Eleven Years

Loved Ones,

Today marks 11 years since Ray went to heaven. 11 years!! 

11 years has so much significance to me because Ray and I dated three and a half years and were married eight. He was in my life eleven and a half years. And thus, this year will hold the day when I have had more time without him, than with him.

Yet, I can’t truly be without him.

He is here in the girls – in Maggie’s jokes, in Lucy’s toes, in Nora’s way.

And he is here in me. Through his life he changed us – and he lives on always in those changes.

I am grateful to all of you for remembering him today and always. And for bringing us his light when you share your memories and remember his spirit.

I’m posting today the best pictures I can find that show his true spirit.

That, I miss the most.

not alone and not afraid –

kristin

“On this mountain… he will swallow up death forever. The Sovereign Lord will wipe away the tears from all faces;” Isaiah 25:7-8

Happy Birthday Ray!

Loved Ones,

This would be Ray’s 48^th birthday. This year he would be the father of two teens and one almost-teen. 

One of the hardest things about losing Ray was that we lost him so early. The girls don’t know what he would have been like as a dad that introduces himself to their Homecoming dates, tells them what not to wear, teaches them to drive, visits prospective colleges.

None of us truly know what it would have been like, but I know the most about the things Ray would have brought to their life.

I loved dating Ray. We went to the theater, we played games, we danced, we dined, we traveled.

I have tried to bring them what I know Ray would want. I would not stop until I got them to Paris!

However, I can be super practical. The extraordinary gesture is more him than I.

This birthday I bought them tickets to Hamilton!

Their dad was lavish in his love and care.

I wish so much that they could know this in their hearts. That they had one dance with their dad. That they heard his jokes! His laugh! I know he would buy them roses on their sixteenth, patiently teach them to drive, have more inside jokes than they can imagine, watch Sox games, and yes, go to the theater.

I can’t wait to surprise them with the tickets for Thanksgiving weekend in his honor.

May they feel his love and care in their hearts.

not alone and not afraid –

kristin

"See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!" 1 John 3:1

10 Years in Heaven

Loved Ones,

Today marked 10 years with Ray in Heaven.

We celebrated Ray all weekend, with a mass by Father Brankin, at an Irish bar, at the grave and with family meals.

It was so good to see our friends and family and celebrate Ray with them.

I've been writing Ray's story the last six month. It has connected us so deeply with Ray's struggle with cancer.

Though we always remember Ray, the stories we tell are usually about his humor and who he was before cancer. Going through all the memories has brought back how it felt to endure this very difficult journey.

Remembering this has brought new insights and renewed mission. Over Christmas we spent time at the same cancer ward that we spent that last Christmas with Ray. We made cards and delivered them to patients. I thought it would be terrible to connect to the struggle others are now facing. I felt glad. I felt glad to use those very hard memories to help others.

Being with those who face the threat of their very life, brings back just how inspirational Ray was as he coped with this same threat. Over time the things I say about him lose the freshness of that feeling. Writing the story and connecting with others in the same spot, brings it all back.

Ray really was this amazing. He really did deal with this incredibly sad loss with such grace, sacrifice, and acceptance. Without complaint. With God at his side.

I know this. I've known this. It has influenced so greatly my own path in going forward after losing him. But, it's good to have a fresh reminder, even for me. To remember this perspective. To remember how much we have with each day. To remember that he was blessed. And that we are. And to feel that, not with strife, but with love. In truth. To then use these gifts in love.

It's the task of life.

We remember all of you Ray. We remember your humor, your partnership, your kindness to others. But we especially your example. You set the bar really high. Right up to heaven.

You are in our hearts always.

not alone and not afraid -

kristin

"Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they will be filled. Blessed are the merciful, for they shall be shown mercy. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God. Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called the sons of God. Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." Mathew 5:2-10

"Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth." I John 3:18

Ray's 47th Birthday

Happy Birthday Ray!!


We've been thinking about Ray all fall. I want the girls to know more of Ray, more of his story and I've been digging in to the memories. He's constantly on our minds.


Maggie is doing a paper for school about children who have lost a parent. She interviewed me.


Ray, who he was and losing him to heaven so soon makes me who I am.


It influences every part of who I am as a mother -- and thus every part of who they will be.


I'm on a soccer trip with Maggie this weekend and the girls are with my mom and dad.


We've never been apart on Ray's birthday but such is life and today we are.


Never in the entire time of their soccer careers have they ever played on the South Side.


Tonight, Nora's game was at Marist High School - so near to Ray's Brother Rice.


There has been no question in my mind that Ray would be there with Nora while I was gone.


But I really missed him here in St. Louis.


I asked him if he could help Maggie with a birthday goal while she wore his lucky number 13 on October 13th, his birthday.


Game winner that goal!


As I drove out of the complex I saw a political sign. It wasn't until then that I realized that Maggie was playing in John Shimkus' district - Ray's boss.


One on the South Side. One in Shimkusland.


We needed Ray here too. And he was here.


Happy Birthday Ray. You're here with us everyday. But especially today.


not alone and not afraid --


kristin


"As for me, this is my covenant with them," says the Lord. "My spirit, who is on you, will not depart from you, and my words that I have put in your mouth will always be on your lips, on the lips of your children and on the lips of their descendants -- from this time on and forever," says the Lord." Isaiah 59:21

The 9th Anniversary of Ray's Entrance to Heaven

Loved Ones,

Today marks nine years since Ray entered heaven. He will be ever-present in our thoughts.

In Ray's own words, it is a "Love without End." He loved that song by George Stait, he taught it to the girls and the pictures he loved the most are arranged in a folder with this name. The pictures I post today are from that folder.

We remember him always and we miss him so much today and everyday. I know he would be so proud of all the girls are doing in school, in soccer and in life! It is a grief for all of us that we can't share this with him - the good times and bad.

But, we know he watches over us, and we are grateful for every reminder of our connection still and the many memories we have when we were together.

We are so grateful for our family and friends - many who knew him - some who did not. We know that the love, empathy and prayers you so generously bestow on us are God's arms around us -- helping us to continue on in faithfulness with thoughts of Ray in our hearts.

not alone and not afraid -

kristin

"Comfort, comfort my people,
    says your God.
 Speak tenderly to Jerusalem,
    and proclaim to her
that her hard service has been completed,
    that her sin has been paid for,
that she has received from the Lord’s hand
    double for all her sins." Isaiah 40:1-2

Happy 46th Birthday Ray

Loved Ones -

With my three girls in travel soccer we are driving up and down 294 often. Lucy and I were heading to South Holland for a game a few weeks ago on 294. When we are heading to Indiana this way we always watch for Holy Sepulchre Cemetery to come up on the left but this time it caught us by surprise. I wouldn't have imagined how much we would love being able to drive by and almost see right to Ray's grave but we do. We always call out a message. This time was no different.

We sure miss Ray! This fall has been more busy than any other and any connection we find to him we cherish! I wouldn't have imagined how much soccer would have me on 294 either back then so it seems like divine planning that we have that special gift as we barrel down the highway on our way.

For Ray's birthday we were interviewed by our local neighborhood magazine. We talked about his love of White Sox and hatred of Cubs. When we were in DC last we ran into a hill staffer who recounted how Ray had called her when the White Sox won the World Series to make sure that the speech she wrote for her boss to give on the House floor was adequately full of White Sox facts. That was like found gold to have that new memory and to picture Ray calling.

We'll be thinking of him today and missing him more than any other! Happy Birthday Ray!!

not alone and not afraid -

kristin

"I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers." Ephesians 1:16

Reaching Paris

Loved Ones,

I write this with joy and anticipation. I wrote three years ago about wanting to travel to Europe. I am so excited to say that we are on our way later tonight.

What a journey this has been. Emblematic of the journey of life itself, this long-awaited trip has been in the corner of my mind since I last wrote.

We are so excited to see the places that Ray and I traveled in Paris, and to connect with those memories. We are equally excited to make memories of our own.

Many things are similar to the first trip Ray and I took so many years ago when we got engaged. Can it be that this is 17 years later?

We are grateful for your prayers and wanted you to share in our joy and our adventure.

not alone and not afraid –

kristin

“all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be” Psalm 139