -- family dinner time, weekends, the old and familiar routines that we must resume in his absence. And for the girls, for those times when they achieve something they so dearly would loved to have shared with their dad and when they think of their dad -- that they always know his continued love from heaven.
"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Matthew 5:4
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
The girls and I went to church yesterday for the first time since Ray died. None of the girls wanted to stay in childcare so all four of us sat in the row. Our pastor spoke eloquently of Christ's healing that he gave freely to so many. He said that sometimes this healing was physical, and other times it was emotional and spiritual, allowing us to journey the roads we must travel.
This spoke to me. It is always a wonder when so many pray for healing, how God answers those prayers. We hoped so much that Ray's healing would be on earth. While I am so grateful for Ray's healing in heaven, I do believe that part of his and our healing was here, giving us the very strength to travel the road we walked.
And, though the road we walk now is long, I do feel God's hand upon us as we walk. And Ray's. The girls and I laughed so hard as we thought of how happy Ray would have been with our car that we finally cleaned out yesterday.
I also want you to know that we do feel God's hand from yours. So many many things brighten our days, the gym and pool membership from our neighbors, the heart shaped cookies from friends, coordination of our sump pump (!), so many cards with loving and kind words about Ray, masses in his honor... The list is long and all of it together makes it a little easier to have joy in our days.
Our prayer requests are these: for those times when we feel Ray's loss so dearly -- family dinner time, weekends, the old and familiar routines that we must resume in his absence. And for the girls, for those times when they achieve something they so dearly would loved to have shared with their dad and when they think of their dad -- that they always know his continued love from heaven.
"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Matthew 5:4
not alone and not afraid --
kristin
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