Fitzgerald Family

3 Years

2012-01-18T20:59:00.003-06:00

Loved Ones,

Saturday will be the third anniversary of Ray's death. We will spend the day with family, honoring Ray with Masses in his memory and thinking of him.

It's hard to believe that it has been three years since he died. For Lucy and Maggie, it's been more time without him than with him.

But his memory is large. Even though he is not here, he is a constant presence in our family. The girls pray each night for Mommy and Daddy, not distinguishing between presence here or in heaven.

They know who smiles like him, who likes milk like him, that he would be glad that we were singing silly songs, that he would be embarassed that we made a fuss. They know him.

After Ray died a friend wrote me a letter and said that after some time the grief would subside and I would feel the wound of his loss less, and simply be grateful for the time that he was here. I think that's true. Though I'll always wish he was with us, though I still miss him terribly, I am truly grateful just for the fact that he was here at all. That he marked my life. That he gave me the girls.

And I know that's true for many of you.

How grateful I am for the mark he made on the world. On our friends. On our families.

Ray. We are thinking of you so much on this anniversary and always.

Love always,

kristin

"Give thanks to the Lord for he is good, his love endures forever." Psalm 136:1

Happy New Year 2012

2012-01-05T18:05:00.005-06:00

Loved Ones,

We had a wonderful time at Disney. We sure remembered our time there with Ray four years ago, and we made very special new memories together.

We thank you for your love and friendship in 2011 and we look forward to 2012 -- we pray for a year filled with faith, hope, joy and love.

Tomorrow would have been our 11th anniversary. How grateful I am for Ray. His mark will always be on me and on our girls. He gave us each other, and because of this, our lives will always be full of joy.

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

My Uncle Sam read these verses at our wedding; how well they capture to me our task in walking this life on earth.

"Hear O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your forehead. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates." Deuteronomy 6:4-9

Christmas

2011-12-27T00:07:00.002-06:00

Loved Ones,

We had a very nice Christmas. The girls were overjoyed with their Christmas present -- a surprise trip to Disney -- and we all look forward to heading to Florida in a few days.

As if I need to say this, but faith is everything.

I struggled this Christmas. I have learned enough about what to expect from the holidays that I know how to manage them for myself. And that makes a huge difference. We keep busy at the right times and I adjust expectations at other times and that really helps.

In addition, thanks to the Christmas chain, we just kept enjoying Christmas no matter how many errands were calling my name. (The Christmas Chain is my family's tradition -- one Christmas activity for each day. The girls and I are faithful to the Chain and we did all kinds of fun things together each day of December)

But the joy of the season was a struggle for me. To quote the lyrics of my favorite Christmas song Oh Holy Night, I really felt more the "weary world" than the "thrill of hope."

Even Disney. As glad as I am to go for the girls sake, I know it will be difficult, thinking of our last time there, just before Ray got sick, and wishing he could be there now.

But God is faithful. I was teaching Religious Ed a few weeks ago for Nora's class and I was reminded of one of the great truths from Ray's funeral. Thinking of what I had to do, bury Ray, I just thought, I can't do it! But when Father Brankin started the prayers and the liturgy, focusing on Christ, I knew I could do it. Likewise. When teaching Nora's class my mind was off of what I had to do, and focused on my source of strength. And I knew I could do it.

But far more than that. Through a variety of events over the season, God has shown me that he cares not just that I can do it. But how I feel doing it. Just, a reminder that he has joy for me. Not everyday!! There's been a long dry spell! But some days! And some moments!

My joy at this recollection is great.

I want to thank all of you who we heard from this Christmas and Thanksgiving. We love and adore all of our friends and we are tremendously thankful for you. You are part of the joy in our lives.

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

"Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me."
Psalm 51:12

Ray's 40th

2011-10-11T10:50:00.003-05:00

Loved Ones,

This Thursday October 13, would have been Ray's 40th birthday.

His friends and family will honor him in many ways this week, as they have throughout the summer at events such as the Third Annual Ray Fitzgerald Illinois Delegation Softball Tournament, and the Ray Fitzgerald White Lake Classic Golf Tournament.

This Friday night will be the inaugeral Ray Fitzgerald Lectureship at Taylor University. There, Ray's lasting legacy will be an annual lecture dedicated to Ray's Catholic faith, honoring him as an example of faith, to educate and inspire decades of Taylor students. All of Ray's family and mine will be present for this special event. And I will tell our story.

Reflecting on it as I have been writing it into my comments for this Friday is still very hard. Just as I honor Ray's dedication to his wife and daughters I miss his presence.

I am so proud of the way that Ray's life and faith did and will inspire so many. That it lives as a testimony of faith to the world.

As part of the lecture, I reflect that this was Ray's task for the Kingdom. His life, his Christian witness.

And now is my task. The telling of the story. The living of the life that continues. Still as a testament to faith.

A few months ago the reading for our church service was Matthew 11:30, "For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." The speaker explained that what was meant by "easy" was well-fitting.

I struggle to find the yoke easy and well-fitting. Yes, there are days, the good days, when I can praise God for all that has been accomplished through him from all that has occurred. And I can even say, well fitting, well suited, capable to the task. But there are many days when the burden seems anything but light, the task anything but well fitting.

And that's the truth of it.

There are just those tasks, those jobs in the Kingdom that are hard. The ones that don't have a lot of volunteers.

Ray had one of those jobs, the hardest of hard. And in a different way, I do too.

The struggle is to somehow find the task-master's presence enough to lighten the load. And to remember, and be at peace with, the breadth and importance of the task.

Ray did those things!!

And I pray these things for my life.

May Ray's example be my constant reminder and inspiration.

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

"Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble of heart. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Matthew 11:29-30

Nora's Communion

2011-05-07T22:35:00.002-05:00

Loved Ones,

Nora had her First Communion celebration today. It was a wonderful day, commencing with a celebratory church service and ending with a special celebration of family and friends.

No one would have loved this day more than Ray. In so many ways I could feel his joy today with our beautiful daughter and our special celebration.

Thank you to the many friends who surrounded our precious daughter and our whole family with love today.

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

"Then Jesus declared, "I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never be hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty." John 6:35

Easter

2011-04-25T21:52:00.005-05:00

Loved Ones,

I think the discussions of Jesus' death on the cross at Easter bring up Ray's death for the girls. Lucy asked me today if she could write a cross on her forehead for her dad. I said of course, and she promptly did so, a pink one, sideways on her forehead. She did not use washable marker! And after I did my best to wash it off in the bath, she got out and wrote another one.

I am glad for any reminder of Ray for them. I wish it wasn't a reminder of his death, but I am so glad he feels close for Lucy.

She has not expressed too many outward signs of grief about her dad's death, just given her age, but thoughts of him were with her all day and she told me tonight how sad she was because she wanted to tell him something.

I said, let's tell him! Let's tell him, I'm sure he is listening.

She said, "can we open the window?"

So we opened the window and she called out to him that Meredith next door broke her arm and that Nora was getting a new desk in her room.

After a few more things, she settled in bed, with the window open.

I hear you girl. There are so many times that I wish I could tell Ray so many many things.

I felt the need for his presence especially this weekend too. At the Easter Vigil Service at our church I was received into full Communion in the Catholic Church. It was an enormously big step, one that I wished Ray was able to support me in. And the beautiful service reminded me so much of my wedding. There's a part in our wedding video, I've just arrived from down the aisle and we've taken our places at the kneelers in the front of the church. "How are you doing?" Ray asks me.

I wished so much he was at my side at that service, asking me how I was doing.

I pray that he was. And that my remembrance of him at our wedding was his way of sending me that little message. Just a little courage and solidarity along the way.

"How are you doing Lucy?" "Thanks for keeping me up to date."

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." Matthew 5:4

A Message from Ray

2011-04-03T20:42:00.004-05:00

We got your message Ray! The girls and their Grandad and I were painting our guest room this weekend. It is to be Nora's new room; Maggie and Nora having too much stuff to cram into one space. Grandad and I worked hard all day and we were almost finished. He suggested we just paint over the vent in the room, but I wanted to leave it white so he unscrewed the cover and lifted it off to find: NORA

A love note! A love note from her Dad written before he ever knew that this would be her room. Written when he thought he would be painting her rooms forever. But now, something linking her Dad to her present, her new room, the Nora that is growing older.

We do not always have the opportunity to tell our own story. Sometimes others have to carry on our legacy for us. How glad I am for actions like this that remind us of Ray. The Dad that painted his daughter's name inside the vent. A secret love note.

What is lost is found.

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

"Jesus answered, "He was born blind so that the works of God might be revealed in him." John 9:3

Happy Birthday Lucy

2011-03-11T07:06:00.003-06:00

Loved Ones,

Today is Lucy's birthday. My sweet darling girl, not even two when her dad died, is four years old. My energetic, creative, strong-willed baby girl is growing up! How much her father would have loved to see her with goggles on swimming in the pool, talking about "fonge bob," writing her name in preschool, playing her barbies!

A few weeks ago Lucy was at her uncle's house and he offered to dance with her while she waited for her turn on the karaoke. Lucy was overjoyed. She danced and danced and flipped and smiled. Her uncle decided to get a drink of water and Lucy followed on his heels and stood and waited while he drank until she could pull him back to the dance floor. Likewise, last weekend at the pool, a friend's dad began playing wtih Lucy while he played with his son. I will not forget the sight of Lucy hanging over the pool rope with unadulterated joy on her face as her friend's dad threw her a toy to find in the pool or picked her up and helped her make a big splash.

The girls are very happy, well adjusted ladies. They are not somber. They do not not appear to be in mourning. But when they have the opportunity to play with a dad, it is the one time you can see what they are missing. They can't stop. They want to play and play. They have found what they need, what they are missing, the need they don't even think about or know, except when it is presented in front of them.

We have a choice in this world.

Everytime I see this situation play out I could be angry for my children. Angry that their wonderful father isn't here to shower upon them the attention and love that they need and deserve. Sad, that they are missing this so deeply, so greatly, so obviously.

I could think these thoughts every time. Forever.

I choose instead to be glad. So glad that I am there to give them everything I can. And in those moments where they can play with a dad, so glad that they can joyfully gain what they need. Glad at the joy in their faces when they experience what some children have everyday. Glad that they are not embarrassed, glad that they are joyful, unashamedly enjoying the love of someone standing in the gap. For a moment. For an hour.

To all those friends and family out there, the ones that say hello to Maggie and Lucy when they walk by them, cheer extra hard for Nora on the soccer field, put them on their shoulders, throw them in the pool, thank you. Thank you for being there for my children. Whether or not you knew their father, you can be sure that HE KNOWS YOU.

Happy Birthday Lucy girl.

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

"Zion said, "The Lord has forsaken me; my Lord has forgotten me." Can a mother forget her infant, be without tenderness for the child of her womb? Even should she forget, I will never forget you." Isaiah 49:14-15

The New Life

2011-02-28T13:06:00.002-06:00

Loved Ones,

I'm taking a class at church and during the class we reflect on the week's readings. A few weeks ago we reflected on a reading that spoke of the fact that God uses those who are weak, not those who are strong; foolish, not wise; to show that HE is responsible for the good, the wisdom, the strength in this world. The reading from Corinthians went on to say that "God chose the lowly and despised of the world, those who count for nothing, to reduce to noting those that are something, so that no human being might boast before God... so that it is written "whoever boasts, should boast in the Lord."

Our leaders asked what we thought of when we read these verses and I thought it sounded a lot like my life.

One of the things that is so unfathomable about our story is that it seemed like we had a lot more power to do good before. First, there were two of us, me plus Ray. And second, to phrase it in the words of this verse, we were "something." Not that we were anything powerful, but it seemed as if we were in a place where we were much more capable of doing a whole lot more.

And now.

In addition to losing Ray here, losing his human presence, a lot more has changed. I am nothing of what I was before. Such an event, is so person-altering. My understanding of the world, of God, of our place in the world. To say nothing of the fact that my life now bears so little similarity to my life before. How I spend my time, on what, with whom. It is all different.

In many ways my life has boiled down to two areas. But two areas that are very much alive. My girls. My faith.

So today, what I pour my energy and attention into are things that touch those areas. And thus, the way I impact the world, the people I touch, relate to those things. Far different than before, and I think one might say, in the eyes of the world, far smaller.

Last night I taught my daughter's religion class at my house. The nine little second graders filed in, and we studied the importance of scripture. Something that I well know. I didn't share with this class how, when I look at the blog from when Ray was sick, how what stands out to me, are the verses. How, even now, I am uplifted, just reading them. Knowing their strength, their hope, in those times when I could barely stand. I didn't share that with my second graders. But that perspective is in my heart. And as I talked to them, those days, that strength of scripture came across.

Our parent volunteer commented after the lesson. Wow, you are really connecting with those kids. They are really learning something. It's really inspiring.

And really, for all the energy I spent before, for all those much wider circles, what could possibly be more important than this?

To me, there is really only one response. TO. GOD. BE. THE. GLORY.

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

"Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds." John 12:24

2nd Anniversary

2011-01-21T08:18:00.002-06:00

Loved Ones,

As most of you know, today marks the 2nd Anniversary of Ray's death. We will be spending the day with family, both mine and Ray's, celebrating Ray's life. And I am glad for the occasion to celebrate him. I hope to make this anniversary this year and every year more about his life than his death. Last year I gave our families green crosses to commemorate Ray, this year, "remembrance" angels. I like marking the day with something, and having something to think of Ray with. I wished though that I could do something for Ray -- some gift to him. It is always hard to figure out what that would be -- something for his grave, something in my heart, something to carry his memory. One of the things I like about this day is the chance to spend time talking about Ray, much more than about his fighting cancer, but about him and who he was. There are so many people who miss him, and so many who will never know him. To talk about him brings him a little closer. And so I thought that my gift to him today would be to talk about him.

So. Today I am thankful to my sweetheart Ray for Maggie's twinkle in her eye. It is the same one that her father had. It is a joy to see and recognize. And I am so glad for his winks. All three of those girls have them! They wink at me and I see him! I am thankful that he taught me how to cherish family, and I am thankful for the family he gave me. I am thankful that he taught me about the Catholic faith; he was a living testament to it. I am thankful that he taught me and the girls how to be Southside Irish, to love the Sox and hate the Cubs, to listen to the Saw Doctors, and eat Irish brown bread. I am glad that he told me that Nora wouldn't have a heart attack riding a roller coaster, and that he rode one with her. I am thankful for White Lake! I am thankful for every memory he made with those little girls, jumping off rafts, riding double bike, watching Incredibles and Animal Planet. I am so glad he was good at sports, I think of him when I watch those girls play, that easy talent! I am so glad for his lightness, his humor, his good nature! I pray that those qualities are imprinted on the souls of those little girls! I am thankful that he told me, probably far too often, not to complain. I am thankful for his friendship and for sharing politics with him. What fun that was! I am thankful for how much he loved our friends and for the friends we had together. Most, I am thankful for the mark that he made on my life, the minutes we had together, the person that I was with him and am still because of him.

Our tenth wedding anniversary was earlier this month and the girls and I watched our wedding video. Ray had played a tiny secret joke on me in the ceremony and he was so entertained by it. It was so sweet to see and to see him savoring this and many other moments.

When I think of Ray that's what I think of: JOY. LOVE. FAITH. HAPPINESS.

I know my husband has all those things now. And I know he wishes them for us too.

I pray that on this day we will feel his presence even as we reflect on his absence. And that we will be comforted and inspired by the mark he has made on our lives.

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

"The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, becasue the LORD has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor... to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion-- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor. Isaiah 61:1-3

A Love Song to Ray's Family

2010-12-23T05:49:00.002-06:00

Loved Ones,

Last Saturday and Sunday Nora danced in the Nutcracker. She practiced every week from October on and we all eagerly anticipated her performances. Many special people came to see her, friends and family, showing her just how much she was loved.

This was a day her father would have enjoyed so much, watching Nora dance in the Nutcracker Ballet she's seen every year since she was three.

Ray's whole family came to see the show, and to a special dinner at our house beforehand to celebrate Nora's performance and her birthday the week before. In no way could Ray have been more present to Nora and to me, than through the loving kindness of his special family.

Each cousin, even those just arriving from college, celebrating this special day with Nora. My mother in law treasuring the day with me. My brother in laws, taking pictures, hauling table leaves, fetching and warming up the car. My sister in laws helping in the kitchen with me and waving just as wildly as I did when Nora arrived on stage. Even those far away, calling and celebrating with Nora. Each special thing Ray would have done, showing us always, his love and devotion. It was all there this Sunday, we were surrounded by his family, just as if his loving arms encircled us at Nora's performance.

It was a day I remembered so much just why I fell in love with my special husband. It was a day I know he shared with us.

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

"We always thank God for you all of you and continually mention you in our prayers." I Thessalonians 1:1

Thanksgiving

2010-12-02T20:08:00.002-06:00

Loved Ones,

I've been working on this post for a few months, trying to put into words how we are doing, how we are feeling, what life is like for us now.

The truth is that it is still very hard. I hesitate even to write this, knowing what Ray endured, and silently. And, we certainly have joy! Many times! I am so thankful for the girls and for all the joy we have together. For the team that we are.

But, though the terrible stages of grief have gone, I am many times still filled with loss. New losses, old losses. The pain of living a life alone you expected to live with the person you loved so dearly. The solitary nature of life as a widow.

I continue to be surprised by this. I think I thought that we would get a break after Ray died. That, having endured that loss, there would be some kind of heavenly pardon from the loneliness, the anxiety.

Far from it. In so many ways, I am continually challenged by difficult feelings and circumstances.

At a difficult time this fall a friend told me that when faced with anxiety, with very real what ifs, she remembers that God has a good plan for her family.

I grew up believing that God had a good plan for me, a personal and loving plan for my life. And I think I thought that meant that things would go well for me. That God would take care of me in the ways I know, by keeping me safe, and meeting my needs. However, the result of experiencing what we did was that my view of God's plan was altered somewhat; that God still has a good plan for me and our lives, but that it doesn't really mean good for me personally, more good for the Kingdom, good for the eternal.

And I am glad for his good plan for the Kingdom! Glad. Glad for the things we've learned, we've taught. And on the good days, I strive to do more, to continue to further His work for me, for the world.

But on the hard days, I really miss that personal God! That one that cared more about the personal good for me.

So earlier in the fall, I challenged God. I asked him to show me his personal care.

I wasn't sure what this meant. I hoped that it meant that he would lift some of these anxieties and circumstances! That good things would come! I would like his personal care to be like that for me.

And it wasn't like that.

But, on two separate occasions, times of trial, times of anxiety, I felt him there. And it was through others. One, a stranger, and one a friend. Both giving me what I needed to get through a very trying time, knowing that I was not alone. That God cared, not just about teaching me, but about how I felt.

And that was everything. It's not everything I want! More like everything I need to get through what God asks of me, which is a lot. And to get through knowing that God's care for me is that He promises to be there with us when we endure what we endure for the Kingdom. And that care I recognize. It was care I experienced through Ray's illness and death, from the loving hands of many.

And so I write this Thanksgiving post to say thank you. Thank you to the ones who in small or large ways have been Christ's personal hand to me and the girls in these very trying few years. For those who have lifted our spirits. For those who continue to reach out, understanding that while the rages of our battle with cancer are through, the battle continues always.

And, I write to myself and to all, that we just don't know when what we do means something big to someone else. Maybe someone who really needs that something big. May we always strive to be that Jesus to those we meet along the way.

To God be the Glory.

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

"But now, this is what the LORD says -- he who created you, Jacob, he who formed you, Israel: "Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior."
Isaiah 43:1-3

Fighting Against Cancer

2010-08-19T21:45:00.001-05:00

Loved ones,

It's been a long summer! The girls and I had a great trip to DC to attend the 2nd Annual Ray Fitzgerald Charity Classic Softball Tournament. It was a great great day with old and new friends, playing softball and raising money to fight cancer! We were so thrilled to attend and so glad for the support of so many for such a tremendous cause.

This past few weeks since we came home, I've continued my work with the National Cancer Institute to study gastric cancer through the Cancer Genome Atlas. This is hard work! I am so grateful for the Congressional support for this effort as it takes dedication and vigilence to overcome the many challenges to this research! The problems are many! And I am so grateful for the bright minds and strong hearts we have to get it done!

This is a multifront battle. Last weekend I attended Ray's 25th grade school reunion. There Ray's classmates also raised money to fight cancer on Ray's behalf.

I have been struck this week by the difficult nature of cancer research, the many many obstacles. The fight takes such perseverance. It is a difficult fight for me to fight, an anxious fight, but one I know I must undertake for the many people who will face this deadly and destructive disease.

Therefore, I am all the more glad for all of you, my allies in this work. You mean so much to me. You mean so much to my girls who pray every night that scientists will study their dad's cancer and find a cure.

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

"For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds." 2 Corinthians 10:3-4

Father's Day

2010-06-16T08:45:00.002-05:00

Loved Ones,

There are so many times that we have missed Ray's presence this last week. The girls' first swim meet, Nora's dance recital, Ray's godson's graduation, getting good news about our cancer research, the Blackhawks victory. We know he is celebrating with us in heaven but we sure would love to hear his voice cheering.

A friend said to me that time heals but it does not replace. And that's right. We are healing, but the loss of our Ray leaves a hole in our hearts.

We will be thinking of Ray especially this weekend on Father's Day. We are grateful to the many fathers around us who take the time to cheer on our girls.

"He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair." Isaiah 61:2

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

Testifying Before Congress

2010-03-29T20:38:00.003-05:00

Loved Ones,

The girls and I traveled to D.C. last week for a Congressional Hearing on cancer research. I was able to take part in the hearing, giving testimony about the sore lack of funding for gastrointestinal cancers like Ray's. It was thrilling to be able to speak to people who can truly make a difference; a big step in our campaign to alert the National Cancer Institute to the problem, and motivate action. Many many people helped to make this happen and happen well and we were so glad to be able to devote our efforts toward preventing additional death and loss from these cancers.

Nora and Maggie were able to attend the hearing, to hear the words said about their dad, and witness the actions taken in response. And this, a big step in our campaign to restore our own security.

I have been listening to a copy of Il Divo's Christmas album. Someone, during that Christmas when Ray was sick, sent this CD. I've been so glad of it. There is a song, that speaks of a person who almost loses his faith, but then finds it again. "Come and rejoice, what is lost is found."

When I hear this song I always feel a wellspring of emotion. Though I've felt no danger of losing my faith in any of this, my own security, and that of my girls, was rocked by all that we endured, and it's taking awhile to regain our footing. Because, one cannot be reassured in the same ways.

Before Ray was sick I knew intrinsically that the answer to fears could not be that they would not occur. But I hoped it was the case. Of course I know now, in a very real way, that fears can and do occur. And my girls know it too. And so to quiet those fears, one cannot respond that things just won't happen again, that somehow, we've fulfilled our duty. There has to be safety, even knowing all that can occur.

Of course, looking back, we know that we were held and sustained by our God. And there is hope in that.

It is the paradox of knowing that we can survive, and not wanting to lose again. The task of wholly and truly submitting to God's will, even and especially knowing what it can entail.

There are days, many days, where I simply want to beg God whatever his will, not to let it occur. But I strive to, as my dear and recently departed Grandma Gaye says, say: "Yes Lord, yes, yes, YES."

And so this is my task. To find this way of existing, not in fear, but in confidence, whatever may be to come. To live this for myself, and teach it to the girls. To be able to say, someday, and hopefully someday soon, that what was lost, is found.

not alone and not afraid,

kristin

"So he got up and came to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion for him, and ran and embraced him and kissed him. "And the son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and in your sight; I am no longer worthy to be called your son.' "But the father said to his slaves, 'Quickly bring out the best robe and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand and sandals on his feet; and bring the fattened calf, kill it, and let us eat and celebrate; for this son of mine was dead and has come to life again; he was lost and has been found.' And they began to celebrate." Luke 15:20-24

One Year Anniversary

2010-01-21T22:30:00.000-06:00

Loved Ones,

We had a very special day remembering Ray today. It was filled with a lot of Ray's favorite things, and a lot of our favorite ways to remember and honor him. Friends and family gathered here in Naperville, in Chicago, and in DC for masses in Ray's honor, with times of fellowship, food and fun memories as well.

It means so much to us the many of you that remembered Ray in many ways. The calls, prayers, emails, and your presence with us meant so very much.

We miss Ray so much every day, and we are so glad to have the time with so many of you to honor him.

And, we express our heartfelt thanks for the many ways that you have remembered Ray and supported us throughout this first year.

"The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul."
Psalm 23:1-3

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

A planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor

2010-01-10T13:16:00.002-06:00

Loved Ones,

For the past few months I've been encouraging a family with cancer. Their tale is similar to ours and it will have a similar ending soon. As they sit at the side of their loved one, however, there is joy, there is peace and above all, there is faith. Something I also have experienced. As I searched for a verse to send them, I found this:

"The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor."
Isaiah 61:1-3

Nowhere is this more apparent, than at the bedside of a loved one who is going too soon.

That crown of beauty, that oil of gladness, that garment of praise, that can only come from strength far beyond ourselves.

And it struck me that this is true of us too. That our life this year -- this crown of beauty reclaimed from ashes -- yes, many times in sadness, but always in faith and often with joy -- that this too is a testimony of the strength of our Lord. A planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.

Though it is not understandable, it can only be true.

These verses and these thoughts, give me comfort. Especially as we near the one year anniversary of Ray's death on January 21.

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

Ray's First Christmas in Heaven

2009-12-26T00:22:00.003-06:00

Loved Ones,

Well, Ray had his first Christmas in heaven and we had ours without him here. It is good to think of the celebration they must have up there.

But, we sure miss Ray. There were so many times during the season that we missed him dearly. I tried to keep focused on anticipating Christ's coming and patiently waiting for his plan. So many things about advent really spoke to me this year.

We thank you for the many ways that you reached out to us this season -- even a sentence or two in a Christmas card meant a lot. Things still aren't the same and the many gestures of care helped us when we felt Ray's absence so strongly.

We pray that you had a joyful Christmas.

"For a child has been born for us, a son given to us;authority rests upon his shoulders;and he is named Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace." Is. 9

not alone and not afraid --
kristin

Thanksgiving

2009-11-30T07:12:00.000-06:00

Loved Ones,

I wanted to write a note to tell you how thankful we are for all of you. We know that your love and care have helped us get through these last 10 months without Ray here. I know that it is hard to sometimes know what to say or do, but I wanted to say thank you for figuring it out and helping us. I feel God has blessed us with some special angels, and I am very grateful. And I know the girls are too.

It is very sad to enter this holiday season without Ray at our side. We miss him so every day. Today we had dinner with Ray's family and we were so glad to be with them. We are very thankful for our family and their unending support.

And the girls and I are so thankful for each other! We do not take this gift lightly. Each day is so very precious.

As the days go on, we are simply grateful for every minute we shared with Ray. And for every moment we think of him now. We know he must be very close today.

This was our Thanksgiving prayer from last year. And I thought it fitting today.

"Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ." Ephesians 5:20

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

Last Soccer Game

2009-10-25T11:09:00.002-05:00

Loved Ones,

Sometimes it is not the days that I expect to miss Ray that I really miss him, it is other days, days that don't seem on their face as monumental, but are.

I am prepared that Ray will not be there for his birthday, for example, but I forget to be prepared for other smaller events.

Today was our neighborhood Halloween party, and as I got the girls ready, I thought, wait, who do I show them to? And then Ray's absence seemed so large. And I missed him as I walked through the doors, and as I sat with the other moms and dads and watched the girls.

Later in the afternoon, it was Nora's last soccer game for the outdoor season. Lucy is fighting a cold so I waited until the last second to get her up from her nap and out the door. And all the way to the game she coughed and coughed. When we arrived, I told Nora I'd have to miss the game because I couldn't have Lucy outside in the cold, thinking I should probably take her to the doctor instead.

But then the sun came out and Barbie Nutcracker went on in the car and I got to coach Nora's last game.

If only I could summon Ray's help whenever I need it. But today, he was there.

"If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast." Psalm 139:8-10

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

Ray's Birthday

2009-10-13T21:32:00.010-05:00

Today was Ray's 38th Birthday. We celebrated in many ways; remembering the very best of Daddy's favorite things, sending balloons to heaven with Ray's family, celebrating the person we miss so very much.

Over the weekend and today, so many people expressed such tender thoughts about the friend they miss too. How much this means to us.

At a mass this morning for Ray, our priest said these words, "When our life is over, let us hope that the story of our lives is so much more beautiful than its cover (our outward appearance)."

How I wish the story of Ray's life went on much longer. But I am so appreciative of its beauty.

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

And then there was one

2009-09-10T08:35:00.002-05:00

Loved Ones,

Maggie returned to preschool this week. Maggie's teacher knew Ray, we spoke in Nora's class two years ago about DC, so she knew Ray before he was even sick. And she is as close to a fairy princess as any preschool teacher I have ever seen. So I was excited about the year for Maggie. But Maggie had a hard time with school last year after Ray died, so we weren't sure exactly how it would go.

Here is the picture, and you can see for yourself.

I am so glad for God's healing hand for myself and the girls. Our grief and sadness for Ray are so big. We have a lot ahead. But I am so thankful to see healing and restoration along the way.

"Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good. His love endures forever." Psalm 136:1

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

Back to School

2009-08-27T21:54:00.000-05:00

Loved Ones,

The Fitzgeralds have begun another school year with the start of first grade for Nora on August 19. And just tonight, her first grade soccer practice with Mom as Assistant Coach. Maggie doesn't start school until after Labor Day but she and Lucy had their first gymnastics class this week too.

Our days have been filled with milestones and we miss Ray very much. We know how proud he is. And we are glad for his love and the love of our Savior.

"The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." Zephaniah 3:17

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

Hearing Ray's Voice

2009-08-17T17:28:00.000-05:00

Loved Ones,

Of all the things I search for, it is Ray's voice. Knowing what things he would want, doing what would have made him happy. Sometimes it is hard to know what choice he would make, sometimes harder to do what I know he would say. And then there are days that everything seems right and I know that we are exactly where we should be.

We had some moments like that this weekend and today. Cookouts with friends and family, caring for friends who've lost a loved one, and watching golf at the Solheim Cup in nearby Sugar Grove.

Oh how glad I am to continue to be able to strengthen the link between the girls and their dad.

"Keep yourselves in God's love as you wait for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ to bring you to eternal life." Jude 1:21

not alone and not afraid

kristin

2009-08-11T19:32:00.001-05:00

White Lake 2009

White Lake 2008

Loved Ones,

We are back from White Lake. We had a great week there. Though it was heartbreaking to arrive without Ray, we felt very close to him, doing the things he did each summer since he was a little boy. It was great to be with his family as well. Uncle Joe renamed the White Lake Golf scramble in Ray's honor and made special shirts with his picture -- a lovely one of Ray at last year's golf event.

It is still very hard to believe that we were all together at White Lake only one year ago. And it is always very hard to get back in the car to go home without him.

Now that we are back at home, we are busy swimming every day so that we are ready to begin school on August 19! That's the first day of first grade for Nora so we are making the most of our time at the pool.

We are thankful for your continued prayers.

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Matthew 5:4

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

2009-07-30T20:40:00.000-05:00

Loved Ones,

We leave Friday (7/31) for Wisconsin for a few days with my relatives and then a week at White Lake with Ray's family.

This week each summer was the most heralded of Ray's childhood. It was his happiest week while battling cancer; the most normal of the days we had together.

I know we will desperately miss his presence there this summer, while knowing that we can't be far from his sights.

Lucy has been saying lately that daddy is following us home when we drive. She points to the moon or the clouds which do seem to follow our car.

I know he'll follow us to White Lake.

"If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast." Psalm 139:8-10

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

Six Months of Missing Ray

2009-07-21T21:28:00.000-05:00

Loved Ones,

Though hard to believe, it was six months today since Ray went to heaven.

I find myself so surprised by this milestone. Six months seems like such a long time. It doesn't seem possible that we have been missing Ray in our daily lives for such a long time.

Perhaps in recognition of this, Ray was so present today. I dreamed last night that he was here. It was so wonderful and puzzling, and I told him that he couldn't go on any more trips.

In reading my emails, in hearing a joke, I know my husband would be amused. Oh how I wish that I could share them with him.

I am thankful for every dream, every memory, every thought that ties us to him.

"I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness, and you will acknowledge the LORD." Hosea 2:19-20

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

Remembering Ray

2009-07-20T07:50:00.000-05:00

Loved Ones,

We are adjusting to being back at home. We spent all day Friday cleaning and Saturday weeding, catching up on the tasks that we escaped at the beach.
The house and yard are accordingly organized. And this is comforting.

Today we had time for a little fun and we went fishing with neighbors. Nora caught twelve fish! Maggie caught a lot also and Lucy had lots of snacks. It was good to be with our neighbors and we've been glad to reconnect with our friends here.

While we were away a friend from chemo passed away. A bright and lovely light, snuffed out far too quickly by cancer. His passing and the grief of his wife and children have been on our hearts and minds, reminding us of our grief and filling us with empathy for our friends.

We found out while we were in DC that the language I worked on, requesting the National Cancer Institute to study GI cancer in patients under 40, will be included in the House and Senate Appropriations bills. We are so glad that research attention will be paid to this dreadful disease.

When Ray was sick, I had no doubts about the tasks and work that God had for me. Helping Ray and the girls and expressing the words God put in my heart were the things that I knew I had to do -- the burdens on my heart and mind.

Our favorite golfer Phil Mickelson is also fighting cancer; his wife began treatment for breast cancer July 1. Reading his blog I recall so dearly our fight against cancer. "We begin treatment..." The words are so familiar. I remember writing that "we" and sometimes correcting it. Our fight. But one that left us both in such different spots.

With Ray gone, God's plan for me in all of this is harder to find -- fighting cancer, helping others, living faithfully, telling our story, healing with the girls -- all these are important tasks -- ones to balance and weigh.

I would never summon back the tenor and veracity of the fight we fought. But I pray for that clarity of God's mission upon me -- it's very strength gives continued meaning to Ray's death.

"On this mountain he will destroy the shroud that enfolds all peoples, the sheet that covers all nations; he will swallow up death forever. The Sovereign LORD will wipe away the tears from all faces; he will remove the disgrace of his people from all the earth. The LORD has spoken. In that day they will say, "Surely this is our God; we trusted in him, and he saved us. This is the LORD, we trusted in him; let us rejoice and be glad in his salvation." Isaiah 25:7-9

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

Vacation

2009-07-14T21:54:00.002-05:00

Loved Ones,

We are finally back at home after our vacation.

The weeks in Rehoboth were wonderful. A true rest for us. We spent most days at the beach; I always had the drag the girls home at 5 or 6 pm. They are true beach lovers like their mom.

We were able to attend our family reunion in Pennsylvania and had a good week seeing friends in DC. Nowhere do I have memories of Ray like DC; every street, each neighborhood is a pearl of our past.

The vacation culminated with a softball tournament in DC in honor of Ray. We were so glad to be able to attend and be with our friends who loved Ray. It was a special day.

God's provision for us was manifest in many ways: my saintly cousin who flew out to DC to drive home with us, our car battery which died completely Monday morning after we returned home but made it through our long drive home!

Oh how we wished to return home to find our husband and dad!

But we are glad to be back home with our family who reminds us of him.

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

A Happy Birthday

2009-06-30T12:12:00.002-05:00

Loved Ones,

Thank you for your prayers, cards, emails and thoughtfulness this birthday. The girls and I had a lovely day.

There are some days where the winds are light and the waters are calm and the sun shines so brightly --the weather a perfect parallel for our hearts. Today was one of those days. I wondered if it was Ray's birthday present for me.

I've wondered, on the stormy days like Father's Day, just why they have to occur. Why death, why pain, why grief, fear and sadness? I don't know the answer to that. But I know that those hard hard times deepen our appreciation of the peaceful times so much more completely. Even the peaceful minutes! The simple beauty of observing undetected the joyful moments of our children.

This trip has held countless beautiful moments like that. Yesterday was filled with them.I know that this is an answer to many prayers.

“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace. What does the worker gain from his toil? I have seen the burden God has laid on men. He has made everything beautiful in its time.” Ecclesiastes 3:1-11

not alone and not afraid,

kristin

Vacation

2009-06-19T23:19:00.008-05:00

Loved ones,

We are here in Rehoboth Beach.The drive was long, but the girls were great.

This spot is filled with memories. Ray and I were here many times in our early life together and it was our very first family vacation with Nora.

I am having fun pointing out special spots to the girls.

We made an early visit to DC on Wednesday for the Congressional Baseball game where Ray's old boss, Congressman John Shimkus, honored him by wearing a White Sox jersey with the name Fitzgerald and the number 37. It was a very special night for all of us, and thrilling too that Ray's sisters who joined us for a few days at the beach, were also able to attend.

Now we are back at the beach where the quieter life provides special family time and room for reflection. We are glad for this respite.

We will be thinking of Ray especially this Father's Day.

“I will not forget you. Behold, I have inscribed you on the palms of my hands.” Isaiah 49:15-16

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

Family Vacation

2009-06-12T21:55:00.001-05:00

Loved Ones,

Tomorrow the girls and I are off to the East Coast for some time at the beach and at various locales with family and friends.

We are looking forward to the time together, although not so much the some 44 hours in the car!

We'll be in DC at a few key points for some Congressional events honoring Ray which bookend our vacation time.

A friend watched the girls today while I packed up the car.

During our day to day life, we have come to expect Ray's absence and thus are rarely suprised, for example, by his car parked in the driveway. It is most often the evenings and weekends -- times he would have been home -- that we miss him. And, we are even becoming more accustomed to those times.

However, because a vacation is not day to day life, I was reminded of Ray throughout today. As I did the jobs he usually did to prepare, and as I thought of our vacation, even our drive, without him there. I remember when both Ray and I were working, there was nothing so delicious as stepping away from it all, together. Because a family vacation is by definition, family time, it emphasizes, even more than our daily life, that our family has changed.

Today I was reminded of how much I miss our old family!

I've hoped so much that this vacation will strengthen the tenacity of our smaller family unit, bringing all of us joy, even and especially in our new world.

I pray for the strength to lead us on that path, for safety and patience on the road, and for time and tenderness with our family and our friends.

"I am laid low in the dust; preserve my life according to your word.
I recounted my ways and you answered me; teach me your decrees.
Let me understand the teaching of your precepts; then I will meditate on your wonders.
My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word.
I have chosen the way of truth; I have set my heart on your laws.
I run in the path of your commands, for you have set my heart free." Psalm 119:25-28,30,32

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

Remembering Their Dad

2009-06-10T07:20:00.001-05:00

Loved Ones,

Ray has been so present for the girls the past few days. All three of them have talked about memories with their dad.

A few nights ago we were watching Animal Planet and a preview for a show came on. Nora told us that she used to watch that show with Daddy. Similarly, Maggie mentioned the way he used to scratch her back. Not to be forgotten, as we left Costco today, the checker drew a smiley face for Lucy on our receipt. She said it was a picture of her dad.

There is such poignance in all of this for me. When Ray was feeling a little better last summer, I would send the girls in with him while I put Lucy to bed. They usually watched TV and once I asked if they wanted to read books. Ray told me that he hoped they would remember watching Animal Planet with him.

They remember Ray!!

Along with the many things I want to tell him about their progress in school, soccer and ballet; their efforts to help clean up the house; all their growing beauty; I just wish I could tell Ray that he was right! That this memory will stand out for them.

Lucy told me today that Daddy had a Doctor with him in heaven. I told her, no, Daddy is well. She then told me that Jesus and God were with him in heaven.

I am thankful for all the things Ray taught them, for every special memory and for each reflection of him in the girls.

"Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates." Deuteronomy 5:4-9

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

Softball Season

2009-06-06T21:36:00.002-05:00

Loved Ones,

Last night we attended a softball game of the Cress Creek Coyotes. Ray played softball on the team with our friends and neighbors for two years and was just entering his third season last year when he got sick.

The team got new shirts this year and on each sleeve is a shamrock with RMF.

They presented us with Ray's "Fitzgerald" jersey after the game.

And while it is so hard to bear Ray's absence at events like this, it is so meaningful to see the visible representation of love from Ray's friends.

We so appreciate this love and support and the comment from one friend, "We just want you to know, we won't forget Ray."

This makes Ray seem not so far away.

I ran a race this morning and as I glanced up I saw a man that looked just like Ray. His baseball cap, gray t-shirt, two little girls, smile for his wife. It seemed like just a little farther up Ray might be there too.

It still seems impossible that he won't be coming in from the infield, cheering me on in a race, wearing those t-shirts he wore a thousand times.

We all miss him so so much. I'm so glad that someday, we will see him again in heaven.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade—kept in heaven for you." 1 Peter 1:3-4

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

Missing my Husband

2009-06-04T20:24:00.002-05:00

Loved Ones,

They say that sickness and death reveal the real core of a person. I think that is probably true and if it is, the core of my husband was faith in God; kindness, thoughtfulness and love for others; graciousness in suffering; and of course, love of the White Sox.

I thought back today to a moment in the hospital that first time. When we got there and he had the first round of chemo, Ray was just so so sick. It was hard to imagine but in the week since his diagnosis the cancer had just weakened him so greatly, he wasn't himself at all. He started that first round of chemo really late at night and it knocked him out for a few days.

So we were getting closer to leaving and they'd prescribed a ton of different medications for Ray which I was attempting to fill at the hospital pharmacy. This took many trips back and forth for various reasons and when I was heading back downstairs once again, Ray looked at me and winked.

It was like my heart stopped. My husband! He was back!

Because of all things, Ray was an exceptional husband. Encouraging me in my small task of filling the prescriptions. While he fought cancer.

That was Ray.

Of all the things I miss, I really miss being Ray's wife.

"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her." Ephesians 5:25

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

Remembering June 3

2009-06-02T21:10:00.001-05:00

Loved Ones,

It was June 3rd that we first heard Ray's prognosis. We met with Ray's doctor at Northwestern and she said, "So, what have they told you?" We were so uneducated about cancer that we truly did not know what to expect. But she went on to tell us that Ray's cancer was incurable. And that chemo would help, but not forever, and then Ray would die.

It was the worst possible thing that we could have heard.

We fought it, asking her questions about liver transplants and clinical trials. But her response was certain, and even clinical trials didn't offer curative treatment.

After she left I said to Ray that this did not change anything. That our hopes, that our confidence that it is God alone who can heal, were unchanged. And so we began the journey of knowing that the worst could happen and praying the God would heal Ray.

This year June 3rd is significant for another reason. It is Nora's last day of school. Kindergarten, that she started with her dad and will finish with him in heaven.

I know that for Nora, Ray is still here in many ways. She never draws our family without him. Her latest creations have him in shorts with 4th of July fireworks in the sky. And we know that Ray is with us in our hearts.

How we wish that his healing had been here on earth! That he would be with us tomorrow when Nora comes off the bus from that last day of school -- just like he was when we sent her off on that first day!

I close with the verse from June 3rd last year. It gives me strength, just knowing that we clung to it last year, and that it still gives us power today in everything we face.

“For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds.” 2 Corinthians 10:3-4

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

Their Dad Would Be So Proud

2009-05-31T21:24:00.001-05:00

Loved Ones,

So many times I think to myself how proud Ray would be of our girls. This weekend it was especially so.

The girls ran in "tot trots" and both ran so fast. Nora had her last outdoor soccer game. They were so quiet in church.

I know Ray would have particularly been proud of Nora for a time this weekend that she observed a friend who felt left out and without prompting, went quickly to her aid.

I tell the girls these things as often as I can. As often as it comes to my mind. I know this will teach them more about their dad. The things that he especially cherished. Like kindness.

They've been praying so faithfully for the wife of one of Ray's favorite golfers who was just diagnosed with cancer. They mention her often, and never forget her at night.

This helps me understand God's will for them. The riches of compassion and understanding that they have already from their own experience. The experience from which I prayed they would be spared, but one which will bear fruits in their life that will impact many others.

"Praise the LORD, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name. Praise the LORD, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits - who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion." Psalm 103:1-4

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

Our Day

2009-05-28T06:45:00.001-05:00

Loved Ones,

In honor of Ray, his mom and sisters and I (and my little Maggie) went to church today for a mass.

The mass included this prayer:

Glorious St. Paul,
Most zealous Apostle,
Martyr for the love of Christ,
Give us a deep faith,
A steadfast hope,
A burning love for our Lord

So that we can proclaim with you
"It is no longer I who live,
But Christ who lives in me."

How truly appropriate a prayer for Ray. One who died to himself, but LIVES ON in Christ.

I am so thankful for his example.

Daily I fail at this endeavor, but I do believe that the answer to fears of cancer, fears of death, fears of loss, is not to say that this will not occur. But rather, to know that it can, and to cling to our hope in Christ. Our hope that Christ has overcome the world.

My husband overcame the world and cancer.

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

2009-05-27T09:31:00.003-05:00

Loved Ones,

The Tuesday after Memorial Day, May 27th, was the day it all changed for us. Ray stayed home from work and the doctor called to say he wanted to go over Ray's tests.

The girls and Ray planted flowers and I tried not to think about my fears.

When they told us about the cancer in Ray's liver we were so unaware of cancer that we just didn't know what that even meant. I heard my ears ringing as I realized that I had just heard the words I feared. Ray simply said, God will not give us more than we can handle.

We reached out with hope to friends to help us navigate. And others to pray. We started collecting survivor stories and miracles. We prayed that God, who is bigger than cancer, would beat this thing.

We knew our world had changed. We didn't know how much.

I thought of Ray so often today. Thinking of that day. Thinking of him in heaven.

We are so grateful for your prayers today and always.

"For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." Ephesians 3:14-19

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

Memorial Day Weekend

2009-05-23T22:45:00.000-05:00

Loved Ones,

With the memory of Ray's diagnosis the day after Memorial Day last year, I've dreaded this weekend. I so appreciate the many of you who appear to have conspired to keep us busy this weekend. That helps a lot.

The girls have prayed so much of late about cancer. Sparing us and others from cancer. Helping scientists to find a cure for cancer. Helping us not to die if we get cancer. We cannot know what the future holds! We are working on praying that God will always be near.

I find that the future feels so very tenuous. Knowing that it changes so quickly, I wonder that we will even experience it.

And, always on my mind is the fact that my dear husband did not get to do so. As we travel to my niece's softball game, as we plan cookouts on the Southside, the many things I seek out, things that he would have loved, because they make him seem so close, then I particularly feel the sadness that he cannot be with us. He would have loved to do all this. And he didn't get to!

And I go back to our prayers. That in the inexplicable, God will be near. That his love for us, will be as present as the love we've lost.

"Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus... let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith... Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful." Hebrews 10:19, 22, 23

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

Memories

2009-05-19T22:49:00.000-05:00

Loved Ones,

Today marks the entrance to our cancer memories. It was this day, one year ago, that Ray came home so very white and tired from his trip to DC. Remarkably for me, it was only then that I put "burping" into google and came up with cancer. And so, from this day forward, what would actually become reality, was in my sights.

The next few weeks hold so many turning point memories. Ray's diagnosis. Ray's prognosis. The days that changed us all forever.

I do not want or like to look back on those memories, I will be glad to get into the summer where we have other better memories from the year before. However, in looking back, I am still so very grateful for your prayers. That carried us through those days. That strengthened our very cores. And, that help to carry us still, one year later.

Nora asked me tonight how many days of kindergarten Daddy was alive. And so we counted it out. And there were more days with Daddy here on earth than there were with him in heaven. Even this is a blessing, the proximity to the days that Ray was here.

We are grateful for your continued support, the friends who listen and listen, the cards and emails, the thoughts and prayers.

We are ever so grateful to our Saviour, always with us.

"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength." Isaiah 40:28-31

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

Mother's Day

2009-05-11T07:02:00.001-05:00

Loved Ones,

It was a good day. It was a day that I felt Ray with us.

The girls "made" me breakfast in bed with a little help from Dunkin Donuts and Aunt Molly. One of my favorite things was this comment from Nora last night, "Mom, I don't want you to have to do any work on Mother's Day. So could you please get all your work done tonight?" She's a smart kid! But also so sweet, as she got Lucy out of bed herself so that I wouldn't wake up till at least 6:30!

The girls and I had fun just being together, along with a lovely brunch with my mom and sister, and fun times with the Fitzgeralds this evening.

A special spot in the day was our time at the cemetary. The girls and I headed there by ourselves, but when we arrived we were met by Ray's mom and sisters. Coincidence? I didn't think so and I thanked Ray for that, as it was so good to be there together instead of by ourselves.

We are so grateful for our family who played such a special part in this day, and in this whole year.

"For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God." Ephesians 3:14-19

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

2009-05-06T20:52:00.001-05:00

Loved Ones,

In rereading my last posting, I found it so ironic that the title was "fear" and it was signed, "not alone and not afraid!" I did not even catch that as I wrote, just reaching out for help in trying to stand strong. I hope it is not disappointing to all of you, the fears; we have felt them all along. "Not afraid" is truly my highest hope and goal. For me, however, it takes prayer and determination to be in that spot.

The girls and I are getting along. We are doing our best to learn how to keep going, knowing that God's care for us can and has meant that we may experience things we are afraid of. How I wish this wasn't true!

However, I am trying to be thankful for my fears, knowing that it truly gives me a window to understand how my girls may feel, and help all of us to find a way through for our life.

I am so thankful for the girls! They are looking forward to making me breakfast in bed for Mother's Day. Ray did this with them last year and they are excited to continue the tradition.

I know it will be a bittersweet day for all of us. We are looking forward to visiting Ray's grave as the gravestone has finally arrived, exciting news since our visit there last week. I am so thankful it will be there for Mother's Day.

We all continue to be so thankful for your prayers, your company, and your encouragement.

"We wait in hope for the LORD; he is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD, even as we put our hope in you." Psalm 33:20-22

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

Fear

2009-04-28T13:17:00.001-05:00

Loved Ones,

One of the last vestiges of cancer is fear. As I had always been afraid of cancer, of death, of loss, even before Ray, this experience in some ways confirms those fears, and thus heightens their intensity. What next? How to prevent? How to catch? How to avoid?

I believe Ray has triumphed over cancer and thus I pray for his help (and our Lord's) when I feel afraid. And there are days when the fears are at bay.

However, there are other times where fear is a thundering enemy, pressing in on all sides.

And, in my fear, I must also shepherd these little ones, whose security has also been rocked, doing my best to quiet our shaken hearts.

With the example of my courageous husband before me, the one who stared down far scarier things, I know I cannot be defeated by this smallest portion of his battle. I pray for strength. For God's own peace. For victory to pour down for me, and especially for my little girls.

"O LORD, how many are my foes! How many rise up against me! Many are saying of me, "God will not deliver him." But you are a shield around me, O LORD; you bestow glory on me and lift up my head. To the LORD I cry aloud, and he answers me from his holy hill. I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the LORD sustains me. I will not fear the tens of thousands drawn up against me on every side. Arise, O LORD! Deliver me, O my God! From the LORD comes deliverance. May your blessing be on your people." Psalm 3

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

Three Months

2009-04-22T06:54:00.001-05:00

Loved Ones,

It was three months ago today that Ray went to heaven.

In some ways it seems so very long ago. The routines of our life have continued, many new ones, swimming at the pool, watching Food Network's "Chopped," getting bagels after church. We think of Ray so often when we do the things we used to do, but it seems a long time since we did them together.

And of course, there are times when it seems like yesterday that all was well.

When the girls talk about their dad, daddy golfing, scratching their backs, singing their songs, it is among my happiest of times.

We thank you all for your continued prayers, love and aid.

"There is no one like the God of Israel, who rides on the heavens to help you and on the clouds in his majesty. The eternal God is your refuge,and underneath are the everlasting arms." Deuteronomy 33:26-27

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

Home From Texas

2009-04-15T22:15:00.003-05:00

Loved Ones,

We're home from Texas. We had a good trip. Our hearts were full of memories from our past trips to Austin.

One of the girls' highlights was returning to Sea World. While there we rode the log ride that Ray and Nora rode when we visited in May of 07. She has a pink key chain with their picture from the ride. Now we have matching ones, this one with Maggie and Mommy in attendance too. We miss Ray so much!

I was glad that we had a different Easter. Like so many things now, we have fun, but in a different way than we did before. The girls are the girls. They are still running around searching for eggs and stuffing their faces with candy! I adore those girls so much. And I miss so much smiling at those girls with Ray.

A friend sent me a verse that meant so much to me. I read and reflected on in on Easter night and it has stayed with me as I have made the difficult transition back to reality at home.

In addition to our many happy memories, I have sad ones that I reflect on also. Especially from that last month. While nothing can ever lift the sadness I feel from watching my precious husband suffer so greatly, this verse gave so much hope in suffering, and offered me so much comfort.

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

Texas Redux

2009-04-06T11:36:00.001-05:00

Loved Ones,

The girls and I are off to Texas today. As they were sick most of last week we cancelled our Spring Break trip but decided to go for Easter instead. Nora will miss a few days of kindergarten but I think that will be ok. We are excited to see all of our cousins and soak up some of the warm weather, especially since it snowed here last night.

This will be our first major holiday without Ray. He's been so much on my mind throughout this Lenten season for so many reasons. Ray's death calls to mind Christ's suffering in so many ways. His willingness to follow God's plan. His patient suffering. His continued presence with us.

And in other ways we think of him. Dying eggs together. Hiding our Easter eggs for the Easter egg hunt and calling out hints during the hunt from behind the video camara.

Last Easter was just before things changed in our lives. Ray had given up soda last Lent and just after he resumed drinkning it the burping that would bring the cancer diagnosis began. Still, even without a cloud in our sky, I felt the coming darkness last Easter. As we went to bed that night I told Ray that I could hardly go to sleep, knowing what could happen before the next Easter, wishing I could hold on to this day.

Our hearts and minds will be full of many thoughts as we celebrate this Easter. Above all, we are grateful for the great and shining hope of eternal life in heaven together with Ray!

"You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last." John 15:16

not alone and not afraid --
kristin

Spring Break Part 2

2009-04-02T06:23:00.002-05:00

Loved Ones,

It's good we're not in Texas. The flu has been strong and lasting. After Lucy came Maggie and she is still struggling. I am hopeful that tomorrow will be our first well day. That way I can stop trying to remember how to spell diarrhea!!

I've worked really hard on my gastric cancer research project -- working toward starting a national project to study gastrointestinal cancers in young people. It's the right time to work on it with so many helpful Congressional Members and staff. And, to save one person from these cancers would be a victory. I feel relieved to have something to do that could help.

However, I would sit at my computer and finish 100 Congressional research projects rather than sit still and think about how hard it is to be here alone with the kids this week.

It's a discipline really to be at home. We can't escape anywhere with sick kids, so it forces me to take care of the things on my list I'd rather ignore. Like dentist appointments. Like difficult decisions. And most importantly, like grief.

And so, when we finally go to Texas this coming Monday, I'll feel a little better. Like we've cleared the decks just a little bit and are leaving with things a little more in hand to enjoy ourselves.

This time now is different. I don't have the daily interaction with so many of you. We are more on our own. And yet, we feel God's quiet hand, strengthened by so many of your prayers, upon us still.

"He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul." Psalm 23:2-3

not alone and not afraid,

kristin

Spring Break

2009-03-28T20:47:00.000-05:00

Loved Ones,

So we're not exactly in Texas. Lucy came down with raging stomach flu on Thursday and we had to postpone our trip. Our suitcases are still packed and sitting on the kitchen floor, but we're sort of in limbo with continued vomiting and diahrrea. All the kids are in front of the TV with gatorade and crackers. As Ray would always say, "The magic of Ariel..." I'm hoping Nora and Maggie are just having sympathy pains because if this really spreads to them we may not get to Texas by the time Spring Break is over! I am very proud of them though, they've been so patient in their disappointment.

So let's see, the good news is that it has given me more time to work on my gastric cancer research project -- hoping to get some federal dollars directed toward researching young people like Ray with an early incidence of GI cancer. Working on this makes me feel good but we have a long road ahead as federal dollars are somewhat scarce.

At this point I'm not sure how to pray except to pray for wisdom as to making decisions and spending my time. It's one of the many things I miss so much about Ray -- his sound guidance.

"The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."
Zephaniah 3:17

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

Two Months

2009-03-24T22:18:00.003-05:00

Loved Ones,

There are still times when I am coming down the stairs and thinking of something that I'll think, "Oh perhaps Ray left a message and we can talk now that the kids are in bed." Times that it still feels like he's just in DC and I'm hoping we can connect really soon.

That feeling permeates, I dream it. That feeling of, Ray's been gone a little while and I really miss him, but that he's right around the corner, almost close enough to touch.

How I wish it were so.

I think the girls feel it, talking so often of him. That we can split the donut four ways because Daddy isn't here. That Daddy would have done this, or liked this or the other.

It's still just so hard to believe that he won't be coming back any day. Healthy, well, with all of this just a bad dream.

There is a lot to do. A lot of things to fix, a lot of decisions, a lot of parenting of girls who have been shaken, a lot of a lot. In the early days I focused as much as I could on finding fun and being together; now focusing more on the routines, returning to as much order as I can muster.

Some days I can't muster any order! So I appreciate my saintly family and friends who listen and help and load the dishwasher and fold laundry.

And, there are some days that I feel my husband helping me out. Making sure I saw yes, that most obvious sign. Or reinforcing my leanings one way or another in those most hardest of parenting decisions. I am so grateful for those days.

We leave Thursday to visit family for Spring Break in Texas. We'll think, of course, of our trip last September. And more happily of our trip two years ago, where none of this was on the horizon.

We continue to be so grateful for your prayers.

"But the eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love, We wait in hope for the LORD; he is our help and our shield In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD, even as we put our hope in you." Psalm 33: 18, 20-22

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

St. Patrick's Day

2009-03-18T06:55:00.002-05:00

Loved Ones,

The girls and I had a Happy St. Patrick's weekend. We talked on Saturday night, saying that Ray would have loved everything about our day. We went to the Naperville Irish Parade, played games at Chuck E Cheese, Nora learned to ride a bike and thanks to Navistar, we went to see Mary Poppins on Saturday night.

Every one of those things were things Ray loved to do. We marched in the Irish parade every year except the year Lucy was born. We missed Ray racking up the points for us like he used to at Chuck E Cheese. We know he would have been so proud of Nora riding that bike! And he loved to go to the theater so I especially missed his presence as he and I had gone many times before.

We saw Ray's family on Sunday at the Southside Irish parade so it always makes us feel close to him to be with them. And we sent off balloons at Ray's grave which of course, got stuck in the trees!

All this to say that we thought of Ray all weekend and of course today on St. Patrick's Day.

Today was a little bit harder. It is often in our little family times that we really miss Ray's presence. And we all wished that he was here. A friend sent us an Irish Dancing Jib Jab with our faces cut out on the Irish Dance girls. It began and I was just so sad to see only the four of us. But then Ray appeared and it was so nice to see his smiling face with ours. How I miss that face.

It's kind of an appropriate parallel for what I feel these days. The girls and I are going along and doing our best to have special family times together as a little family unit just like we used to. But goodness, we miss his presence so much.

We appreciate so much your prayers for us. For us to be able to grieve and heal. For wisdom in all things -- especially for me. I've been working the past few days on trying to get some funding for gastric cancer research. Tight timeframes, lots of work. In my old life I could handle this. It's much harder now and the girls need me so much more. And I need myself! But I know that my involvement may be very important. So just for wisdom and direction always in every way.

I can't stop with this verse. We need so much the crown of beauty, the oil of gladness, the garment of praise.

"The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor." Isaiah 61:1-3

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

A Posting

2009-03-12T06:06:00.000-05:00

Loved Ones,

With a sigh of relief we conclude birthday central at the Fitzgerald household. Maggie (now 4) and Lucy (now 2) had happy days, filled with our traditional birthday balloons, cakes and lots of well wishes.

We have a happy family -- both immediate and extended -- so we always have fun.

But it is never the same without Ray. His jokes while videotaping, his special touch picking out the balloons, his voice in the family chorus.

It seems impossible that our memories of Lucy's first birthday will be her only birthday memories that include her dad.

Our spring memories from last year are our last that didn't include cancer. The girls birthdays, Easter and Mother's Day were unblemished. We treasure those times with joy and look forward to reliving them in the coming weeks. However, in our minds they sometimes render our todays all but impossible. How great will be Ray's absence as the new year presses forward.

We continue to be grateful for your prayers.

"The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor." Isaiah 61:1-3

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

Ray's Memorial Service

2009-03-02T08:10:00.001-06:00

Loved Ones,

I want to say a special thank you to those of you who were able to come to the Memorial Service for Ray in DC on Thursday. It was such a lovely evening of reflections about Ray. I can't tell you how much I loved looking out at all of the loving faces at the church.

Several reflections shared such sweet memories and thoughts about our dear Ray. And the reception following included a time for toasts to Ray -- there many folks shared fun memories and funny stories. We so enjoyed this time to bask in the glow of love for Ray. We know the glow was shining up to heaven.

It was bittersweet to be in DC. As Ray and I never traveled back to DC during his illness, we had only happy and healthy memories there. While these are so wonderful to recall, in doing so, we feel so deeply Ray's absence. Never have I felt so strongly that this must simply be a dream.

However, to share our grief with many of those who knew Ray so well was comforting, so we did our best to soak up those times.

With this last Memorial complete, we return home to our new world. Each new day brings changes and growth in the girls that we just wish Ray could have shared here on earth. Tomorrow will be another first as Maggie turns four -- our first birthday without Ray.

We pray for God's continued hand on our family in this time.

"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." Ephesians 3:16-20

not alone and not afraid --
kristin

Valentine's Day

2009-02-14T21:02:00.000-06:00

Loved Ones,

On Valentine's Day 2008, Ray and I surprised the girls with news of a trip to Disney World the next day. That day and the days following are some of our most precious memories. So we didn't know what this day would be like.

To my precious friend Carmen who spent the night so the girls would wake up with a "slumber party," we thank you.

To our neighbors and friends who cheered extra hard for Nora at her Valentine's Day soccer "double-header," we thank you.

To our precious family who showed up en mass with videocameras and cameras to cheer for Nora and record this day, we love you and we thank you.

To my precious extended family who cooked up a Valentine's afternoon lovefest to hang out with us, we know you did it for us and we thank you.

To our many neighbors who brought over Valentine's treats tonight and many other times, we thank you.

To our friends and family far away who called, wrote and sent Valentines of all kinds, we thank you.

We celebrated our precious Ray with ten red balloons attached to 10 High School Musical Valentines we sent off to heaven. Those beautiful red balloons glittered and bobbed for so long in the air as we sent our love up to heaven for our beautiful daddy, husband, brother, son and uncle.

The last time I sent this verse I felt as I wrote it that it truly embodied my husband. His love. We felt this love all around us today.

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." 1 Corinthians 13:1-8

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

DC Memorial Service

2009-02-12T12:50:00.001-06:00

Loved Ones,

We have news about the Washington Memorial Service for Ray. The Service will be February 26 at 5:00 pm at St. Peters on the House side. It will be followed by a reception in Ray's honor at the Capitol Hill Club from 6-8. We hope you will be able to join us. All of Ray's sisters and a large contingency from my family will be there as well, including of course me and Nora, Maggie and Lucy. Craig will be sending an e-vite to you to get an idea of numbers for the reception. This will follow shortly. I can't tell you how much we are looking forward to the service and seeing all of you.

Not alone and not afraid,
Kristin

Healing

2009-02-09T22:23:00.001-06:00

Loved Ones,

The girls and I went to church yesterday for the first time since Ray died. None of the girls wanted to stay in childcare so all four of us sat in the row. Our pastor spoke eloquently of Christ's healing that he gave freely to so many. He said that sometimes this healing was physical, and other times it was emotional and spiritual, allowing us to journey the roads we must travel.

This spoke to me. It is always a wonder when so many pray for healing, how God answers those prayers. We hoped so much that Ray's healing would be on earth. While I am so grateful for Ray's healing in heaven, I do believe that part of his and our healing was here, giving us the very strength to travel the road we walked.

And, though the road we walk now is long, I do feel God's hand upon us as we walk. And Ray's. The girls and I laughed so hard as we thought of how happy Ray would have been with our car that we finally cleaned out yesterday.

I also want you to know that we do feel God's hand from yours. So many many things brighten our days, the gym and pool membership from our neighbors, the heart shaped cookies from friends, coordination of our sump pump (!), so many cards with loving and kind words about Ray, masses in his honor... The list is long and all of it together makes it a little easier to have joy in our days.

Our prayer requests are these: for those times when we feel Ray's loss so dearly -- family dinner time, weekends, the old and familiar routines that we must resume in his absence. And for the girls, for those times when they achieve something they so dearly would loved to have shared with their dad and when they think of their dad -- that they always know his continued love from heaven.

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Matthew 5:4

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

Remembering Ray Part II

2009-02-03T07:45:00.003-06:00

Loved Ones,

For some time I have wanted to write another email to this group. I have delaying in doing so simply because I was thinking of it as the 'last email." Goodness, I can't bear another last anything. So tonight I write to thank you, to update you and to tell you that I will do my best to post periodically to our family blog www.rayfitzgeraldfamily.blogspot.com And thus, thankfully, no goodbyes tonight.

It was one week ago that we buried Ray. Thank you to each of you who came to the wake and to the funeral. It was an incredible celebration of Ray and that was a joy to us. Your love for him and for us expressed in your presence was so tangible and meaningful to us, his family. The memorial gifts to the girls' education fund were so honoring to him. So too, the many many emails and cards speaking of Ray's legacy and assuring us that your prayers would not end now.

We are so grateful for your prayers. We find that while the severity of Ray's illness had prepared us for the actuality of his death, nothing could have prepared us for his absence. Many many times I find myself wishing like Maggie that Daddy would just fly out of heaven.

The road that stretches before us seems long. And yet we know that God, who selected this road for us, will not abandon us now. Thus we square our shoulders and soldier on, but so missing our dear companion.

Thankfully, there are the girls! They are so greatly in need of comfort, presence, and fun. I am glad for these demands.

We wanted to let you know of the date of the Washington D.C. Memorial Service for Ray. It will be on Thursday, February 26, followed by a time of Christian fellowship in Ray's honor. So, DC folk, save this date and we will post further details on the blog. Also on the blog are some tributes to Ray from Congressman John Shimkus, Ray's Congressional mentor and former boss, as well as a link to an article about Ray in the Chicago Tribune. Last, I am also attaching to this email the eulogy that I gave at Ray's funeral -- the love story of his life (posted on 1/26). We did videotape the funeral service and hope to get that posted up there somehow as well.

We care so much about all of you. Your companionship on this journey helped to carry us on the days we were just almost too tired to walk. We will always be indebted to you. We pray that you too, will be enriched by the beauty of Christian fellowship on the hard days of your journeys. We know this is God's very love for us on earth.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows." 2 Corinthians 1:3-5

"A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling." Psalm 68:5

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

Shimkus House Floor Tribute to Ray and Kristin

2009-01-27T15:20:00.003-06:00

Ray's Eulogy - The Love Story of His Life

2009-01-26T20:00:00.001-06:00

I want to tell you a love story about a man named Ray.

There are not words enough to describe Ray's beautiful heart.

This heart was born of the love of two precious and caring parents and five adoring sisters. Baby Ray Ray, himself, was the light of all of their lives. Cherished and nurtured by his parents and sisters, Ray grew up on the south side of Chicago, inheriting a love of all things White Sox and Irish.

Ray's family set the foundation of faith in his life. Ray was baptized at St. Thomas More by his Godfather, Father Larry Dore. As he grew older, it was common for his Godfather to hold mass in the Fitzgerald basement, midnight mass on Christmas Eve.

Ray was celebrated and loved. When baby Ray was born, he went on display in the front window in his bassinet where all the neighborhood kids could admire the only boy. As a little boy he would sit and drink tea and eat cookies with his mom and dad every night before going to bed.

Ray was no less loved when he began school at St. Thomas More. How many people do you know that remain best friends with the friends they made in 2nd Grade? Here he found his true brothers. And kept them for a lifetime. Beginning with Little League and Wrightwood Baseball at Hayes Park, friendships were formed that would endure until they were groomsmen at each other's weddings.

The foundation of faith begun by Ray's family was nurtured at St. Thomas More because of all the faithful teachers and Father Brankin. The boys shared first communion, were altar boys and were confirmed together. They learned, they laughed and even cried.

One time, Ray and Mike Morgan were Science Fair Partners. They developed a model of a heart, complete with dyed red blood. Just before the judging, the heart broke and leaked red water all over Ray's hands. They wondered what they should do and Ray said simply that they should tell the truth to the judge. " You think it will work?" said Mike. With hands full of red die, Ray said he thought it would, and then followed Mike to the fair, quipping "We lost him" as he walked. The boys won first prize.

High School was no less important for Ray. Brother Rice and Kairos deepened and strengthened his faith in God. The Brother Rice motto, "Act manfully in Christ Jesus," became a theme for Ray's life. Friends made and kept in high school were multifaceted and lasting.

Ray went on to Northern Illinois University where he worked hard and studied politics and economics. He founded the Alpha Kappa Lambda Fraternity Chapter at NIU . At AKL Ray was Treasurer and then ran a hard fought contest for President. Typical of Ray, after losing, he did not hold a grudge. His opponent would later be the best man at his wedding. AKL was a brotherhood for Ray. Last fall he received an award for living out the AKL's five ideals of Judeo-Christian Principle, Leadership, Scholarship, Loyalty and Self Support.

Ray came to Washington with dedication to public service. He began his career working for Governor Jim Edgar. In a town driven by ambition, his sweet and humble spirit made a lasting impression. He was loved by all who worked with him.

When Ray arrived at Congressman John Shimkus office he came into his own professionally. Ray's mentors noted his leadership and excellence. His colleagues, Ray's preparation, fairness, and gentle and kind way. As so many staff in Washington were even younger than Ray, his office mates jokingly called him "old man." Later they would remember that of all that things that stood out about Ray, his faith was above all. Said one, "Ray made it cool to be Catholic."

Ray made deep friends in Washington, friends who shared the stages of life with him from easygoing singleness and committed professionalism to loving husband, and later dedicated father.

When Ray and I met, it was love at first date. After only six weeks Ray brought me home to meet the family. There the sisters gathered around me to hear the story of Kristin and Ray that they had such a hard time prying out of their baby brother.

What a story it was. After years of fun-loving dating, Ray and I made plans to travel to Paris. Said one of his sisters, "If you have ever thought of marrying her, you have to ask her in Paris." Ever the obedient brother, thankfully he did.

Our courtship, wedding and newlywed life were such a happy time. Lovers of family, fun and politics, Ray and I were the best of friends. What an incredible joy to share so many things together.

When Nora arrived, Ray became the most loving of fathers. He adored each one of his girls, tenderly cherishing their alone time and special moments together. He was such a fun dad, his girls loved to go fishing with him, ride "double bike" on his back, sing and talk together before bed. With five sisters and three sister in laws, Ray was the perfect father for Nora, Maggie and Lucy.

It was a joy for Ray to come home to Chicago. Spending more time with family and old friends, rooting for the White Sox, excelling at his new job, playing softball in the neighborhood, and traveling back to DC for work, he had the best of all worlds.
The discovery of Ray's illness last May was a shock to everyone. Not missing a day of work until the day he was diagnosed, he went instantly from healthy to sick.

There are not enough words to honor Ray's unwavering faith as all that he had hoped and dreamed of changed in a instant. Ray met his illness by saying "God will not give us more than we can handle." Though profoundly sad at the thought of leaving us, Ray's thankful attitude for all the blessings he had already received would never change. Even in his sickest of days, Ray was always courageous, uncomplaining, thoughtful of others, and at peace.
When we started the emails to ask for prayers for Ray's illness, it was Ray who said to end them with Not Alone and Not Afraid. Though the emails were often in my voice, I was simply telling the story. A story of hope, joy and peace that refused to be defeated by the outcome promised us in the first of days.

The response we got from the emails was remarkable. Though we had always known that Ray was loved, we could not have imagined the mark he had made on those around him and the depth of love for him from his family and friends. Those emails, prayers and encouragement were as important a part of our journey in illness as the illness itself. The encouragement our emails gave to others, while never easing the pain of loss, gave meaning to our suffering.

How do you lose someone like Ray? Though it seems impossible, we can trust only in the fact that the love his Father has for him surpasses our own. That the rages of illness could only be healed by the loving hand of his Father. And thus, through our tears, we give thanks for the chorus welcoming him home.

Ray, you will never be forgotten. All that you are, your legacy here on earth, will live on always in our hearts. We know your love for us will never change. And we know, that you will always be smiling at us from heaven.

Chicago Tribune Article

2009-01-26T08:00:00.000-06:00

Raymond M. Fitzgerald, 1971-2009: Navistar lobbyist
By Joan Giangrasse Kates Special to the Tribune
January 26, 2009

You could take a South Sider and move him to Washington, but in the case of Raymond M. Fitzgerald, you couldn't take the South Side out of the man.

The youngest of six children and only son of a Chicago fireman, Mr. Fitzgerald carried with him the values of faith, family and friends when he moved in 1994 to Capitol Hill to serve as a legislative aide for five years to then-Illinois Gov. Jim Edgar. He later worked for a year as a member of the staff on the House Science and Technology Committee. more...

Remembering Ray

2009-01-23T22:53:00.000-06:00

Loved Ones,

We have made the arrangements for Ray's funeral and visitation which will be on the south side of Chicago -- Ray's childhood home.

The visitation will be Sunday January 25th from 2:00-9:00 pm at Blake-Lamb Funeral Home, 4727 W. 103rd Street, Oak Lawn, IL 60453.
Ray's funeral will be Monday January 26th beginning at 9:15 am at Blake-Lamb with the funeral mass at St. Thomas More Catholic Church at 10 am.
St. Thomas More is located at 2825 West 81st Street, Chicago IL, 60652.

In lieu of flowers, donations can be made to LPL Financial - Fitzgerald College Fund. Details 708.636.1193

A DC Memorial Service to be held later is in the works at a future point.

We also wanted to tell you to watch for a coming article in the Chicago Tribune about Ray.

We continue to be so blessed by your prayers and emails. Thank you so much.

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

Shimkus Markup Tribute to Ray

2009-01-22T10:00:00.004-06:00

Our Beloved Ray

2009-01-22T07:48:00.000-06:00

Loved Ones,

I am writing to tell you that our precious husband, father, son, brother and friend has finally been healed from cancer. Ray went to the loving arms of his father last night.

We are so very sad at the loss of our treasure Ray. We know though, that while our lives will not be the same without Ray here on earth, they are so much richer because of him. We are changed for the better. And his legacy, like our love for him, will live on always.

We are so grateful to you for all of your prayers, encouragement and emails. This was a hard fight -- and we know it was a little less hard because of your prayers.

We pray this day for strength and peace as we remember and celebrate our Ray. And for God's constant accompaniment on the new journey we are beginning.

"Comfort, comfort my people, says your God. Speak tenderly to Jerusalem, and proclaim to her that her hard service has been completed, that her sin has been paid for, that she has received from the LORD's hand double for all her sins." Isaiah 40:1-2

not alone and not afraid --

kristin

Tuesday Prayers

2009-01-20T23:14:00.000-06:00

Loved Ones,

Oh to never have to write this email.

After meeting with all of Ray's doctors yesterday and today it is clear that they have done all they can to fight this cancer.

Despite the many rounds of chemo, the cancer is growing and getting stronger and Ray is much too weak to endure another round of chemo. Even if he weren't so sick, Ray's liver status renders chemo dangerous and ineffective.

We will remain here in the hospital in hospice care, while they regulate Ray's symptoms and keep him comfortable.

Ray is very tired and his body is crying out for healing. We are so glad that this healing is coming for him.

Oh how badly we wanted this healing to come on earth! We are profoundly sad to think of life without Ray. Though our medical teams had always prepared us for this possible outcome, we have all the while held tight to our hope for God's miraculous healing for Ray.

And, we will never give up this hope till the end. But we know how valiently Ray has fought this fight and we are comforted by the thought of his Father in heaven welcoming home his good and faithful servant.

Our days now are focused on enjoying the moments Ray is awake and holding his hand while he sleeps.

Our girls, who are only now even able to grasp the depth of love for their father, are comforted by your prayers, as are we.

We pray always for healing for Ray. We pray now for supernatural strength and comfort for us, our families and especially our girls, as our hearts are breaking at this loss.

"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.

There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells.
God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at the break of day.

The Lord Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.”
Psalm 46:1-7

not alone and not afraid --
kristin and ray

Monday Prayers

2009-01-19T23:26:00.000-06:00

Loved Ones,

It was a hard day at the hospital. Ray continues to be very weak.

We met with many doctors about various aspects of Ray's condition but have not yet met with Ray's primary doctor. That meeting will be tomorrow.

Ray's vomiting and nausea are under control and we are glad of this.

We continue to pray for healing and for strength. That God would touch Ray in every way. We pray for wisdom in all things. We pray that an army of angels would be encamped around our girls. It is so very hard for them to see their dad sick. Harder still that we are away from them too. We pray that God's hand would shelter them and us in this raging storm.

"May your unfailing love be my comfort, according to your promise to your servant."
Psalm 119:76

not alone and not afraid --
kristin and ray

Sunday Prayers

2009-01-18T23:24:00.000-06:00

Loved Ones,

We are so glad for your constant prayers, especially today as Ray's condition is serious.

Because of low platelets, they cannot do all they would do normally to prevent another stroke. They are doing some things and are calculating additional steps.

Probably more importantly, Ray has some problems with keeping and retaining fluid. He is very dehydrated because the fluid they put in goes right to his abdomen instead of his blood vessals. The dehydration is causing his heart to race.

We are praying for a stable night -- no vomiting, no heart racing and no restlessness.

We await the arrival of Ray's doctor tomorrow who has been out of the country. We pray for wisdom from her as she interprets all these tests. And wisdom for all of us -- each step of the way.

We pray always for healing for our beloved Ray.

"I will bless the LORD at all times; his praise shall continually be in my mouth. My soul makes its boast in the LORD; let the humble hear and be glad. Oh, magnify the LORD with me, and let us exalt his name together! I sought the LORD, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant and their faces shall never be ashamed. This poor man cried, and the LORD heard him and saved him out of all his troubles. The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him, and delivers them." Psalm 34:1-7

not alone and not afraid --
kristin and ray

Saturday Prayers

2009-01-17T22:35:00.002-06:00

Loved Ones,

We have some answers to prayer and some prayer requests. Ray's vomiting has been much better, praise the Lord! He had a comfortable day and night last night and it has been controlled by medicines, without the need for any further procedures.

However, Ray's MRI taken last night showed that he had a very small stroke. Ray did not have any symptoms so we probably would not have caught it, but this gives us an opportunity to see what may have caused it and prevent future such events. Ray will have a battery of tests to look at causes tomorrow. We pray that the cause can be found and anything else prevented.

We have not yet heard the results of the scans taken today to determine the chemotherapy effectiveness. Ray's liver numbers, which had risen in the past few days, came down a little last night so that was good news. We pray so strongly that these scans will show that the chemotherapy has made progress against the cancer.

We pray for God to sustain us here in the hospital and for his healing hand to rest on Ray.

We are so thankful for all of your prayers and we know that God hears.

“I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will give you mighty inner strength through his Holy Spirit.” Ephesians 3:16

not alone and not afraid --

kristin and ray

Back in the Hospital

2009-01-16T21:47:00.000-06:00

Loved Ones,

We are back in the hospital tonight. Ray had a terrible night of vomiting last night and we came in right away this morning to try to get the vomiting under control.

They are trying new medicines and doing a variety of tests to check the new chemo's effectiveness and see if they can determine a cause for the vomiting. We are praying that the chemo has been effective and that they will be able to relieve the vomiting.

Ray is so sick and so we are relieved to be under the constant monitoring of doctors here in the hospital.

We pray for rest tonight, for relief from the vomiting, for wisdom for the doctors and for freedom from fear and anxiety. We always pray with hope for God to intervene and heal our Ray.

"In you, O Lord, I have taken refuge; let me never be put to shame. Rescue me and deliver me in your righteousness; turn your ear to me and save me. Be my rock of refuge, to which I can always go; give the command to save me,for you are my rock and my fortress. Deliver me, O my God, from the hand of the wicked, from the grasp of evil and the cruel men. For you have been my hope, O Sovereign Lord, my confidence since my youth. From birth I have relied on you; you brought me forth my mother's womb; I will ever praise you. Be not far from me, O God; come quickly, O my God, to help me." Psalm 71:1-6,12

not alone and not afraid
--kristin and ray

Thursday Prayers

2009-01-15T22:40:00.002-06:00

Loved Ones,

Relief from the vomiting we pray! I can't tell you how often and how desperately we pray this prayer. Not only is it wrenching physically, it is so hard on Ray in every other way. We pray for encouragement, for hope, for healing and for relief.

The nurse came today and drained fluid, so that was good to be able to do from home. We are in touch with Ray's doctor as to what else we can do for the vomiting. We pray for wisdom as there may be potential things to be done but all have pros and more importantly cons.

Life continues with our girls and we are incredibly grateful for them -- they are a joy in our days.

"Have mercy on me, O God, have mercy on me, for in you my soul takes refuge. I will take refuge in the shadow of your wings until the disaster has passed. I cry out to God Most High, to God, who fulfills his purpose for me. He sends from heaven and saves me, rebuking those who hotly pursue me; God sends his love and his faithfulness." Psalm 57:1-3

not alone and not afraid

--kristin and ray

Tuesday Prayers

2009-01-13T21:29:00.000-06:00

Loved Ones,

Well with almost no snow despite a predicted blizzard, we were able to make it easily to the hospital for Ray's fluid procedure. They drained a lot of fluid and put in a catheter so that fluid can be drained at home. This will be so helpful as the days in the hospital are so exhausting for Ray.

His vomiting decreased a little bit -- but still continued yet this evening. We pray that the pressure from the fluid may have been a contributing factor -- and thus might allow for even greater improvement tomorrow.

We pray tonight that God will lift our spirits and sustain us in our exhaustion. We had a prayer time with family today that was a blessing. Our hearts hope so dearly for Ray's healing and restoration.

"Heal me, O Lord, and I shall be healed; save me, and I shall be saved, for You are my praise." Jeremiah 17:14

not alone and not afraid --

kristin and ray

Monday Prayers

2009-01-12T22:25:00.000-06:00

Loved Ones,

Still no relief from vomiting for Ray. We are trying different things with medicines around the clock. We pray for this to pass; it is so hard to endure.

Ray's fluids continue to build up rapidly and he is scheduled for another fluid procedure tomorrow morning. We hope the snow isn't too great because we plan to get there no matter what! While we are there, Ray will have a fluid catheter inserted to keep the fluid from building up so quickly.

Ray's labs are showing some improvement in his liver, for which we are so grateful. His platelets are low however, so we are watching to make sure that all the vomiting does not create too much bleeding in Ray's stomach.

We pray tonight for strength, perseverance, hope and peace. That Ray would feel God's strong presence at his side always. That our little family would be kept safe in this great storm. And that God's healing hand would rest on Ray.

"What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: "For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Romans 8:31-39

not alone and not afraid --

kristin and ray

Sunday Prayers

2009-01-11T20:21:00.000-06:00

Loved Ones,

It was another hard day. So far we just can't seem to get on top of the vomiting. That's really hard on Ray. We are praying for a restful night tonight with no vomiting! And we are praying that these symptoms pass quickly.

We are grateful for all of the help we received today from so many friends and family.

At the little church service we did for Ray this morning we studied the story where Jesus heals the blind men. We acted it out and the girls drew pictures of the story for Ray's wall. We pray this miraculous healing for Ray.

"As Jesus and his disciples were leaving Jericho, a large crowd followed him. Two blind men were sitting by the roadside, and when they heard that Jesus was going by, they shouted, "Lord, Son of David, have mercy on us!" The crowd rebuked them and told them to be quiet, but they shouted all the louder, "Lord, Son of David, have mercy on us!" Jesus stopped and called them. "What do you want me to do for you?" he asked. "Lord," they answered, "we want our sight." Jesus had compassion on them and touched their eyes. Immediately they received their sight and followed him." Mathew 20:29-32

not alone and not afraid --

kristin and ray

A Day with Lots of Help

2009-01-10T22:26:00.000-06:00

Loved Ones,

Ray's vomiting continued to increase last night and this morning and with that and the mouth sores, his doctor stopped the continuous chemo pump today. So far it seems to have alleviated some of the vomiting. It may take a day or two before any related symptoms are relieved.

Ray had a few minutes tonight where he wasn't hooked up to a pump or IV pole. He was happy to be free -- even for a minute.

We are praying for a good day tomorrow, now that the chemo has stopped. And, we pray restoration and healing for Ray as he sleeps.

We had SO many helpers today. I think four different people shoveled or snowblowed our driveway in the ever growing snow. All family members and friends that arrived were put to work! And that helped to get us through.

We thank you so much for your prayers.

"This is what the Lord says: Your wound is incurable, your injury beyond healing...But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds." Jeremiah 30:12, 17

not alone and not afraid --

kristin and ray

Friday Prayers

2009-01-09T21:25:00.000-06:00

Loved Ones,

It was a harder day. We did get to the local hospital for the fluid drain. Thankfully! They took out almost 5 liters. We are so relieved that we weren't waiting through the weekend as it was already impacting Ray's breathing.

Ray's had a hard day of symptoms with the beginnings of mouth sores and more vomiting. We're connecting with his doctor to see if it might be time for the 5FU pump to conclude this round. We'd been told that as symptoms worsened that would be discontinued. So we pray that we can reach his doctor and that if that is a next step, the logistics with home health would work out.

We did have one bright spot today as labs from yesterday showed Ray's liver numbers going down a little bit, for which we are thankful.

We pray tonight for encouragement for Ray and for strength. This is so hard! We pray for God's mighty hand to sustain Ray in every way -- emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually.

We pray that the symptoms would alleviate so that Ray can have a restful weekend. And we pray without ceasing for God to deliver Ray from this illness.

"Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in him, for he shields him all day long, and the one the Lord loves rests between his shoulders." Deuteronomy 33:12

not alone and not afraid --
kristin and ray

A Better Day

2009-01-08T23:06:00.001-06:00

Loved Ones,

With great joy I write that title! It was a little better day. Stable, no downturns. And, with no clinic visit, Ray was able to rest and come downstairs for a little bit.

With my folks and Ray's sister at home with Ray, the girls and I even went to the library to stock up on reading material which will come in handy during the coming snowstorm.

We are weighing whether to have another fluid drain procedure tomorrow or wait until Monday. We are working on scheduling this and on determining if there is a better way to handle the fluid rather than constantly doing this procedure.

We are so gladdened by a stable day. We know it is because of your prayers. We thank God for this answer to prayer and we pray that he continues his healing work in Ray.

As I rocked Lucy to sleep tonight I sang a song we had in our wedding. As I sang the last verse I thought it captured our thoughts and hopes tonight.

"Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!
Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!"

not alone and not afraid --

kristin and ray

A Long Day

2009-01-07T23:05:00.000-06:00

Loved Ones,

What a long day at the clinic! My precious cousin babysat for 12 hours for a one hour infusion! We are grateful for her and for the dinner from a neighbor that awaited us when we arrived home.

Ray did get the drug he needed today however, so we are glad of that. His liver numbers are on the rise again so we are working to determine the cause. Ray's doctor will talk to the nutritionist who puts together the IV nutrition. Hopefully some adjustment can decrease the load this puts on the liver.

We have a new medicine to try to help with the heartburn caused by the irritation in Ray's GI tract. We pray this helps!

The fluid seems to be building quickly in Ray's abdomen, so we may have to return to our local hospital even yet this week for another procedure to drain. We are glad we don't have to travel all the way downtown for that.

It's been a long haul since November. For Ray, he's battled the chemos, then the cancer, then the chemo, pneumonia, throw in a little dehydration. He is ready for a little time off! We are praying so hard for a respite for him. That there would be a little time in the next two weeks before his next round where he would feel good and have time to get stronger. So, we pray for restoration and encouragement.

Our hearts hope so dearly for Ray's healing.

"It is the Lord who goes before you; he will be with you, he will not take away his help from you or give you up, so have no fear!" Deuteronomy 31:8

not alone and not afraid --

kristin and ray

Anniversary

2009-01-06T22:22:00.001-06:00

Loved Ones,

We thank you for your many well wishes for our anniversary -- it was encouraging to read your thoughts and verses. We were able to spend a little time together tonight and reflected with thankfulness on our eight years. The girls were part of the celebration today too and they enjoyed our wedding video. Especially the dancing!

The chemo has hit Ray pretty hard this time around so Ray had a very quiet day as moving around was pretty painful due to the irritation in his GI tract. We have to go back to the clinic tomorrow for one of Ray's medicines, so they'll check him out to see if there is anything else they can do to relieve his symptoms.

How much we all pray for healing and relief for Ray.

This verse from our wedding had new meaning for me today.

"You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. This is my command: Love each other." John 15:16

not alone and not afraid --

kristin and ray

Monday Report

2009-01-05T22:07:00.001-06:00

Loved Ones,

Ray had a well timed procedure to drain fluid from his abdomen today. We were so happy the fluid was pretty stable through the weekend and we got into our local hospital just as his oxygen levels started to be impacted. It was very successful and we are thankful. He is doing pretty well, tired from his day but otherwise ok. The 5FU and mouth sores etc. will hit soon so we pray for a little bit of respite until that storm begins.

Tomorrow is our 8th anniversary. The girls and I watched some of our wedding video today and it was precious to recall those days. We pray for joy tomorrow even amidst the challenges of our present time.

We continue to pray for our girls as Ray's struggle is really impacting them. We pray for wisdom in all things related to these precious lights of our lives.

We continue our prayers tonight for restoration and healing for Ray. That he would grow stronger daily and that this chemo would work miracles by God's grace.

"O LORD, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done marvelous things, things planned long ago."
Isaiah 25:1

not alone and not afraid --

kristin and ray

Thankful for this Weekend

2009-01-04T22:58:00.001-06:00

Loved Ones,

We are thankful for another quiet day. Ray had another day of rest and seems rested. No vomiting, his mouth seems healthy and his fluid accumulation is about the same. We are so grateful for all of this.

The day was full of quiet moments. A movie with the girls, quiet time with Ray, reading and talking with the girls before bed. With so much commotion over the holiday this day seemed like a day that everyone could recharge a little bit. We are so glad for it as we know how deeply it is needed by all.

We are thankful for this whole weekend. We pray that Ray would keep growing stronger and that God would work miracles against the cancer. We pray for constant assurance of God's presence and his promise to share every burden. We pray that this week would go smoothly -- each medical procedure or appointment.

"The bolts of your gates will be iron and bronze, and your strength will equal your days." Deuteronomy 33:25

not alone and not afraid --

kristin and ray

A Quiet Day

2009-01-03T21:35:00.001-06:00

Loved Ones,

Ray had a quiet day filled mostly with sleep as he recovers from the chemo. We are glad he was able to rest. He has a lot of fluid accumulation but no vomiting. We praise the Lord for control of the vomiting and pray that the fluid will be manageable until we can get it drained. We are glad so much of these things can be done from home: fluids, chemo, IV nutrition, IV meds, etc. And, we are glad for nurse sisters to help out as we have learned that home health means you do a lot of it yourself!!

With Ray resting it was really nice to be with the girls who did karaoke and played. Our highlight was build a bear where the girls made bears with a special message from daddy that they can play back by pushing the bears' hands. Treasures.

We pray for rest and restoration for Ray and all of us. We continue to pray for wisdom and freedom from anxiety. We are grateful for this weekend together. We pray that God would work healing miracles through this chemo.

"May God arise, may his enemies be scattered; may his foes flee before him. As smoke is blown away by the wind, may you blow them away; But may the righteous be glad and rejoice before God; may they be happy and joyful.
Sing to God, sing praise to his name, extol him who rides on the clouds -- his name is the LORD— and rejoice before him.
Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens. Summon your power, O God, show us your strength,
O God, as you have done before." Psalm 68:1-3.19, 28

not alone and not afraid --

kristin and ray

Friday Night at Home

2009-01-02T22:37:00.000-06:00

Loved Ones,

We were relieved to hear at Ray's clinic visit today that Ray's liver numbers were still holding from New Years Eve. His doctor is attributing the vomiting and increase in his liver counts from Wednesday to dehydration. As we were already there, she went ahead and did Ray's chemo that had been scheduled for next week. So that is one thing off our list. Unfortunately, we weren't able to get every drug today so we do have to return next week for the new drug to block blood flow to tumors. Bummer. The trips take a lot out of Ray so we try to limit them as much as we can.

Tomorrow we'll get Ray's chemo pump for home and they'll start that, which will run over the next few weeks. And, we'll be doing more fluids and even IV medicines from home to try to prevent dehydration from occuring again.

We pray tonight for strength and endurance for Ray. This is a lot to have the chemo just as he's recovered so we pray this next round will have minimal side effects and that the tiredness will pass quickly. We pray that all this fluid will not collect too quickly as we have plans to get that drained soon but hopefully not this weekend! We pray especially tonight for restoration -- that the chemo will be able to beat back the cancer so that Ray can get stronger and feel better. Of course we pray always for healing.

Many times in December, a Friday clinic visit turned into a hospitalization. This thought weighed heavy on our girls and we are so glad to return to them tonight. We pray for a good weekend together and continued wisdom in how to parent them best through this time.

We pray for strength that equals the many tasks in our days and we are so thankful for the aid of our families who help us to juggle all those things.

"But the eyes of the LORD are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love, to deliver them from death and keep them alive in famine. We wait in hope for the LORD; he is our help and our shield. In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. May your unfailing love rest upon us, O LORD, even as we put our hope in you." Psalm 33:18-22

not alone and not afraid --

kristin and ray

New Years Day

2009-01-01T21:21:00.000-06:00

Loved Ones,

Ray had a very hard and sick night last night but has shown some improvement today. We are so relieved. His doctor thought today that dehydration may be causing all the vomiting so we did some IV fluids this afternoon. That helped a lot!

We are going to see her tomorrow at the clinic so that she can evaluate Ray's symptoms and determine a plan for chemo.

We were so glad for my family here today so that I could focus on Ray. Even the girls got a little time with him which was wonderful for all of us.

We pray for a restful night for Ray and all of us. We pray always for healing, for strength. We are always grateful for God's mighty and mysterious hand.

"I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come." Ephesians 1:18-21

not alone and not afraid --

kristin and ray

New Year's Eve

2008-12-31T23:52:00.000-06:00

Loved Ones,

Ray's mouth and lips are doing a little better today. We are so thankful! Thank you for your many prayers. Tonight we pray for continued relief from vomiting as Ray had some trouble this evening.

Ray's labs came back this afternoon. His liver numbers are going a little higher. We are in touch with his doctor and we may try to fuss with the formula for his IV nutrition as this can sometimes cause more difficulty with the liver. We may also move Ray's chemo up again to Monday the 5th. We are so thankful for Ray's doctor, emailing with us on New Year's Eve.

We pray earnestly that these numbers hold and don't go up anymore until Ray's body is ready for more chemo. And we pray for wisdom for Ray's doctor as she weighs all these factors.

We are thankful for our New Year's Eve party today with our cousins and our 6 pm "countdown" with daddy and the girls. We are very thankful for a new year together.

"And lo I am with you always, even unto the end of the age." Matthew 28:20

not alone and not afraid --

kristin and ray

A Precious Day

2008-12-30T21:41:00.001-06:00

Loved Ones,

We had a quiet day but one with precious moments. How we cherish our times together.

We heard from one of Ray's nurses that his doctor wants to do chemo on January 7. She is not sure about the continuous chemo from home as his mouth has taken such a long time to heal. We pray for her wisdom in making these decisions. And we pray that Ray's mouth would heal!

Ray will have labs again tomorrow. We are praying so hard for good results.

We pray for trust and patience. We pray for peace and joy. We are grateful for our day.

"So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness." Colossians 2:6-7

not alone and not afraid --

kristin and ray

Numbers Holding

2008-12-29T23:59:00.001-06:00

Loved Ones,

We got the results from Ray's first labs since we went home. His liver numbers are holding. They are about the same as when we left the hospital. We were relieved to hear it. And his blood numbers: white blood cells, platelets, are all improving.

One of Ray's doctor's plans is to put Ray on a continuous low dose chemo pump from home. That was to begin today. Because of Ray's mouth sores however, she decided to hold chemo for today to give his mouth a bit more time to heal. We are not sure when it will begin.

Based on his numbers she will also determine the next date for his larger chemo dose. Since his blood numbers look good that may be sooner than later. But I don't even know what that means!! This may also be determined by his mouth sores.

So, for many reasons, most of all for relief (!), we pray for Ray's mouth to heal.

We are so glad Ray's numbers are holding. We pray for improvement! We pray for the IV nutrition to strengthen Ray. Most of all we pray for God to sustain Ray in every way by his very hand. And for his grace to hold up the rest of us as well.

We want to say also: thank you for your emails and for the many things that all of you have done to help us. I am still doing the best I can to respond as much as I can but we want you to know that even if you don't get a response, you are part of God's sustaining hand, your words, your calls, your gestures. Thank you for being part of that.

A friend sent a verse today about the Israelites in battle. They were afraid. But that day the Lord "thundered" in battle. And at the end of the story was this verse.

"Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer, saying, "Thus far has the LORD helped us." 1 Samuel 7:12

A good verse for today.

not alone and not afraid --

kristin and ray

Fear Not

2008-12-28T20:59:00.000-06:00

Loved Ones,

Ray is doing ok. His mouth sores are really bothering him, bleeding and making it difficult for him to drink. We are trying new medicines just this afternoon; we pray that they assist his healing process.

Ray mostly spent the day recovering from his big day yesterday. We did however, have a little church service with the kids. When the girls were not fighting, it was lovely!

We pray tonight for relief from anxiety -- that God will be bigger than our worries and fears. We pray for patience and hope. We pray always for healing, and always for strength. We pray for wisdom in how to spend every second of the day. And, we pray that God's very real presence will be always evident to ourselves and our children.

"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God;I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

not alone and not afraid --

kristin and ray

Another Day at Home

2008-12-27T23:13:00.001-06:00

Loved Ones,

Another day at home. We are so grateful. Ray's family was able to come and be with us for a belated Christmas gathering. It was great to be with them.

Ray was up and down the stairs a few times today and we were so glad he was able to be with us each time. A lot of exertion when you've been in the hospital! We are hoping the IV nutrition kicks in pretty soon to strengthen him. It was a long haul without nutrition, so he is catching up.

He is plagued by mouth sores, but we are doing our best to keep on top of them and hope that there is some relief soon.

Our prayer requests are many. This is a harder time so we pray God's peace, hope and encouragement for each member of our family including our extended family. We pray greatly for strength and courage. We pray for communication to speak the words on our hearts and to battle all of this together. We pray for wisdom and guidance as to how to spend every minute. And we pray for divine wisdom as to how to meet the needs of our girls.

We give thanks for our nurses and doctors who aid us every day. We are so grateful for them.

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9

not alone and not afraid --

kristin and ray

Homecoming

2008-12-26T23:54:00.000-06:00

Loved Ones,

We are so glad to be home from the hospital tonight!!

Ray's fluid procedure went well. They pulled off lots of fluid and are sending us home with medicines to try to keep it from accumulating so quickly.

Ray is feeling just ok. The nurse was here for an hour tonight teaching us about the IV nutrition. It's a pump at night so Ray won't have to drag it around during the day which is great. Hopefully that will help Ray to get stronger.

It's a little scary coming home! At the hospital everything is monitored so closely. We will have to wean ourselves from the daily labs -- that was such a nice report every morning. Some of Ray's liver numbers are still going down. His bili though is up a tiny bit, his doctor thinks this may be from the IV nutrition, so we will just monitor that closely.

We are so grateful for our families. They have worked TIRELESSLY to help us come home. Our friends too, with presents and activities for the girls, helped to make the time while we were away more fun.

We pray for strength for all of us. We pray for peace, for wisdom, for guidance. We are joyful to be reunited. Still, the girls will have to have patience with the time demands of caregiving. And, we pray for good time for all of us to be together when Ray is feeling strong.

We beseech our God for restoration and healing for Ray.

"Because he loves me, says the Lord, I will rescue him; I will protect him for he achnowledges my name. He will call upon me and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation." Psalm 91:14-16

not alone and not afraid --

kristin and ray

Christmas in the Hospital

2008-12-25T23:42:00.001-06:00

Loved Ones,

We had a lovely quiet day in the hospital. The girls woke up at 6 am for Santa, and had a great time. They were here all in all for 24 hours and it was wonderful to be with them. Nora said, “There's no place like the hospital because that's where my mom and dad are.”

Ray is pretty tired, so tonight they are giving him a unit of blood as he has low hemoglobin. It looks like plans are in order for the fluid drain tomorrow, and then we should be able to go home. Praise the Lord!

Some of Ray's liver numbers are still dropping, others seem to have stabilized. It would be so wonderful to get down to normal ranges before we leave. So that is our prayer.

We are so glad to have had this Christmas day together. We look forward to our homecoming tomorrow.

As always, we pray for Ray's healing and continued strength.

A friend sent the words to the last verse of Away in a Manger yesterday. A Christimas prayer.

"Be near me Lord Jesus, I ask thee to stay, close by me for ever and love me I pray. Bless all the dear children in thy tender care, and fit them for heaven to live with thee there."

not alone and not afraid --

kristin and ray

Twas the Night Before Christmas

2008-12-24T23:35:00.002-06:00

Loved Ones,

“Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the hospital
Not a creature was strirring
Not even those in PJs High School Musical

The stockings were hung
By the bedside with care
In hope that St. Nicholas Soon would be there...”

The girls are fast asleep in the hospital's “family room” waiting for Santa who has already arrived in Ray's room. How wonderful that the hospital could arrange this in a lovely private room!

Though we would love to be home, with fluid already accumulating in Ray's abdomen, the doctors anticipate the need for another fluid drain on Friday. So it is better to be here to prevent any breathing problems if the fluid accumulates quickly.

After the fluid drain procedure on Friday we should be clear to head home, provided that nothing changes.

Ray's liver numbers are still dropping a little bit. We would love if they would come down to normal before we go.

We are so thankful to be together!!! Joy, joy, joy!

We pray God's healing hand on Ray and our whole family as we celebrate this Christmas.

We are so grateful for your prayers! We pray God's blessings on you this Christmas -- that it will be a Christmas you will long remember.

"For a child has been born for us,
a son given to us;
authority rests upon his shoulders;
and he is named Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace." Is. 9

not alone and not afraid --

kristin and ray

A Quiet Day in the Hospital

2008-12-23T23:28:00.001-06:00

Loved Ones,

Ray had a quiet and stable day in the hospital. His first in awhile.

His liver numbers dropped a little more; his IV nutrition continues.

An incredible praise is that Ray went a whole day without throwing up. I can't tell you how that gladdens our hearts! Even more, he drank some juice and said it tasted good. Praise the Lord!

It looks like we will be here another couple of days while they regulate Ray's IV nutrition and he gains a little strength. Patience!

We continue to be so grateful for your prayers for Ray and our family. We pray so hard for Ray's strength and restoration.

"Hear, O Lord, and answer me, for I am poor and needy. Guard my life, for I am devoted to you. You are my God; save your servant who trusts in you.” Psalm 86:1-3

not alone and not afraid --

kristin and ray

Some Progress

2008-12-22T22:35:00.003-06:00

Loved Ones,

Ray's liver numbers continue to improve. If they continue at this rate, they could be in the normal range by tomorrow. His doctor is amazed.

The procedures to drain fluid were sucessful. Almost four liters had accumulated so with that taken care of, Ray can now breathe on his own.

Our prayers are focused tonight on Ray's restoration. It has been a long haul!! He is very weak and tired. We pray that God would lift him up in every way -- physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. We ask for God's healing and gentle touch on the head of his son Ray.

And we pray continued strength and blessing on our family large and small as we walk this road.

“God is our refuge and strength, an ever present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way, and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea. Though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging. There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells. Be still and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” Psalm 46:1-5, 10

not alone and not afraid --

kristin and ray

A Better Day

2008-12-21T23:00:00.000-06:00

Loved Ones,

Some good news today. Ray's liver counts went down instead of increasing. Praise the Lord!

I asked his doctor to what she attributed the overnight changes. She named a variety of possibilities. I told her that we believe it is the prayers and she said we may be right. To God be the glory!

We pray for continued improvement in Ray's liver tomorrow. Just processing the chemo and IV nutrition could raise the numbers so it is not a perfect measure. But we pray that his liver status will continue to improve.

Ray is fighting hard and had a tiring day. Due to all of the IV fluids he has retained a lot of fluid in his abdomen. That was making it more difficult to breathe today. We have addressed that with some medicines, and he will have another procedure to drain some fluid.

For now he has oxygen to help him breathe and we pray that this continues to do the trick.

The chemo will run for five days so Ray will be tired during that time. We are doing our best to adress Ray's symptoms to make him comfortable while he fights the fight.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for your prayers for Ray and for our family.

"But for you who revere my name, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its wings. And you will go out and leap like calves released from the stall" Malach 4:2

not alone and not afraid --

kristin and ray

Praying Hard

2008-12-21T07:36:00.003-06:00

Loved Ones,

Ray's liver situation worsened overnight. We began chemo this evening with two chemo agents he has had before. They have not yet been combined together however and they will run for five days. And, we have added another non chemo drug to lessen the blood flow to Ray's tumors.

Our chemo choices were limited by Ray's liver's weakening status.

We are hopeful that the chemo will be able to arrest the development of the tumors in order to recover liver function.

We are in constant prayer for Ray's healing, his strength and his endurance. These next few days will be critical to determine the chemo's ability to reduce the tumors.

Our God however can heal at any time. And so we hold tight to this hope as well.

In addition to all these prayers, we pray for our family. That God will meet the needs of each person and that he will especially watch over our girls on this rocky road as we cannot be always at their side.

"In those days Hezekiah became sick and was at the point of death.And Isaiah the prophet the son of Amoz came to him and said to him, "Thus says the LORD, 'Set your house in order, for you shall die; you shall not recover.'" Then Hezekiah turned his face to the wall and prayed to theLORD, saying, "Now, O LORD, please remember how I have walked before you in faithfulness and with a whole heart, and have done what is good inyour sight." And Hezekiah wept bitterly. And before Isaiah had gone out of the middle court, the word of the LORD came to him: "Turn back, and say to Hezekiah the leader of my people, Thus says the LORD, the God of David your father: I have heard your prayer; I have seen your tears. Behold, I will heal you."

not alone and not afraid --

kristin and ray

In the Hospital Tonight

2008-12-19T21:33:00.003-06:00

Loved Ones,

Well the scope today did not show a blockage in Ray's stomach. However,while we were here, they took some labs that showed that Ray's liver numbers are rapidly climbing.

They did a CT to check for a blockage in the liver but did not find one. It does appear however, that the tumors in his liver are growing.

We are back in the hospital this evening so that Ray can be closely monitored. They are going to get him chock full of fluids and potentially start IV nutrition. Then they are planning to start another round of chemoto really attack this cancer.

We are praying for many things tonight. Number one, sometimes being dehydrated impacts liver numbers. So we are praying that his liver numbers come down somewhat due to the hydration. Number two and very importantly,we pray for Ray's doctor -- for wisdom and guidance for her -- that she willknow the exact right medicines to use to beat these tumors without overlytaxing Ray's liver.

Last, and most importantly, we pray for Ray. That God will strengthen him for the battle and that he will intervene to assure a victory. We ask for God to heal our Ray.

"We must hold tightly to the HOPE that is ours in Christ." Hebrew 10:20

not alone and not afraid --

kristin and ray

Waiting for the Scope

2008-12-18T21:03:00.001-06:00

Loved Ones,

We eagerly anticipate Ray's scope at 11 am tomorrow to determine the source of what is robbing him of appetite! Today he hardly ate at all, just such a full feeling. No vomiting though and we are glad for that. And his IV fluids will get him through until tomorrow.

There is supposed to be 6-14 inches of snow tomorrow morning so we have an elaborate train plan to get us there without a huge traffic snarl that would make us late. And, we've been told that the GI doctor lives across the street from the hospital. So he will be there. But we pray God's hand upon us as we travel as it will be more strenuous than just hopping in the car and jaunting downtown. We are so grateful for the many hands to babysit and take us to the train and then back from the hospital.

We pray for wisdom and guidance for the doctors tomorrow that they will be able to correct any problems they encounter. And for safety in the procedure and quick restoration for Ray. Our hearts ache for his healing.

When we prayed yesterday my uncle reminded us of verses from 1 Kings where God had promised rain. The rain was a long time coming but it came. And in the meantime, the smallest of signs encouraged the prophet that what had been promised would indeed come to pass.

"Go and look toward the sea," he told his servant. And he went up and looked. "There is nothing there," he said. Seven times Elijah said, "Go back." The seventh time the servant reported, "A cloud as small as a man's hand is rising from the sea." So Elijah said, "Go and tell Ahab, 'Hitch up your chariot and go down before the rain stops you.' " Meanwhile, the sky grew black with clouds, the wind rose, a heavy rain came on." 1 Kings 18:43-45

We pray for "a cloud as small as a man's hand" tomorrow.

not alone and not afraid --

kristin and ray

Problem Solving

2008-12-17T22:27:00.000-06:00

Loved Ones,

Today was a little better for Ray as he did not get sick. Unfortunately that may be because he didn't eat very much!

But, we talked to his doctor about his continuing symptoms. She has scheduled him for another scope of his esophagus and stomach, suspecting that some type of blockage is causing the vomiting and fullness. If there is a blockage, they can fix it with a stent. We'll do the scope Friday at 11 am.

We are praying that the problem will be evident and fixable and that the scope will be completed safely and without any issues. Blockages can be fixed. If it is just that the stomach isn't working well, it is much harder to address. We are praying for a fixable problem!

We also talked to her about Ray's chemo schedule. It is her great hope (and ours!) that the scope will alleviate some of his symptoms and that this should make him feel better for Christmas. His liver numbers are looking great except for an outlier that is quickly rising. She things that might be due to a blockage as well.

So, we are eagerly anticipating Friday's scope and solving this problem.

We are so grateful for your prayers! Our family had time together in prayer today and it touched our hearts and lifted our spirits. Joy!

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light andmomentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on whatis unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

not alone and not afraid --

kristin and ray

Daily Bread

2008-12-16T23:00:00.001-06:00

Loved Ones,

Well despite increasing Ray's medicines, he still had trouble keeping things down tonight, even after eating only a small amount. We've emailed his doctor to see what else we can do to help him so that he can keep enough food down, etc. She'll also make a call soon as to whether we should go forward with chemo on the 19th of this week or hold until the 26th. We pray for wisdom for her and for us.

Ray had visitors today and that was so nice for him. And I've had a visitor all week -- a dear friend who works her heart out! We are so very blessed by so many. As we put the girls in the bath tonight I heard the buzz of our neighbor snowblowing our driveway. Many hands lift our load.

Tonight we beseech our God for relief for Ray so that he can take down the daily nourishment he needs to stay strong. We praise him for all of his work in our lives and for the healing thus far and we wait in hopeful anticipation for all that is to come.

"Then the LORD said to Moses, "I will rain down bread from heaven for you. The people are to go out each day and gather enough for that day. So Moses and Aaron said to all the Israelites, "In the evening you will know that it was the LORD who brought you out of Egypt, and in the morning you will see the glory of the LORD." Exodus 16:4,6-7

not alone and not afraid --

kristin and ray

Blessed and Lucky

2008-12-15T23:30:00.001-06:00

Loved Ones,

Ray and I were opening letters and cards last night and one in particular was very touching, a family member that really hoped to lighten our load. Ray was so touched by the card and he said to me, "We are so lucky to have such incredible family and friends." Amen to that! We are both so grateful for the love, kindness, compassion and generosity of our friends and family.

However, I mention this story because it is noteworthy to me. That at this time, with all these obstacles, Ray's first thought is gratitude. As I have always known, he is a remarkable person.

Today was a harder day. We were so excited by an uptick in Ray's eating only to be disappointed by nausea and vomiting. And, difficulties with Ray's IV line caused momentary panic that was quickly resolved, but nonetheless stressful. We adored watching Maggie's Christmas pageant, but we missed Ray who wasn't up to the trip.

However, we are thankful for our video recorder, the constant aid of our family and friends, and God's mercies new every morning. What a comforting thought for tonight.

"Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:21-23

not alone and not afraid --

kristin and ray

A New Hairdo

2008-12-14T20:30:00.002-06:00

Loved Ones,

Well the day finally came for Ray's new "hair do." Nora and Maggie got to help out with the cutting and even Mommy got to finish the job. Ray's head looks nice and clean and round! And the girls are taking it well. They each know kids in their class who have crew cuts and there is always Uncle Joe!

Our day also included decorating our tree and watching ourselves as dancing elves in a "jib jab" email sent by a friend. The girls loved that!

We continue to pray for strength for Ray as he is finding it very difficult to eat enough to even stop losing weight. We supplemented today with IV fluids so he's at least not dehydrated, but we pray for appetite and endurance. We pray always for healing.

"The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor." Isaiah 61:1-3

not alone and not afraid --

kristin and ray