Eleven Years

Loved Ones,

Today marks 11 years since Ray went to heaven. 11 years!! 

11 years has so much significance to me because Ray and I dated three and a half years and were married eight. He was in my life eleven and a half years. And thus, this year will hold the day when I have had more time without him, than with him.

Yet, I can’t truly be without him.

He is here in the girls – in Maggie’s jokes, in Lucy’s toes, in Nora’s way.

And he is here in me. Through his life he changed us – and he lives on always in those changes.

I am grateful to all of you for remembering him today and always. And for bringing us his light when you share your memories and remember his spirit.

I’m posting today the best pictures I can find that show his true spirit.

That, I miss the most.

not alone and not afraid –

kristin

“On this mountain… he will swallow up death forever. The Sovereign Lord will wipe away the tears from all faces;” Isaiah 25:7-8

Happy Birthday Ray!

Loved Ones,

This would be Ray’s 48^th birthday. This year he would be the father of two teens and one almost-teen. 

One of the hardest things about losing Ray was that we lost him so early. The girls don’t know what he would have been like as a dad that introduces himself to their Homecoming dates, tells them what not to wear, teaches them to drive, visits prospective colleges.

None of us truly know what it would have been like, but I know the most about the things Ray would have brought to their life.

I loved dating Ray. We went to the theater, we played games, we danced, we dined, we traveled.

I have tried to bring them what I know Ray would want. I would not stop until I got them to Paris!

However, I can be super practical. The extraordinary gesture is more him than I.

This birthday I bought them tickets to Hamilton!

Their dad was lavish in his love and care.

I wish so much that they could know this in their hearts. That they had one dance with their dad. That they heard his jokes! His laugh! I know he would buy them roses on their sixteenth, patiently teach them to drive, have more inside jokes than they can imagine, watch Sox games, and yes, go to the theater.

I can’t wait to surprise them with the tickets for Thanksgiving weekend in his honor.

May they feel his love and care in their hearts.

not alone and not afraid –

kristin

"See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!" 1 John 3:1

10 Years in Heaven

Loved Ones,

Today marked 10 years with Ray in Heaven.

We celebrated Ray all weekend, with a mass by Father Brankin, at an Irish bar, at the grave and with family meals.

It was so good to see our friends and family and celebrate Ray with them.

I've been writing Ray's story the last six month. It has connected us so deeply with Ray's struggle with cancer.

Though we always remember Ray, the stories we tell are usually about his humor and who he was before cancer. Going through all the memories has brought back how it felt to endure this very difficult journey.

Remembering this has brought new insights and renewed mission. Over Christmas we spent time at the same cancer ward that we spent that last Christmas with Ray. We made cards and delivered them to patients. I thought it would be terrible to connect to the struggle others are now facing. I felt glad. I felt glad to use those very hard memories to help others.

Being with those who face the threat of their very life, brings back just how inspirational Ray was as he coped with this same threat. Over time the things I say about him lose the freshness of that feeling. Writing the story and connecting with others in the same spot, brings it all back.

Ray really was this amazing. He really did deal with this incredibly sad loss with such grace, sacrifice, and acceptance. Without complaint. With God at his side.

I know this. I've known this. It has influenced so greatly my own path in going forward after losing him. But, it's good to have a fresh reminder, even for me. To remember this perspective. To remember how much we have with each day. To remember that he was blessed. And that we are. And to feel that, not with strife, but with love. In truth. To then use these gifts in love.

It's the task of life.

We remember all of you Ray. We remember your humor, your partnership, your kindness to others. But we especially your example. You set the bar really high. Right up to heaven.

You are in our hearts always.

not alone and not afraid -

kristin

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they will be filled. Blessed are the merciful, for they shall be shown mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called the sons of God. Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." Mathew 5:2-10

"Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth." I John 3:18

Ray's 47th Birthday

Happy Birthday Ray!!


We've been thinking about Ray all fall. I want the girls to know more of Ray, more of his story and I've been digging in to the memories. He's constantly on our minds.


Maggie is doing a paper for school about children who have lost a parent. She interviewed me.


Ray, who he was and losing him to heaven so soon makes me who I am.


It influences every part of who I am as a mother -- and thus every part of who they will be.


I'm on a soccer trip with Maggie this weekend and the girls are with my mom and dad.


We've never been apart on Ray's birthday but such is life and today we are.


Never in the entire time of their soccer careers have they ever played on the South Side.


Tonight, Nora's game was at Marist High School - so near to Ray's Brother Rice.


There has been no question in my mind that Ray would be there with Nora while I was gone.


But I really missed him here in St. Louis.


I asked him if he could help Maggie with a birthday goal while she wore his lucky number 13 on October 13th, his birthday.


Game winner that goal!


As I drove out of the complex I saw a political sign. It wasn't until then that I realized that Maggie was playing in John Shimkus' district - Ray's boss.


One on the South Side. One in Shimkusland.


We needed Ray here too. And he was here.


Happy Birthday Ray. You're here with us everyday. But especially today.


not alone and not afraid --


kristin


"As for me, this is my covenant with them," says the Lord. "My spirit, who is on you, will not depart from you, and my words that I have put in your mouth will always be on your lips, on the lips of your children and on the lips of their descendants -- from this time on and forever," says the Lord." Isaiah 59:21

The 9th Anniversary of Ray's Entrance to Heaven

Loved Ones,

Today marks nine years since Ray entered heaven. He will be ever-present in our thoughts.

In Ray's own words, it is a "Love without End." He loved that song by George Stait, he taught it to the girls and the pictures he loved the most are arranged in a folder with this name. The pictures I post today are from that folder.

We remember him always and we miss him so much today and everyday. I know he would be so proud of all the girls are doing in school, in soccer and in life! It is a grief for all of us that we can't share this with him - the good times and bad.

But, we know he watches over us, and we are grateful for every reminder of our connection still and the many memories we have when we were together.

We are so grateful for our family and friends - many who knew him - some who did not. We know that the love, empathy and prayers you so generously bestow on us are God's arms around us -- helping us to continue on in faithfulness with thoughts of Ray in our hearts.

not alone and not afraid -

kristin

"Comfort, comfort my people,
    says your God.
 Speak tenderly to Jerusalem,
    and proclaim to her
that her hard service has been completed,
    that her sin has been paid for,
that she has received from the Lord’s hand
    double for all her sins." Isaiah 40:1-2

Happy 46th Birthday Ray

Loved Ones -

With my three girls in travel soccer we are driving up and down 294 often. Lucy and I were heading to South Holland for a game a few weeks ago on 294. When we are heading to Indiana this way we always watch for Holy Sepulchre Cemetery to come up on the left but this time it caught us by surprise. I wouldn't have imagined how much we would love being able to drive by and almost see right to Ray's grave but we do. We always call out a message. This time was no different.

We sure miss Ray! This fall has been more busy than any other and any connection we find to him we cherish! I wouldn't have imagined how much soccer would have me on 294 either back then so it seems like divine planning that we have that special gift as we barrel down the highway on our way.

For Ray's birthday we were interviewed by our local neighborhood magazine. We talked about his love of White Sox and hatred of Cubs. When we were in DC last we ran into a hill staffer who recounted how Ray had called her when the White Sox won the World Series to make sure that the speech she wrote for her boss to give on the House floor was adequately full of White Sox facts. That was like found gold to have that new memory and to picture Ray calling.

We'll be thinking of him today and missing him more than any other! Happy Birthday Ray!!

not alone and not afraid -

kristin

"I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers." Ephesians 1:16

Reaching Paris

Loved Ones,

I write this with joy and anticipation. I wrote three years ago about wanting to travel to Europe. I am so excited to say that we are on our way later tonight.

What a journey this has been. Emblematic of the journey of life itself, this long-awaited trip has been in the corner of my mind since I last wrote.

We are so excited to see the places that Ray and I traveled in Paris, and to connect with those memories. We are equally excited to make memories of our own.

Many things are similar to the first trip Ray and I took so many years ago when we got engaged. Can it be that this is 17 years later?

We are grateful for your prayers and wanted you to share in our joy and our adventure.

not alone and not afraid –

kristin

“all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be” Psalm 139

Eight Years

Loved Ones -

How is it possible that it has been eight years since Ray went to heaven? All at once it seems so long and so short. 

I am so grateful for every memory of Ray. We went to Disney over break because Nora was playing in a tournament. Because we've only been there three times, the time with Ray just before Ray got sick, was still fresh in my mind. We would turn a corner and a memory that I hadn't thought of in years would pop up, and I would pass it on to the girls. I am so grateful for every sentence. Every glimpse. 

One of those memories is the memory of the inauguration just before he died. Of course, you all know that Ray loved politics. I remember asking him what he thought during that election. And he would say, it just doesn't matter. It was so hard to hear that because it was of such shared importance during our whole relationship. People ask me all the time what I think he would think about all that has transpired since then. I wish I knew!! It is one of the things I miss most about him being gone!!! I so wish I could ask him. The old him before he got sick, and the person with all perspective later. 

I didn't really have that perspective problem when the Cubs won. I was pretty sure I knew what his thoughts would be and the girls and I did our best to stay true!!

I remember thinking once when we were at the hospital, will I ever hold these painful times as dear, just because they were still with him? I think I have reached that time now. I will take any memory. They are all a connection to him. 

One of the quotes I love the most about Ray is this: "To know Ray, was to be his friend." Today the depth and breadth of that truth was so evident. I am so grateful for the love of all our friends and family who surrounded us in every way today. God's love and Ray's I can feel through all of you. 

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

"All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."

Psalm 139:16

Happy 45th Ray!

Loved Ones,

Happy Birthday Ray!

Today caught me by surprise. It’s been so long that Ray’s been gone that I don’t expect a strongly emotional reaction from myself. The power of time I think.

I always want to honor Ray and mark the day in a special way so I went to my computer to find a picture to post for his birthday. I was looking through all my computer files, all named and arranged by Ray, and came upon the file he had for pictures of himself with the girls.

Love Without End.

And just like that, it broke my heart. 

At the beginning with the grief, my grief was not just for myself and the girls and our loss of Ray. It was for Ray’s loss of us. The pain of that was so great and so deep for him and it was all there in “Love Without End.”

These days my emotional connection to Ray's pain is less. I feel his pain hardly at all. But looking at that file, it was all there. His deep grief that he just wanted to live and be with his girls. That he wanted them to remember him. That he loved them so much.

And yet. He was right that his love was a love without end. 

Just last weekend Nora was battling a tough fight on the soccer field. Her challenge, not just to play well, but to earn her coach’s trust.

One of the hard things about Ray not being here with us on earth is that sometimes when one of my kids needs me, so does the other.

It was Lucy’s turn for me to watch her game, not Nora so she went alone. When it came time for her game to start, though she was in a different city, Maggie, Lucy and I in our car prayed hard for Nora.

I asked her to feel us by her side and her dad too. I asked for all the help that he could give her and that in the end, that when she succeeded, all the glory would go to God.

I got a text a few minutes after Nora got on the field, that she had scored a goal.

Prayer answered.

I was not surprised. I call on Ray sometimes when the strength of my mothering is just not enough. I don’t know what things are like in heaven but I am never disappointed and the reliability and power often brings me to tears.

In that spirit, I will paste the lyrics that I can still hear Ray and the girls singing.

“Let me tell you a secret about a father's love

A secret that my daddy said was just between us

He said daddies don't just love their children every now and then

It's a love without end, Amen, it's a love without end, Amen.”

not alone and not afraid –

kristin

“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you” Mathew 6:28-30

Seven Years

Loved Ones,

January 21 is the seven year anniversary of Ray's death. Or as Lucy and I prefer to put it, the seven year anniversary of his entrance to heaven.

It is impossible to believe that seven years have gone by. Some of those years were so rough! I am so grateful for the steadfast love of our family and friends.

Ray's life was so well lived! Daily we reflect on his gifts. His humor! His joy! His friendship! His strength and faith. When teaching religion I rely on his example so often. And on the faith lessons of that time, always.

I am so honored to be able to be a reflection of his legacy. The Ray Fitzgerald lectureship so honors his faith. Our stomach cancer advocacy, his fight. It is a blessing to all of us to be able to have these opportunities where he and his story just live on and continue to move and bless so many.

I cannot possibly express his impact on me. And the impact of our faith on our lives now.

Of all the meaningful messages during the past seven years, the idea that we are carrying the burden that is "well fitting" stays with me. That God has given each of us the burden that only we can bear. Far more, that this burden is our gift. Our message for the world.

I pray always for the wisdom and grace to teach the lessons God has placed on our hearts for us to teach. To give the gifts the world waits for.

Ray. Thanks for your example of this lesson. We love you and you are always always in our hearts.

not alone and not afraid -

 kristin

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
    his mercies never come to an end;
23 they are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23

Blessed

Loved Ones -

This Tuesday would have been Ray's 44th Birthday.

Last weekend in church our Responsorial Psalm was the Responsorial Psalm from our wedding. In the 14 years since our wedding, I've probably heard that Psalm 2-3 times. So, noteworthy. I loved our Responsorial Psalm, we picked it because it described our children as olive plants. Both Ray and I loved olives, they remind us of the Holy Lands, and it was lovely to think of our children growing in this way. 

The refrain of the Responsorial Psalm (Psalm 128) reads like this:

"Blessed are those who love you, happy those who follow you, blessed are those who seek you, Oh God."

And these are the verses:

"Happy those who fear the Lord and walk in God's pathways, you will find what you long for, the riches of our God."

"Your spouse shall be like a fruitful vine in the midst of your home, your children flourish like olive plants, rejoicing at your table."

"May the blessings of God be yours all the days of your life, may the peace and the love of God live always in your heart."

I can see Ray and I as a young couple picking out this Psalm for our wedding. It creates such a picture doesn't it? It is truly idyllic.

More difficult is the actual picture.

And yet. I will stand on the fact that this Responsorial Psalm is as true for us today as it was then. Truer.

In the Scriptures, blessing is a funny thing. It's not quite what you think.

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

Blessed are those who mourn, for THEY WILL BE COMFORTED.

Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.

Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.

Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.

Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." Matthew 5:3-10

I don't see a whole lot of idyllic in that passage. But I do see truth. Truth I have lived. Truth I have clung to. And I see blessing. Blessing that comes from finding ourselves unequal to the task. Blessing that comes from God's strength, greater than ours can ever be. Blessing from asking only that our lives, our person, be transformed to be like his.

We ARE finding what we long for and boy do we long for it. The riches of God.

Our children ARE like olive plants, they DO rejoice at the table.

The peace and love of God IS ALWAYS in our hearts.

It is not understandable what Ray endured. Neither is God. But he says Blessed. He says the Kingdom of Heaven. I have no doubt that's where Ray is now.

Happy Birthday Ray. It isn't what we thought it would look like but we are blessed.

not alone and not afraid -

kristin

"Thus far has the Lord helped us." I Samuel 7:12

Happy Father's Day Ray

Loved Ones,

Last night we watched the video of our last Father's Day with Ray. I can't believe it's been seven years! After Ray died we watched every single minute of him that we could find on video but that was so long ago, so the girls didn't remember. It was so nice to see him! And so nice for the girls to see how they were. How much he loved them and how much they loved him! Especially for Lucy who has so few memories.

There was a moment when Ray was sick and one of his friends was trying to comfort him. He said, "Don't worry, we'll take care of your kids." After he left Ray said, "I don't want anyone to take care of my kids, I want to take care of them." It was a heartbreak to leave them.

We are so grateful for every minute we had with him. Just seeing those moment with him reminds us of what a wonderful father and husband he was. How much he loved his girls. How much he loved me.

I read a post from a newly widowed woman a few weeks ago. She was lamenting that she wanted "Option A" her husband, not "Option B," a well meaning substitute. She concluded that she was going to do the very best Option B she could, in honor of her husband.

And on that note, I want to say how incredibly grateful I am for all the people who help me every day to do just that.

To the fathers and the mothers who look out for my girls and me. To the dads who make extra jokes with Lucy. To the dads and moms who cheer for Magggie on the field. To the teachers who inspire and nurture Nora in junior high. To the coaches who help them be their best. To the friends and neighbors who support me, who carpool with me, who listen to me agonize over decisions.

To my Dad, who was a WatchDOG Dad at school, to Dean who took Lucy to the Father-Daughter Dance at school. To my brother in laws for all they do to be there for my kids all the time.

God Bless all of you.

Ray, we can never do it the way we wanted to without you but we are grateful, so grateful, for the many hands and hearts who help us do the very best we can without you here on earth with us.

Happy Father's Day in heaven.

not alone and not afraid -

kristin

"A father to the father-less, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling." Psalm 68:5

Ray is Looking Down

Loved Ones,

We have had some wonderful days where Ray's spirit was so present.  The girls and I traveled to Taylor University last Friday for the Ray Fitzgerald Lectureship. I was so thrilled that Ray's story could be shared with the whole student body in chapel. Of all the lasting impacts on me, Ray's faith and spirit are some of the most powerful. I am so glad to have the opportunity to pay tribute to him. And to know anew that all that he taught me, the girls, the world, that it will live on. That it will continue to be shared and that it will continue to grow. As I reflected in my comments - God's path for Ray was the path of the cross. And Ray bore that cross so faithfully. God be praised for the witness and testimony of his faithful servant.

This weekend was Lucy's first communion. Oh! The days! It is hard to have Ray miss that one! Lucy was so beautiful. And though her memories of Ray are few her connection and love for him are strong. She was so faithful and so excited for the true faith step. I told her over and over how proud Ray was and how much I knew he was looking down at her with joy.

After the Taylor Lectureship Lucy and I were driving downtown to spend the night at "Dozin' with the Dinos" at the Field Museum and the song, "See you again" came on. "It's been a long day without you my friend and I'll tell you all about it when I see you again..."

Oh Ray, they are long and happy days and I pray that you can see and know the joy of them in heaven.  We will tell you all about them when we see you again.

not alone and not afraid -

kristin

"Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds." John 12:24

Six Years

Loved Ones,

Today marks the sixth anniversary of Ray's death.  This Sunday we met Ray's family for mass, brunch and a visit to Ray's grave.  We all remembered our favorite things about Ray.  When we got in the car to go home the girls said, "Why didn't you tell us this about Daddy?"  The stories we remembered to them were new.

I remember that when Ray was sick I used to think to myself, will I ever be nostalgic for these very hard days? It was so very hard, and so painful, it was difficult to imagine that I would ever long to go back to those times.

As we were decorating the Christmas tree, we listened to a Christmas song we hardly ever listen to, a song that was indelibly marked as being from that time.  I asked Nora, what do you think of when you hear that song?  She said, the hospital.  So it wasn't just me, it was a true relic of those days.  I asked her if it made her feel sad but she just remembered the association, less the feeling.

That song for me will forever be sad.  But I listened to it on repeat that day and many days afterward.  I don't wish for the sadness, but I was moved by the connection.

When Ray died I knew that it would be hard for Lucy to remember the connection she had with her dad so I documented it.  In journal entries written in the months after Ray died, I laid out for her just how she felt about him as a baby.  The things she said. What she remembered.

Six years later, I was right that it is hard to remember the connection to her dad she so longs for.  I am so grateful for that journal!  It is exactly what I hoped it would be, a reminder of how much she was marked by her dad, even at age one!

I reflected often as I wrote that I couldn't believe how well the girls did.  That my only answer was the prayers of so many.  Likewise today, it is by the grace of God and to his glory that we are doing so well. We are grateful to you for the many prayers God answers on our behalf.

January 6th would have been our 14th anniversary.  Always on that day I think of the vows we made. Though we had the traditional service, our vow was just a tiny bit different than the traditional. Instead of vowing till death do us part, our vow was simple.  We vowed to love each other all the days of our life.

All the days of our lives sweet Ray.  We are loving you and remembering you.

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

"I will remember my covenant between me and you." Genesis 9:15

Happy Birthday Ray

Loved Ones,

When Ray was sick I had this burning sense of purpose for the email to all of you.  As I went about tasks, I was thinking about the message, it was always on my heart.  Likewise today my heart is burning to share with you.

It is, I feel, one of the true tributes I can offer Ray, to remember him here for those who knew him.  On Facebook, to educate those who didn't.  So that all the things we love about him live on.  In some cases, live on anew.

I think of Ray so often.  Like he was when he was alive, he is truly the good angel on my shoulder.  There are few people who are so generous of spirit - kind of heart - giving of time - filled with joy!

That was our Ray!

I know I will never be the same having had him as an example.  I pray for more energy to try harder to be like him.  So that by some small way in me, my children will glimpse a fraction of the person their dad was!!

I thank the many people who by their own generosity of spirit, show my children the ways that Ray impacted them and the qualities that he was!!

Just by its very nature, the task of being a widow gives me less of these traits!  I reflected the other day, that perhaps this is the task of today's widows, to recover not the physical riches, the emotional ones that are lacking due to the nature of loss.

We have gone to many masses this weekend in Ray's honor.  Not coincidentally, one of the Scriptures this weekend was from Ray's funeral.  And it reminded me that it will always be a bit cloudy, our understanding of God's plan.  But that there will be a day where there is no more sadness and death is swallowed up forever.

Joy will reign.

If I focus on earthly pain, there is no end.  But if I focus on this fact, there is a way through.

To God be the glory.

Happy Birthday Ray.

not alone and not afraid -

kristin

Isaiah 25:6-9

"On this mountain the Lord Almighty will prepare a feast of rich food for all peoples, a banquet of aged wine—  the best of meats and the finest of wines.  On this mountain he will destroy the shroud that enfolds all peoples, the sheet that covers all nations; he will swallow up death forever. The Sovereign Lord will wipe away the tears from all faces; he will remove his people’s disgrace from all the earth. The Lord has spoken.  In that day they will say,“Surely this is our God; we trusted in him, and he saved us. This is the Lord, we trusted in him;  let us rejoice and be glad in his salvation.”

Happy Father's Day Ray

Loved Ones,

Thoughts of Ray are all around us.  This spring the girls have missed him so much, especially Lucy.  I think they are all so used to life without him but sometimes his absence is a such a hole.  There is a program at school called Watch DOGS (Dads of Great Students).  The girls have declined offers to have someone "sub" for Ray but they miss having him there.  Lucy told me she dreamed that her dad came back and was a Watch DOG. The Father Daughter dance this year was similar, we had many tears of grief that Ray is just not able to do this with them, we know he would have loved to do this so much.

For the past five months I've been trying to decide whether to take the girls to Europe this summer.  I've studied and googled, I have almost the whole trip planned, tickets on hold, it's just hard to make the decision, that is always hard for me.

We were in church tonight for the Father's Day mass, the decision was all I could think about.

This whole trip is such a connection with Ray.  The only person I've ever traveled with is Ray, we went to Paris and got engaged and managed to fit in two more Europe trips before kids.  It is magical and it is him.  Like pennies burning in my pocket I feel a burn to get the kids to Europe.  It's the thing I most wish we could have done with Ray that we didn't do.

I was thinking in church of all the things that remind me of him with travel, even just coming into Dulles Airport when we had just gotten engaged.

The travel prices I have been watching for months dropped last night and the flight that I found went through Dulles.  It felt so comforting to see that, so similar. The exact same experience Ray and I had.

And why wouldn't I go -- do anything to connect with Ray.  He would be so thrilled for us to go, so glad for the connection to him, never mind the wonder of the actual experience.

It's hard to go alone.  Not that I am not used to that!  There are just so many things to worry over, the long flight, the expense, the worry of the kids ages.  I could simply make so many excuses.

These thoughts were swirling and as we went up for communion the song Taste and See started playing.  Gosh, that song reminds me of Ray!  He used to sing "sit and scoot" as the girls would scoot down the stairs just to that same tune.  It was so sweet and I just think of him.

After the mass the girls and I were talking about it and I was trying to tell them the connections to Ray and we drove by a green Saturn!  The Shimkus-mobile we used to call Ray's green Saturn.  The girls turned around to look and the the license plate said "Fitz."

Oh Ray.  We are thinking of you.  We got your messages!  We wish you a Happy Father's Day.  We sure do miss you a lot.  We'll keep thinking of you and seeking out the things that make us feel closer.

This day can never be the same without you.

not alone and not afraid -

kristin

"Behold, what manner of love the Father hath bestowed upon us, that we should be called the sons of God"
I John 3:3

Five Years

Loved Ones,

Today is the five year anniversary of Ray's death.

I've been reflecting on Ray so much.  I am always amazed by Ray's attitude during his illness.  When Ray was diagnosed with cancer, with a few exceptions, he consistently had the worst possible case scenarios.  Yet he endured all that without complaint.  Not without sadness.  But without complaint.  I admire this so much -- such a testimony to his faith and spirit that he could bear this heavy load.

We gathered at mass Sunday with Ray's family and mine in Ray's honor.  Our reading talked about how it wasn't enough for Christ to be a servant.  He was to be a light for the nations.

I feel that way with Ray.  He was God's servant, but that wasn't enough.  His example, his light, his witness was to be a story for others.  A guiding light.  Something to look up to.

I feel that way about him.  Whenever I think to complain I think of him and I try desperately not to do it.   Not that Ray was super human!!  But he was good.  He was good like that even before he was sick and after watching him when he was sick, I just feel like to honor his memory, how can I complain?

I have already been given so much!  Five more years!  Five more years than Ray!  Each hour, each day, each week with my girls a blessing to me and something I wish he could have experienced.  I know he must savor this from heaven!  But here.  To hug these girls here.  To see these moments here.

I know so many of you are thinking of him because you're calling me or emailing me.

When the girls were leaving that last time, I asked Ray if he had anything else to say to them and he said, "Remember me."

Today and every day we remember you Ray.  We remember your light.  We remember your uncomplaining spirit.  We remember your unshakable faith.

In your honor -- we won't complain. We will live each day like everything could change tomorrow -- because of you - we know it can.

We will do our best to work our hardest for the things that have the most value.  Our faith.  Our family.  The causes and cases that strengthen others and pass on love, kindness and value.

And Ray.  We will do our best to rid the world of cancer.  To spare others from what you endured. Another young friend of ours was recently lost to cancer and his father made this observation at his funeral.  He contrasted the 58,000 Americans that were lost through Vietnam to the over 600,000 Americans we lose each year to cancer -- asking why we are not protesting in the streets.  Preach it Mr. Battle.  Over the years we have done a lot of advocacy for our fellow cancer patients and families.  Each year we hope that advocacy turns into actual progress for patients.  I will say this, we will not stop until it does.

And so.  A memory.  A rallying cry.  An example for the ages.

Ray, we miss you.  We remember you.  We will not stop.  And we will savor each day, loving the blessing of life, wishing you were here to savor with us.

not alone and not afraid -

kristin

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.  Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam  and the mountains quake with their surging.  There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells.  God is within her, she will not fall;  God will help her at break of day. Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;   he lifts his voice, the earth melts.  The Lord Almighty is with us;  the God of Jacob is our fortress.  Psalm 46:1-7

Happy Anniversary Ray

Loved Ones,

Today was supposed to be our first day back to school but the cold weather gave us a few more days of break.  The girls cheered!!!  When I was putting Lucy to bed last night I told her that today was our Anniversary.  She was so excited!!  When she woke up I was on a conference call but she ran into the room and said, "Happy Anniversary!"

I am so glad to remember this day even with Ray gone.  Through the years we've done different things to remember.  Ray and I always had chocolates and champagne!  The girls and I look at pictures or watch the video.  I am so glad to continue the celebration of our love and commitment.

Of course we wish so much that Ray was here to dance with us!  I am sorry that the girls will never get to see that side of him personally.  He was such a great dancer!

A friend posted a quote on Facebook a few days ago and I just wanted to cheer.  It was something so beautiful about how our life is for others - that contributing our very best effort for others is such an honorable way to live life.  That was RAY.  No complaining.  No worrying about his own happiness.  Doing his best at his job, at his life.  Living and loving others.

So in your honor Ray I was planning our lobby day and our hill briefing on stomach cancer today on this day. And I will be at School Board later tonight working hard!

You will always live on in us.

not alone and not afraid -

kristin

"For me to live is Christ..." Phillippians 1:21

Oh Holy Night

Loved Ones,

I know it's not Christmas but it's coming soon.  This weekend I am not sure if it is the cold air, the Starbucks red cups, or the Hallmark Channel's Countdown to Christmas Movies, but we turned on the Christmas music.

My favorite Christmas song I think of all time is "Oh Holy Night."

On my computer I have a copy of an instrumental version done by a New Orleans Jazz Group shortly after the Hurricane.  We saw in on TV and Ray found the version for me because I loved it.  I am techno-challenged and when Ray was sick another friend came and put that version on my computer.

I love it.  I think of Ray and I think of overcoming.

Another dear friend of mine lost her husband to cancer this summer.  We had reflected on that song last year.  I was caught by the "weary world rejoices..."  She by "A thrill of hope..."

Which are you this year?  As we enter the holiday season I'm not sure.

I am grateful for a God who holds our weariness in his hand and gives us reason to hope.

This Christmas season I pray for more hope than weariness.  I pray that like the City of New Orleans, we are able to overcome.

not alone and not afraid -

kristin

"A thrill of hope, the weary world rejoices, for yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.  Fall on your knees.  Oh hear the angel voices.  Oh night divine.  Oh night when Christ was born."  Oh Holy Night
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I4YMxGUiwyY

Ray Birthday Part Two

Loved Ones,

Thanks for your emails and posts on this special day.

This morning I was listening to the Rent soundtrack's "Seasons of Love."  It was such a poignant song on this day, asking the question how do you measure the life of a man?

The song's answer, in seasons of love was running through my mind this whole day.

I watched that love play soccer this morning.

I ate lunch with that love this afternoon.

I rode bikes with that love this evening.

Nora, Maggie and Lucy, your legacies of love will carry you with them always.  When their eyes sparkle, when they give that easy grin, when they choose not to make a fuss over something small or large.

That legacy of un-measurable love will live in my heart always. In the hearts of your sisters.  In the hearts of your daughters.  In the hearts of your friends, of your family.

We miss you, we honor you, above all, we love and remember you on this day.

not alone and not afraid --

kristin